[powa]

Back in March 2012 I had what I call a panic attack - one of my friends had killed himself and after talking / listening to several people on the topic, many people said that people "do it on the spur of the moment" - this sent me into panic mode as I thought to myself "what if I lost control and killed myself"

The next morning I woke up and felt shit - I kept feeling like something wasn't right.

Fast forward a few weeks and I tried CBT, done 12 sessions over the space of 4 months. My experience is that it's very good but I didn't reveal all to my therapist initially and I might take a second round with a new one.

I have learned alot of "skills" and "tools" from CBT to calm and relax my mind - the major one being exercise and mindfullness.

On reflection, I don't think I explained myself very much to the therapist - I was threading very carefully on what I was thinking and for that she didn't understand me completely. As I said, I held back a little.

From "research", I think I'm going through a strong stage of Depersonalization and or pure ocd and have been since March 2012. Basically I keep ruminating on "philosophical" thoughts - constantly. It's an absolute fucking nuisance. I only recently found out my brother has OCD as my parents kept it under the rug for whatever known reason.

*spike alert*

Daily, my thoughts are:

1. What is life?
2. Solipism - is everyting in my head ( not as bad anymore )
3. Do other people have minds
4. Am I alive?
5. What happens after death?
6. Am I controlling my body
7. Do we actually have freewill
8. How can I see
9. Why do we have eyes
10. Do you see what I see
11. is your blue the same as my blue
12. Afraid of eternity
13. Afraid of life !
14. How do we know things
15. How did I become me?
16. What is me?
17. Are will all different or are we like the borg
18. Fear of losing control
19. Fear of hurting some one I love
20. etc.

As one can imagine, these thoughts create great anxiety for me - I have been down the rabbit hole and do not like what I see!

I also find myself constantly googling stuff when I'm anxious, for example:

1. I have just searched google for "Freaked out about being alive" and have read 3-4 answers on Yahoo Answers
2. The whole point of life feels weird - again, reading several posts from other people
3. Feel like I'm not in control philosphical - Again, reading similair posts from other users
4. Afraid of losing concsiousness - AGAIN - reading forums

Now - heres the thing, I do feel "comforted" when I read what others are experiencing but I feel like reassurance I'm looking for is getting harder and harder. Some of the stuff I'm thinking of becoming a complete mind bender. I then become more anxious until I search again. I have found myself reading up on stupid stuff for hours. It's becoming so routine like - fucking nuisance.

However, there have been improvements too in fairness:

1. I've flown to Florida ( 9 hour flight back and forth ) and stayed there for a week. I was so afraid that I might of freaked out when I was in another country - nothing happened
2. I have been to several concerts ( 10,000 - 50,000 people ) - did not freak out
3. I have NEVER freaked out or ended up in hospital
4. I am not on medication and never have been
5. I have never blanked out or hurt any one
6. Still working and running a business full time

So as you can imagine, I appear completely fine on the outside as I battle my demons on the inside.

Your thoughts appreciated.
Powa

 

[thepreem]

Could be depersonalization disorder, but do you feel detached, confused and numb, or are the fears your only symptom of depersonalization disorder?

 

[lauras]

Now - heres the thing, I do feel "comforted" when I read what others are experiencing but I feel like reassurance I'm looking for is getting harder and harder. Some of the stuff I'm thinking of becoming a complete mind bender. I then become more anxious until I search again. I have found myself reading up on stupid stuff for hours. It's becoming so routine like - fucking nuisance.

Yeah, seeking reassurance makes you feel good for awhile, but you're so creative that your mind will just come up with another scenario or edge to an old idea, so you're stuck in a loop.

