[Avatar]

Hello everyone I'm new here i just want someone to tell me if what i describe is depersonalization, derealization, both, or something deadly!!! Please read my whole story I'm desperate!!!!

Im a 16 year old guy and Ive had scary feelings the last 2 and a half weeks and I'm fairly certain that both depersonalization and derealization but I'm still terrified that I'm losing my mind or gonna DIE. It all started on a sunday at night time i had felt like i was going through a bad trip the whole day, which i hadn't smoked weed or done anything at all, and thought it was nothing so i didn't worry. Then at night time i still had this feeling of still being high and it just hit me that i couldn't make it go away so i started freaking out and couldn't sleep the whole night because i was so scared!

My symptoms include being terrified all the time and having this panic feeling, feeling like everything is a nightmare and i can't wake up, my mind feels completely useless like i can't think straight or anything, like i don't know who i am or who the people around me are, i feel like I'm not a real person my mind isn't real or the world isn't real, i can remember what i did in the day or yesterday but when i remember it it feels like i didn't really go through it or like it really wasn't me who went through it, when i look at my brother, sister, mom, or friends its like their not really real and its in my mind, everything feels like one video game that i just wanna jump out of, i still have all my memories from before this happened but they come out of no where and it feels like that was me in those memories but it feels like the old me or it really wasn't me and i'll never get to be that person again, i can't think of anything all day long but why i feel this way and will i ever go back too normal, nothing around me feels the real and like its all a big cartoon, my mind will not have any thoughts or feel like it can think and then i realize I'm not thinking then freak out, I just don't feel like the normal me or like my mind just reset, i haven't talked too my friends in two weeks bc I've been so scared and then when we did talk i can't concentrate on them bc i so terrified of my problems and bc they just look like a hallucination but their really not, i feel like i died or fell in a coma and this is what it feels like, i can't focus on nothing but the feeling of unreality, and when i watch tv or even when i type this i ask myself is this really me and am i really a human and who am i or am i losing my identity, i don't even feel like a person anymore, and i'll have this thoughts of how did i get here and what am i doing, everything looks so dull now, and i feel like I'm gonna forget everything about my life and myself go insane and disappear into darkness at any second, and i just feel like the past me me was the old me thats never coming back, and my mind feels tortured bc this is on my mind no matter what and is so scary, i currently feel hopeless and like I'm gonna die or already dead. Oh and i have been very doubtful of everything i do and think

Before this all happened i was just a typical teenager, I've always been really shy and had a really bad social anxiety problem but never been diagnoised, I've been like a medium depressed for a few years, sometimes when I've been around a lot of ppl and felt alone i would feel a little detached like this for like a few minutes but its never lasted this long and not been this horrible, Ive always had a low self esteem and zero confidence and always been a quiet bashful guy, I'm gay by the way which has always made me feel lonely, besides being socially anxious my anxiety has been little but now my anxiety and depression are at a severe level and the first week i had these feelings i couldn't even bare school and was panicking and scared the whole week, this last week at school has been better but i still think of this 24/7 at school and feel scared, my childhood was great I've always got anything i want my mom has been great to me but my dad kinda doesn't feel like a real dad and he is sometimes nice but most the time drunk and arguing with my mom, I'm also a little bit of a hypochondriac and before if i ever had a little medical problem i would freak out and feel like i would die so this problem of mine has been like torture to me, i went to a therapist (who seems like a prick and doesn't really care) for this and she said she's never dealt with this before and just kinda said i was fine when ik I'm not! I go to see a psychatrist next monday and will probably get some meds hopefully she knows whats wrong with me but I'm just terrified that i will take antidepressants and i'll become suicidal and i don't want to feel like that but i feel like meds will help!!! I've got drunk and high for the first time just in like the past two months and had a panic attack the first time i got high but I'm certain thats not what caused it bc afterwards i was always back to normal and i just started on minocyclin for like 3 days then this all happened but i feel sure thats not what caused it either and if it did that was two and a half weeks ago bc i quit taking them when this happened so if this was a side effect it should have wore off by now

Can someone fully explain why this is happening to me or give their best reason? Can someone out there please give me helpful advice or help? From my symptoms do i have depersonalization or derealization? Am i gonna die? Will i ever be myself again or will i ever go back to normal? Am i gonna forget everything about myself and my family? Im i gonna be mentally damaged if i continue to feel this way? And is it possible for me to ever go back to the way i use to feel and feel normal again? Whats gonna happen to me and what should i do? Im just so scared and feel hopeless and i wanna just go to sleep and never wake up, i feel like I'm gonna die and could cry any second idk why this is happening to me and i just wanna go back to normal i miss my life. Will i ever recover from this? i feel like its never gonna go away

