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Hello, I'm sorry that this is long, but I'm panicking a bit at the moment and I would really appreciate a response or two.

I'm not entirely sure where to begin. Basically, I just discovered this disorder, and when I was reading about it on Wikipedia, it was like my entire life had been explained. Absolutely everything I have experienced for as long as I can remember it described to a T. The only thing I've considered that felt 100% accurate and real. It made me truly emotional, like I finally understood everything and everything fell into place. But then, when I began to read more on more credible site, it began to fall apart, and the key symptoms I'm experiencing were mentioned less and less, or not at all. So from someone who is actually suffering from this disorder, I would like you to tell me if the symptoms I have indicate this disorder, because the more I read, the more panicky I got, thinking about how the only thing that has made complete sense to me was, like everything else, not real.

For as long as I can remember, years and years and years I have felt the following;

Feeling as though I don't know what is real or not in relation to what I think and feel. It feels real in the moment, but then almost immediately after I begin to question whether or not it was real or if it was something that my mind fabricated. When I was younger, I described it as "It feels like I've been acting so long, my mind doesn't know what's acting and what's real"

Similar to the previous - I constantly question myself and what is real with me. I feel like I don't want to tell anyone how I feel because the next instant I might feel like that was false, and then feel like I've lied to them.

I feel a detachment from my emotions a lot of the time. As though my body is acting it out, but I don't FEEL it in the core of me. I'm not really sure how to describe it. Like restless leg syndrome. It makes me feel restless, like I need to move or stretch, but in the sense of the emotions, like nothing is being fully experienced or getting through.

I increasingly frequently, at this point 3-6 times a week, feel as though I'm in a dream state, or see the world as if it's a vivid memory. Sometimes it's so bad that I feel like I'm on autopilot, and I'll "wake up" and realize that I've been doing something or talking to someone without being aware of it.

I often realize (even though I experience it 24/7) that the world seems fuzzy and unclear, and not in the sense that I need glasses. Like the world is muted, and there's fuzz around everything and I constantly see very tiny dots, like television static, but very transparent

The only times that I feel fully "there" are when I'm having very involved social interactions, physical or emotional stimulation, and meditation, like when I'm doing yoga, or something I that makes me truly happy, which is exactly was was described in the article I read.

I often lose my sense of time, and a week can go by without me realizing

"unreality with one's sense of self" is what rings most clear with me

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was younger, and had a rather traumatic experience with a nurse, and I always thought that a lot of these issues stemmed from that, but it is possible that they were present prior to that

As this inner turmoil of what is real and what is not, and the dreamlike state feelings have worsened, so has my anxiety, and I got to the point where I was having several panic attacks a day with zero threshold for any stress at all

I also begun drinking quite a lot, and when I've been in worse states with sober friends, they have told me that I've had panic attacks where I've begged for more alcohol because I wanted to "stop thinking" and begun to act manic depressive laughing and crying hysterically. This sort of episode happened when I was alone and entirely sober the other night, and the reason for it was because I was so incredibly indecisive about the reality of what I was thinking and feeling that I begun talking to myself, having that inner dialogue out loud, and crying because I felt I couldn't handle it anymore and didn't want to contradict myself anymore, and then laughing because I would think about how maybe even that wasn't real. It feels like this is truly beginning to get to me after over 5 years of it getting worse, and I am afraid of having some sort of mental break.

The second that I read that first article, it was like an incredible weight was off my shoulders, and it didn't matter if I new what thoughts and feelings were fabricated and which were not because I understood what was making me question it so incessantly. I actually really hope that this is what is causing it and that I have this disorder because then at least I know what has been plaguing me for so, so long. If this is what I have, then so many of my questions are answered. But of course, don't tell me that I have this if this is not it.

Please, let me know. Thank you for reading.
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