Fearless posted a site here awhile back that really helped me:
http://nothingworks.weebly.com/ [search for "intrusive negative thoughts" on that page for specific help]

This part stuck with me when I was (and still am) out implementing everything on that site, I've seen some huge improvements over the past few weeks:

The answer to complete acceptance lies within the bravery and wisdom to leave the question unanswered. I have a strong belief that most people misinterpret the notion of what true acceptance is. Acceptance is not the acceptance of the anxiety condition. That is a small part of the solution. We need to accept the reality that our reactions and conversations with the anxiety condition is now firmly in our past... it is, in truth the acceptance that there is nothing whatsoever wrong with us in any way, shape or form.

To do this we do this we start to behave in a way that would be in-step with our choice lifestyle if we had no anxiety, we would act normally, we would in relation to our own negative anxiety beliefs pretend we are well. Our subsequent action becomes inaction with regards to fight/flight 'advice' and we get on with our lives, our rest/digest response is initiated and our unneeded 'protection' memory associations deleted.

This action removes the physical anxiety and the 'negative' protective thoughts and we emerge once more into the sunlight.

So with regard to acceptance, we are not accepting anxiety, we are accepting recovery.

Here's the original post from Fearless, I definitely think he's on to something:
http://www.dpselfhel...um/#entry270703

 

[powa]

Could be depersonalization disorder, but do you feel detached, confused and numb, or are the fears your only symptom of depersonalization disorder?

I do feel detached at times - I've often felt like im on automatic mode while I'm relentlessly thinking in the background. I have also been confused on several occasions but I do not feel "numb". I do try and socialise and I know on occasions I do be happy / content - however I find i lose focus quite easily and revert to liviing in my head.

 

[powa]

Yeah, seeking reassurance makes you feel good for awhile, but you're so creative that your mind will just come up with another scenario or edge to an old idea, so you're stuck in a loop.

Fearless posted a site here awhile back that really helped me:
http://nothingworks.weebly.com/ [search for "intrusive negative thoughts" on that page for specific help]

This part stuck with me when I was (and still am) out implementing everything on that site, I've seen some huge improvements over the past few weeks:
[/font][/color]

Here's the original post from Fearless, I definitely think he's on to something:
http://www.dpselfhel...um/#entry270703

Yep - I believe you're right in that I do have a creative mind. I think it spiraled out of control, ie it started off as follows:

• Fear of death
• Fear of what happens after death
• Fear of why we are here etc
• Fear of being on my own ( solipsism syndrome )
• Fear of not being in control
• etc

So yeah - it's irrational and will continue looping and going on to the next thing.

 

[powa]

Yeah I thought so - I do not know what the root cause is though - to be honest I've everything I ever wanted in life

Which is another thought I'll obsess about - losing it all

Sigh

 

[powa]

Pretty sure - Ive a family ( great girlfriend and super kid ), own house ( mortgage) and am my own boss ( self employed it consultant ) - I am doing "good" in real life.

Yes - I know there are others MILES off my predicament which makes it harder to ask for help.

I do have a *slight* physical anomalie that I conceal from the majority of people - im staring to wonder if this is the cause

 

[JoanneLiverpool1988]