 

[gmadebbie]

You're symptoms sound like mine did when i was a teen that is when it first happened to me now i'm 53. i wasn't diagnosed until in my late 30's & was basically told there's nothing you can do about it & that there was no-one who could help or knew much about it.but yes you will get better some people never have it again. i went years ,now it's back sometimes it comes & goes quickly sometimes it hangs around it's been back a while now, but i've had YEARS of very stressful & emotionally hard times the past several years. anyway you'll be o.k. hopefully dr. next week is more caring .wish i could give you an answer to make it go away,but at least you know you're not alone .i just found this site a few years ago so that was nice for me to at least know that.worring about it makes it worse but, it's hard not to worry about something that's always there.just wanted to tell you , you are not crazy. any questions i can answer i will.

 

[Avatar]

You're symptoms sound like mine did when i was a teen that is when it first happened to me now i'm 53. i wasn't diagnosed until in my late 30's & was basically told there's nothing you can do about it & that there was no-one who could help or knew much about it.but yes you will get better some people never have it again. i went years ,now it's back sometimes it comes & goes quickly sometimes it hangs around it's been back a while now, but i've had YEARS of very stressful & emotionally hard times the past several years. anyway you'll be o.k. hopefully dr. next week is more caring .wish i could give you an answer to make it go away,but at least you know you're not alone .i just found this site a few years ago so that was nice for me to at least know that.worring about it makes it worse but, it's hard not to worry about something that's always there.just wanted to tell you , you are not crazy. any questions i can answer i will.

So u questioned yourself all the time if you actually was alive and if you actually exist? and I'm sorry u had it for years and seeing u had it for years really freaks me out I've only had it for 2 weeks and already feel insane and like i can't take life anymore. i feel like my identity and self is gonna disappear or go missing and never return

 

[Avatar]

Thank you its just hard for me to accept it I feel like if i quick worrying about it that i'm giving up and it'll over take me. And as of right now i feel like i'll never be able to forget about it because its all i've been thinking and worrying 24/7 for the last two and a half weeks so i just feel like i've spent all this time scared that I'm gonna stay scared of this forever and that this will never go away. And i try to keep my mind off of it but its still always in the back of my mind no matter what i do. and i know this doesn't mean I'm going insane but all this constant fear, thinking, and worrying in a way is driving me insane. I just feel so dull and lifeless and don't even recognize who i am and I'm fearing myself. And ik this isn't permeant and people keep saying it isn't permeant but in a way i just don't believe it and feel like i'll be screwed like this forever!

 

[gmadebbie]

not worrying & stressing out is a way to recovery It will go away. it may come back sometime in your life maybe not. it's hard to stop worrying when you feel this way but it will go away.you are NOT crazy & you WILL BE O.K.

 

[bioluminescence]

The worst peak should probably pass soon enough. That's what happened to me, and after that came the feeling of emptiness; it's not as intense as the fear, but more like a soothing sensation, a numbness, and while it's better than the fear (imo), it's not very good either. But you can control it; you can control this. These thoughts do not define you, I believe they're just a way for your brain to entertain itself, to distract you from some other problems. Whatever the thoughts might say and however terrifying and real they might feel, they're not true; they're under your control, or will be, because you will survive this.

A lot of people here have had these problems for very long times. But keep in mind that most of them also have had their good and bad moments; they've kept on living because they have hope or sense of duty or something to push them on. We all have something to keep us going. And despite the fact that you feel horrible now, there is still the chance that tomorrow could be much better. Maybe the day after will be horrible again; we cannot know, but it's best to just take it one day at a time.

For me, this started abt 2 months ago, and it's a lot better than in the beginning. Some days feel clearer, some still less so. Some days I've felt so afraid I almost couldn't hold a pencil in my hand due to the excessive shaking, some days I've felt more alive than in years. I also went to see a doctor yesterday; she didn't quite understand me, as I had some trouble explaining myself, but she sent me to a psychiatrist who I'm hopefully going to see next year, and I feel pretty hopeful. I'm confident you can figure this out, and if you want to talk, there's a lot of people here, including me : ).