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Please help my mind come to a conclusion

1242 Views 1 Reply 2 Participants Last post by  solus
So I've basically had some anxiety problems for a while now, getting worse in the past two years. I've had issues w stuff like dp before, but here i am again, freaked out. I'll explain (i know this sounds dumb but the mind can play tricks on you when you have anxiety). So I have been reading books and watching youtube videos on spirituality for the past couple weeks/ month because I find "enlightenment" and "knowing the truth" interesting. I was watching a video on enlightenment by a youtuber called He basically was saying that "you are nothingness and "you" doesn't exist" and that "you are reality observing itself". I was very high (I smoke pot every day multiple times a day), and I started thinking about that. I looked down at my hands and thought of "you are reality looking at itself". It seemed to make sense for a second, and I convinced myself that it was true. It was similar to looking at your face in a mirror for a couple of minutes and you start to look alien and weird. For some reason that made me feel very depersonalized or something, like I wasn't myself and that I was something else. I had a panic attack and had to go home instead of going to work. I'm a natural overthinker and ever since that moment, I have felt off. I feel zoned out, and something just seems "off" or different about reality. I have a hard time forming an image of "myself" when I try and think of one, it seems like I'm not quite sure what or who I am as much, kind of like an alien. I seem detatched from my thoughts, and I constantly have OBSESSIVE thoughts like "what if now I'm enlightened and I can never go back to the way I was". For some reason that is terrifying me, and now im constantly anxious about it, and constantly doing checks to see if reality has changed or if "I'm enlightened" or different now. Basically just constant introspectiveness and existential thoughts. It sucks. It seems like I have brain fog and there's a tiny tiny disconnect between me and reality. Like I'm just SO zoned out. And tired. and i feel like i just want to sit around and do nothing. and i feel like if i had it confirmed in my head that I am alright, not enlightened, and have done nothing to permanantly change myself, I feel like i would get over all of this and stop worrying. So the question is: does it sound like I've become enlightened and have to deal with it now forever, or is this just regular depersonalization and the depersonalized thoughts that come with it? please help its driving me nuts.
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