I know exactly what triggered mine, I was obsessing over the 21.12.12 theory (Mayan calendar/world ending/planet alignment etc) it probably sounds ridiculous, but to me it was all I could think about. I was terrified of the unknown, I kept thinking (what if it does happen?...how will it happen?...what if there is no such thing as heaven and I never again see my Mum (who is EVERYTHING to me, as its only ever been us two) and my other precious family and friends as well) it drove me up the wall. Every day was spent on Google and Youtube looking in to it, listening to NASA saying it wouldn't happen etc, but still questioning...what if their wrong!...I have suffered with anxiety/depression issues for many years (they tend to come and go) and have been under Professor Dowrick since it started at my local GP practice so I thought I should go and see him, mainly because he has known me for years, and I felt that maybe speaking to an expert in psychology would calm me down somewhat. Upon seeing him, I felt ridiculous saying I was scared of "the end of the world" because of how far fetched it was but I couldn't help it, or shift them anxious thoughts. He said he understood why for someone like me, who suffers from severe anxiety etc it would be a terrifying prediction..because I read into things...I am more sensitive and gullible to what I read/or what I am told. Where as a person who does not suffer from anxiety problems (or mental health disorders shall we say) could shrug things off and more or less laugh at the theory...then forget about it and go about their daily business. Professor Dowrick prescribed me some "diazepam" and basically told me to use it "as and when needed" it'd just take the edge off. Ive never been one for meds and try to overcome things with willpower and time, so although the prescription was purchased, I never took any. Any way...the day of the 21.12.12 came and I was anxiously waiting for the time of 11.11 GMT to see if "doomsday" was in fact real and the predictions were right!...(as we both know it is now 03.01.13 06.27 GMT and we are still here...although my mind likes to say otherwise...) the time came and went and I thought..that'd be it...a huge weight of my shoulders...hear no more about it...science prevails and all that!!....WRONG!!!...that night of 21.12.12 my friend came over to stay (she'd known I'd felt scared about it all and thankfully didn't think I'd lost my mind) we had an Indian Takeaway and exchanged each others Christmas gifts...things felt OK at this point...later on at bedtime we go into my bed and put on a DVD...but instead of me being engrossed in the film, I was engrossed in my own thoughts. My mind was asking, what if it did actually happen and this is just a dream?...what if we all really died?...it all felt bizarre...I tried to ignore the thoughts and eventually fell asleep. Morning came and that was it...full on derealization had set in, I knew it was this because I have had it before many years ago (but I cant remember it being to this extent and I literally just woke up one day and it had gone) and since 21.12.12 it is still with me now...24/7 and it is painful to be alive (if that makes sense) I don't believe I am here, EVERYTHING around me seems obscure, I feel like I am just a shell, My family seem unfamiliar to me, I question are they really there in front of me or am I talking to thin air...why do we have a face...faces seem scary to me (abit like you questioning eyes), I feel like I am living in a dream (or should I say nightmare) I have concept of time at all, the days just seem to roll into one either time flies by or drags by and I question myself on things I have done (did I really do that) I cannot comprehend that is has just been Christmas and New Year...I feel trapped inside my own head...lost!! as though what if I see is not what others see...like if I brave myself and go to the shops have I really got dressed and really put some makeup on or am I still in my Pyjamas but I think I'm dressed...is my life just in my head but in reality I am in fact somewhere else, totally insane. I feel sick because I am that terrified, like I could actually vomit. I cannot grasp anything, I feel as though this will be with me forever...is it derealization or is it in fact all fake!!? am I going to wake up and its all been one long nightmare?...What if I lose control?....What if this isnt derealization and I turn schizophrenic and hurt someone and start hearing voices in my head (that are not just my own thoughts/my own voice) these feelings are terrifying, I am trying so hard to "get on with it" and "accept it" as it says on many derealization sites that this is JUST a symptom of an underline issue...i.e anxiety/depression and until the root cause (anxiety/depression) is conquered it will not go away, but how can you not feel anxious or depressed feeling that you are in deep unreality? It does also state on the derealization sites that "YOU ARE NOT GOING MAD" but I feel as though I am...I'm scared I'll get sectioned etc...I feel as though there is only so much my family can take before they leave it to the men in the white coats to handle. To make things worse...I last saw Professor Dowrick on 18.12.12 and he has not returned to the practice yet with it being Christmas, He was off unwell etc...I was booked in to see him on Thursday 27.12.12 but when I arrived at the surgery I was told he was off unwell and I was seeing Dr Riding, when I tried to explain it to her she looked a bit baffled (as psychology isn't her specific field) and just like she sympathized/felt sorry for me, she said she wasn't happen to prescribe any medication as I have been under Professor Dowrick for so long and would be happier to leave that to him...she booked me in to see him Today 03.01.12. However I called up the surgery yesterday to see if by chance he was in and I could see him then...he wasn't and I was then told that my appointment Today 03.01.12 is infact with Dr Riding again because she is taking over his surgery. The next time he is available is now next Tuesday 08.01.12, which means I have literally had no professional support or guidance since 18.12.12...3 weeks if I see him on the 8th. I feel in my subconscious that it is all in my head, and I wouldnt be able to ask the questions I do...or access things the way I have been if I had gone mad...but I am totally at my whits end...I just want my life back as I knew it, I cant go out because "its not real remember" I have been signed off from my job...again...because "its not real...will I really be in work? will my colleagues see what I see" I just want a miracle cure cos my heart and brain is aching.

