[kchendrix]

Sorry to post so much this week and be so obsessed with the same thing, but I am stuck on this theme right now, So I ask your thoughts and if you will your prayers if you believe ...

You know from my other posts that yes I fear Death, I hate dp/dr but what I hate even more is the stinking "BENIGN PALPATATIONS I am going through,

RIght now I have one of those fancy 24 hour heart monitors on so they can get a good read.. This is basically for my peace of mind. But I guess right now as is so true in anxiety is THE FEAR FACTOR. I just hate that these symptoms keep changing. Run one off and a new one comes. Well , I don't know how much any one person can take , but I guess I will find out. I have come to know a few of you on the board and off and I just want to say you have been the biggest help in my quest to get well.. So as I am facing this new wrinkle to an old theme... Think good thoughts for me as I will you. I so much want to be the KC I used to be.
I was driving home from work and almost started crying on three ocassions. I say almost because I stopped myself... I don't even know what exactly I wanted to cry for.... But something wants out obviously.

You all have become quite the family to me here... Thanks for you support . I hope that I have been of some help to you all to at times. I just feel so needy right now. Some one to say, hey man it is all going to be ok. You are going to be fine. This is just another ugly head of anxiety. I so tired of the fear .... it whips me like a bad dog sometimes. I long for someone just to put there arms around me and say , man it will all come together, it really will.

I hope some of you have families that are very supportive, Mine with the exception of my Father and Mother choose to ignore, choose not to see what this really is. My mother and Father are 76 years old, so I try not to burden them. After all I am a grown man....right.... But I know they are there with a phone call.

I love my family and all, I just wish they could find it in there hearts to be as helpful and caring as you people.. I guess I can't blame them though to watch a man go from being a man to being a shell, well it must be scary on the outside too.

Peace my friends

 

[Sojourner]

Kc,

No way you can get rid of the fear -- at least temporarily -- with a tranquilizer?

I hope you address the issue of getting temporary relief with your doctor. You should NOT have to endure this; in fact, I don't know how anyone *can* endure it. It's utter torture.

Our emotions and brains and everything are so unpredictable, kc -- for example, on July 1 I stopped all drugs. I have no depression and no anxiety -- and I'm working on things that probably contributed to their arrival in my life in THERAPY. Great psychodynamic therapy, in which I am discovering a growing respect for ol' Ziggy. He may have not been right about everything -- as many (including my own) therapists will state, but about a lot of things he was probably more insightful than any CBT-ers on the planet.

This fear is not good for your overall health, you know, so please tell your doctor that you want at least some temporary relief. If he won't help you, find a compassionate doctor.

Nobody should have to endure the torture of unremitting panic attacks -- and that is precisely what you say you are having.

Please, please, please........ I will pray for you.....but I would appreciate it if you would promise me that you will DEMAND help at least to temporarily relieve the symptoms. One day you won't need any help for that, but if you need it now, it is inhumane to refuse you medicine that can relieve your suffering -- at least temporarily, while you discover the psychological cure in therapy.

Promise?

 

[kchendrix]

I do appreciate what you are saying, My Doc hasn't left me strandid. Last night when the palps got so bad, I took a valium and drifted off to sleep. I turned the Halter Monitor in today so they will have the results some time monday I am guessing... In the mean time he is increasing my beta blocker to twice a day.

I guess in fact that since the valium allowed me to calm down and sleep that in and of itself should proove to me that this is a symptom of my anxiety for I don't believe it was an actual disorder of the heart that valium would calm it down.. Im know doc so I don't know. It is hard to put them out of my mind just like it is hard to let go of DR I will say though since I have been pre occupied with the heart thing sometimes I don't notice the DP DR , so I am not ruminating as much about that as I am my heart.

If Janine is out there, have you had other people run into this heart palpatations do to anxiety in your experience with DP/DR

 

[livinginhell333]

for me i don't even get panic attacks. i just feel nothing empty i don't even feel like a person. it feels like i have lost everything.

 

[Dreamland]

I know that it's easier said than done by try to live for the moment instead of this "what going to happen to me" outlook on life. Just set a short term goal to try to achieve peace of mind by the hour. Don't look too far ahead because you'll feel helpless and hopeless since you're projecting your current state of mind on your future. You will get out of this black hole as soon as the doctors learn that your heart palpitations are normal. I think that the monitor you were wearing made you feel worse, right?

 

[gem]

I read your post and it was so sad. I know how you feel, I know what it feels like to have palpitations and they are very frightening. Please do not feel like a shell, you are still a man, do not put yourself down. Just because one is afraid and having a very difficult time does not mean that you are less a person. Heart palpitations and hard to cope with, I know, I spent many years in fear of my heart racing. Sometimes it would pound so fast I would think I was going to die. Nothing or no one could convince me that I would be okay. I remember going to the hospital frozen in fear. The doctor would say you are going to be okay, I would look at him, my eyes wide with fright and say it is not that easy to be convinced that I will be okay. It took me a long time to learn to deal with this problem, but it can be done. I have learned to not be afraid when the heart begins to speed up, I tell myself it is no different than if I was going for a run. I sit down and relax and wait for it to calm down. I do not fight it I go with it. It takes practice to do this and time, but it works. Fear is an awful thing. Never put yourself down because you are frightened. You are a human being and we all have things that make us afraid. Relaxation exercises are very helpful and when frightened try hard to think of good things, the more fear you feed your mind the more frightened you become and it is hard to relax an anxious heart when concentrating on the fear.

gem.

 

[kchendrix]

Thank you for your kind words, yeah these PVCs feel like your heart is doing a cartwheel, and your right it is hard to convince yourself its nothing and getting anxious makes it worse... I just wish I could get my wife to understand the things I am going through.. I long for her to to just wrap her arms around me and say it is all going to be ok , we will get through this... But it doesn't happen, I think my family really resents that I am going through this. So a lot of times I have to cover my symptoms up and not talk about them. I go to therapy and that helps. I am sure that as soon As I get the results from the Holter Monitor, that is if they are positive... well I think this obsession will settle down. Now if it is negative news... might be harder to deal with . BUt you are a very kind person and I appreciate your words, i feel they come from "THE HEART"

Thanks
KC

 

[gem]

KC, if it is okay I would like to say that I know when we are afraid it would be so comforting for someone who loves us to put there arms around us and tell us we will be okay, sometimes it does not happen and this makes everything feel even worse. I have learned through all my pain and suffering that I will always have a comforting hug from someone and that someone is me. I give myself a hug when I feel like everything is falling apart. Some may say this is silly but if you think about it if we waited for someone to always be there when we need support it may not happen. If we know that we can count on ourselves to show kindness we always know it will be there. Learning to care for you is most important, if you do not have you it can leave you feeling empty. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a good person and you will be good to you and you will be well someday and you will always have a friend the one looking back at you.

gem.