[Heather414]

To anyone wno reads through all of this I thank you so much. I just really need some support/advice if this is DP or something else.

So long story short I've had DP/DR before. I have recovered 2 times. My boyfriend died a little over a week ago now. I'm not sure if it traumatized me so much it made me like brain dead and trigger DP again. The first time I had DP/DR was when I was 15, I smoked and had a panic attack. 2nd time I also had a very bad panic attack.

Idk if I'm experiencing extreme numbness/denial/shock but it has sure done a number on my brain already. All I've felt really was extreme anxiety and I have bad OCD so I wss constantly researching why I was feeling like this. I was also OBSESSIVLY researching why I wasnt able to grieve my boyfriend at all. Like at first I cried a few times out of shock but it seemed like everytime I would find something out about him (death, cremation) stuff like that I would get so overwhelmed and then my brain automatically wanted to block it out. This is the first time I've experienced a loss like this to this extreme so idk if my brain is getting so overwhelmed/stressed that it's like shut down totally right now.It feels like my boyfriend never existed, like I feel nothing when I think of him/picture him. WHY? It seems like when I stress more about how I feel/dont feel it gets worse.

Symptoms:
Extreme memory problems
•Cant access many memories (even if I'm able to I dont feel much emotion if any at all, or feel like they arent mine)
•Not able to "picture much" in my mind
•Feeling like my life literally isnt mine, like everything around me I know I have some connection to but my mind isnt allowing it
•can't concentrate on ANYTHING
•foggy/clogged head feeling
•anxiety almost 24/7

I don't have that "dazed/out of body" feeling I've had before with this

I do desperately want to see a therapist or something but cant until the 1st of January when my insurance kicks in.

 

[Phantasm]

Hi Heather, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you may be experiencing shock and grief, but don't feel you have to feel one thing or another, it's a personal process and you must allow yourself to feel however you feel.

 

[Emptyflask]

Oh man. Listen, i know exactly how your feeling right now. My dad died a little over a year ago. For a long time, it was as if i had forgotten he existed. Id have moments where id remember him but feel nothing about the memory, like i didnt care. And when the dp got bad, it was as if ALL of my memories for my whole life were not my own. I blocked out almost all of my memorys of him. What your going through is shock and yes, the grief may have been put on hold for you right now. Its painful! And your subconscious knows this. Eventually, if you allow it, and after some time, you will probably start to really grieve and feel sad but DO NOT beat yourself up for feeling the way you are right now. Or lack of feeling that is. The pain and shock of this is understandable. Dont create expectations of how you should be feeling. Everyone deals with this in their own way. Im sorry for your loss, esspesially since it was a boyfriend who is someone you were very bonded to. Thats a hard situation. I lost my dad and to loss anyone close to you can be traumatizing.
To answer your question: yes, it seems you may be experiancing dissociation right now. I had the same thing happen after my dads death.
What your doing right now by reaching out for help and perspective is a very helpful thing to do for yourself right now. Id also reccomend when you are able to, getting a therapist who specializes in dissociation or a grief counselor is a good way to go. They can definently help put into perspective whats going on right now. If you need someone to talk to too, you can always pm me as i have dealt with a really similar grieving process and if not, thats cool too. Just know that what your experiancing has been experianced by others too and youll get through this.

 

[Al_pk]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

DP is supposed to be a natural reaction to stressful life events so in many ways it is working as intended.

I really sympathise with your problems and it sounds very similar to mine. I totally relate to all the memory problems and picturing wierdness.

It will improve as you process your grief