 

[xxmdogxx]

Back in March 2012 I had what I call a panic attack - one of my friends had killed himself and after talking / listening to several people on the topic, many people said that people "do it on the spur of the moment" - this sent me into panic mode as I thought to myself "what if I lost control and killed myself"

The next morning I woke up and felt shit - I kept feeling like something wasn't right.

Fast forward a few weeks and I tried CBT, done 12 sessions over the space of 4 months. My experience is that it's very good but I didn't reveal all to my therapist initially and I might take a second round with a new one.

I have learned alot of "skills" and "tools" from CBT to calm and relax my mind - the major one being exercise and mindfullness.

On reflection, I don't think I explained myself very much to the therapist - I was threading very carefully on what I was thinking and for that she didn't understand me completely. As I said, I held back a little.

From "research", I think I'm going through a strong stage of Depersonalization and or pure ocd and have been since March 2012. Basically I keep ruminating on "philosophical" thoughts - constantly. It's an absolute fucking nuisance. I only recently found out my brother has OCD as my parents kept it under the rug for whatever known reason.

*spike alert*

Daily, my thoughts are:

1. What is life?
   
2. Solipism - is everyting in my head ( not as bad anymore )
   
3. Do other people have minds
   
4. Am I alive?
   
5. What happens after death?
   
6. Am I controlling my body
   
7. Do we actually have freewill
   
8. How can I see
   
9. Why do we have eyes
   
10. Do you see what I see
    
11. is your blue the same as my blue
    
12. Afraid of eternity
    
13. Afraid of life !
    
14. How do we know things
    
15. How did I become me?
    
16. What is me?
    
17. Are will all different or are we like the borg
    
18. Fear of losing control
    
19. Fear of hurting some one I love
    
20. etc.

As one can imagine, these thoughts create great anxiety for me - I have been down the rabbit hole and do not like what I see!

I also find myself constantly googling stuff when I'm anxious, for example:

1. I have just searched google for "Freaked out about being alive" and have read 3-4 answers on Yahoo Answers
   
2. The whole point of life feels weird - again, reading several posts from other people
   
3. Feel like I'm not in control philosphical - Again, reading similair posts from other users
   
4. Afraid of losing concsiousness - AGAIN - reading forums

Now - heres the thing, I do feel "comforted" when I read what others are experiencing but I feel like reassurance I'm looking for is getting harder and harder. Some of the stuff I'm thinking of becoming a complete mind bender. I then become more anxious until I search again. I have found myself reading up on stupid stuff for hours. It's becoming so routine like - fucking nuisance.

However, there have been improvements too in fairness:

1. I've flown to Florida ( 9 hour flight back and forth ) and stayed there for a week. I was so afraid that I might of freaked out when I was in another country - nothing happened
   
2. I have been to several concerts ( 10,000 - 50,000 people ) - did not freak out
   
3. I have NEVER freaked out or ended up in hospital
   
4. I am not on medication and never have been
   
5. I have never blanked out or hurt any one
   
6. Still working and running a business full time

So as you can imagine, I appear completely fine on the outside as I battle my demons on the inside.

Your thoughts appreciated.
Powa

yea you sound like your brain might be out of synch and a major change in perception has caused this, its funny you don't realize how powerful the human mind really is until things start to go wrong but they will correct I used to have constant philosophical thoughts until I started to recover and you realize they are caused by a major change in your brains functioning not by the fact that your brain itself is any different. If you could cure fear you could stop your dp dead in its tracks its just none of us are able to do that for long enough to see any results. the perfect example is meditation, if you do it constantly for an hour or so your DP will get better in a major way so it just goes to show it is fear.

