Suicide. People always stray away from the word. Like a curse. I've always wanted to talk about it. Always more interested than my classmates when the topic came up in Psych class. So many questions. Mostly the infamous "Are there any painless ways?" << Question for pussy's. I'll admit I am. A pussy. It's one of the main reasons I've never attempted. Telling myself: "I don't like pain". Wtf is that? Worrying about who would find me, the embarrassment my family would face, the mindless whispers they'd endure in the street. But most of all, what REALLY kept me from going; my little brother. I couldn't imagine leaving him. His face when my mother would have to explain what happened. I cant even fathom.... I could never do that to him. I think though, that it may just be me not wanting to. When people want to go, NOTHING holds them back. Maybe I've just never wanted it bad enough.
My DP has lowered substantially. I don't have the feeling of being out of my body anymore. But I do still go in and out of feelings when it comes to everyone close to me. Especially my ex. We're still very close. Yet I don't always feel that way. The other night we got into an argument because he felt I wasn't taking him seriously. Which I wasn't. He was trying to have a serious conversation with me and instead of being able to tune into it, I just laughed? The more mad he got with me, the harder I laughed. I felt bad that I didn't feel anything but that was just about it. It's not just with him either. I could be watching a show and as soon as it gets intense, I find it funny. My feelings don't last very long. I hate it. I want to be normal more than anything.
One day in my Child Dev. class, my prof brought up what he called "Decisions Euphoria"(?). I knew instantly what he meant. I've NEVER been so at peace then when I've planned to end it all. It's euphoric. Something to look forward to. Like the end of a school year or a vacation. Sick I know. I've experienced it 3 times in my life. Only once seriously. I was 13 or 14? I started making a list of who would get my things. Talking like there wasn't a future ("That would have been fun to do. Too bad I can't come"). A part of me always hoped someone would notice. My hopelessness, lack of interest in my appearance, low appetite and mostly, the bright pink scars covering my wrists. I never wore sleeves. Never hid them. It was a subconscious cry for help. I used to pray. Hard. For God to take me in my sleep. Bursting into tears every morning I would wake up. I grew out of it all though. I don't remember there ever being a turning point. I was depressed for months and then one day I just...wasn't.
It always comes back every now and then but I'ts back. And this time I can't shake it. I don't know what exactly caused it, what was different, nothing. It's so much different this time. I'm ashamed of it. I can't talk about it without feeling pathetic. I've never felt like this before. I always knew I needed help and was open to talking to a someone. Now I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to explain it to any one. I don't want anyone to see me as weak. Like I'm made of glass. I feel like I'm too old to feel this way. Like depression is only for teens. Maybe that's why I was okay with it before? I know deep down that that's not rational. Especially because I want to be a therapist myself, I'd never judge anyone. I can't shake the feeling of embarrassment. I told my ex finally. I really didn't want to but I figured I owe'd it to him since I'd been really irritable lately, taking it out on him. I explained to him I didn't want him to treat me any differently. He understood. I hated the whole conversation. I want to avoid it so much so that instead of seeing someone like I should, I'd much rather get medication and deal with it on my own. When I went to see my Dr. a couple days ago, she said the exact opposite. Telling me that it may be because I've been inactive all summer and to wait until school starts to see how I feel when I get back into the swing of things. Then she handed me a list of counselors and psychiatrists. I wanted to burst into tears right there in front of her. I looked forward to that appointment for weeks. Thinking that once I got the medication everything would be okay. I would be okay. I sucked it up and took the paper and left. I walked out with the thought in the back of my head that maybe the only way to truly look for ward to was...... I pushed the thought out of my head.
I figured the only way to get what I wanted was to tell my mother. So I did. She said she knew. That she noticed and thought it was because of some totally unrelated reason. I explained to her it wasn't and that I wanted meds for it. She said she'd schedule it with my other Dr. who would understand much more. The whole time I just kept thinking "You knew and didn't say anything? How could you not say anything??? How could you let me deal with this on my own like this??" We had never had an emotional relationship. I was the more emotionally reserved of all my siblings. But only because when around her I feel like weak for crying. Over the years I've just buried what ever I felt because I always got a feeling of pity from her. Like she was disappointed because she saw no sign of her strength in me. I hated it.
Although I told them I didn't want to be treated differently, I was disappointed with their reactions. I know it was what I had asked for but....
Suicide. How would you do it? I've thought it over a lot lately and came up with a method. I won't say how because I'd hate to give any one any ideas. Someone finding me is my major hang up though. If I did it, I would HAVE to complete it. Failing is NOT an option. I couldn't deal with the embarrassment. I've been thinking about it lately. And I don't want to. But I know after a while it won't be my decision This depression will take over me and I'll no longer have the strength to fight it. That scares me. More than anything in the world: That dark place. I'm so scared and no one knows....
ღ Fiona ღ
Oct 31 2013 02:27 AM
Oct 31 2013 02:28 AM
I know you don't know me but trust me when I say most of us are feeling the exact way as you in every way shape of form x.x