 

[JackDanielß]

OP it doesn't matter whether you have DP or not, what matters is that you have a problem.

 

[powa]

OP it doesn't matter whether you have DP or not, what matters is that you have a problem.

Who would of guessed!

 

[powa]

I know exactly what triggered mine, I was obsessing over the 21.12.12 theory (Mayan calendar/world ending/planet alignment etc) it probably sounds ridiculous, but to me it was all I could think about. I was terrified of the unknown, I kept thinking (what if it does happen?...how will it happen?...what if there is no such thing as heaven and I never again see my Mum (who is EVERYTHING to me, as its only ever been us two) and my other precious family and friends as well) it drove me up the wall. Every day was spent on Google and Youtube looking in to it, listening to NASA saying it wouldn't happen etc, but still questioning...what if their wrong!...I have suffered with anxiety/depression issues for many years (they tend to come and go) and have been under Professor Dowrick since it started at my local GP practice so I thought I should go and see him, mainly because he has known me for years, and I felt that maybe speaking to an expert in psychology would calm me down somewhat. Upon seeing him, I felt ridiculous saying I was scared of "the end of the world" because of how far fetched it was but I couldn't help it, or shift them anxious thoughts. He said he understood why for someone like me, who suffers from severe anxiety etc it would be a terrifying prediction..because I read into things...I am more sensitive and gullible to what I read/or what I am told. Where as a person who does not suffer from anxiety problems (or mental health disorders shall we say) could shrug things off and more or less laugh at the theory...then forget about it and go about their daily business. Professor Dowrick prescribed me some "diazepam" and basically told me to use it "as and when needed" it'd just take the edge off. Ive never been one for meds and try to overcome things with willpower and time, so although the prescription was purchased, I never took any. Any way...the day of the 21.12.12 came and I was anxiously waiting for the time of 11.11 GMT to see if "doomsday" was in fact real and the predictions were right!...(as we both know it is now 03.01.13 06.27 GMT and we are still here...although my mind likes to say otherwise...) the time came and went and I thought..that'd be it...a huge weight of my shoulders...hear no more about it...science prevails and all that!!....WRONG!!!...that night of 21.12.12 my friend came over to stay (she'd known I'd felt scared about it all and thankfully didn't think I'd lost my mind) we had an Indian Takeaway and exchanged each others Christmas gifts...things felt OK at this point...later on at bedtime we go into my bed and put on a DVD...but instead of me being engrossed in the film, I was engrossed in my own thoughts. My mind was asking, what if it did actually happen and this is just a dream?...what if we all really died?...it all felt bizarre...I tried to ignore the thoughts and eventually fell asleep. Morning came and that was it...full on derealization had set in, I knew it was this because I have had it before many years ago (but I cant remember it being to this extent and I literally just woke up one day and it had gone) and since 21.12.12 it is still with me now...24/7 and it is painful to be alive (if that makes sense) I don't believe I am here, EVERYTHING around me seems obscure, I feel like I am just a shell, My family seem unfamiliar to me, I question are they really there in front of me or am I talking to thin air...why do we have a face...faces seem scary to me (abit like you questioning eyes), I feel like I am living in a dream (or should I say nightmare) I have concept of time at all, the days just seem to roll into one either time flies by or drags by and I question myself on things I have done (did I really do that) I cannot comprehend that is has just been Christmas and New Year...I feel trapped inside my own head...lost!! as though what if I see is not what others see...like if I brave myself and go to the shops have I really got dressed and really put some makeup on or am I still in my Pyjamas but I think I'm dressed...is my life just in my head but in reality I am in fact somewhere else, totally insane. I feel sick because I am that terrified, like I could actually vomit. I cannot grasp anything, I feel as though this will be with me forever...is it derealization or is it in fact all fake!!? am I going to wake up and its all been one long nightmare?...What if I lose control?....What if this isnt derealization and I turn schizophrenic and hurt someone and start hearing voices in my head (that are not just my own thoughts/my own voice) these feelings are terrifying, I am trying so hard to "get on with it" and "accept it" as it says on many derealization sites that this is JUST a symptom of an underline issue...i.e anxiety/depression and until the root cause (anxiety/depression) is conquered it will not go away, but how can you not feel anxious or depressed feeling that you are in deep unreality? It does also state on the derealization sites that "YOU ARE NOT GOING MAD" but I feel as though I am...I'm scared I'll get sectioned etc...I feel as though there is only so much my family can take before they leave it to the men in the white coats to handle. To make things worse...I last saw Professor Dowrick on 18.12.12 and he has not returned to the practice yet with it being Christmas, He was off unwell etc...I was booked in to see him on Thursday 27.12.12 but when I arrived at the surgery I was told he was off unwell and I was seeing Dr Riding, when I tried to explain it to her she looked a bit baffled (as psychology isn't her specific field) and just like she sympathized/felt sorry for me, she said she wasn't happen to prescribe any medication as I have been under Professor Dowrick for so long and would be happier to leave that to him...she booked me in to see him Today 03.01.12. However I called up the surgery yesterday to see if by chance he was in and I could see him then...he wasn't and I was then told that my appointment Today 03.01.12 is infact with Dr Riding again because she is taking over his surgery. The next time he is available is now next Tuesday 08.01.12, which means I have literally had no professional support or guidance since 18.12.12...3 weeks if I see him on the 8th. I feel in my subconscious that it is all in my head, and I wouldnt be able to ask the questions I do...or access things the way I have been if I had gone mad...but I am totally at my whits end...I just want my life back as I knew it, I cant go out because "its not real remember" I have been signed off from my job...again...because "its not real...will I really be in work? will my colleagues see what I see" I just want a miracle cure cos my heart and brain is aching.

Hi Joanne,

I've read through your post and feel terrible for you. For what it's worth THINGS DO GET BETTER WITH TIME. I was in a really bad situation in March and April - I am 100 times better now then I was then.

Oddly enough, the last 3 days I've seen a massive improvement in my anxiety, I have begun to feel normalish possibly due to one of the following:

• Posting the above topic
• Practicing the hypnosis spiral ( http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/30151-i-found-the-cure/ )
• Back excercising again

Another interesting thing is I wear contact lenses alot and I absolutely hate having a checkup incase they find something wrong with my eyes. I made the appointment yesterday for today and I was extremely anxious during the check up - felt like running out of the room. But I didn't and guess what? My eyes are fine and I actually need a less stronger prescription ( +1.25 to +1.00 )

 

[powa]

yea you sound like your brain might be out of synch and a major change in perception has caused this, its funny you don't realize how powerful the human mind really is until things start to go wrong but they will correct I used to have constant philosophical thoughts until I started to recover and you realize they are caused by a major change in your brains functioning not by the fact that your brain itself is any different. If you could cure fear you could stop your dp dead in its tracks its just none of us are able to do that for long enough to see any results. the perfect example is meditation, if you do it constantly for an hour or so your DP will get better in a major way so it just goes to show it is fear.

The philosophical stuff is scary.. I remember one guy saying he would prefer a physical disease such as cancer over it.

Personally, I prefer neither

Schizophrenia etc were initial fears by the way.

 

[powa]

Joanne,

By the way, the "it's not real, is it real" phase will go away. I also experienced it ( is that shop real? How do I know if its there? etc ) and came through it fine.

The "is life a dream" phase will also go away - been through that too.

Hope this helps

 

[xxmdogxx]

The philosophical stuff is scary.. I remember one guy saying he would prefer a physical disease such as cancer over it.

Personally, I prefer neither

Schizophrenia etc were initial fears by the way.

i hate this website

 

[MIndfAEL]

i really dont wanna seperate dp vs dr i dont see the difference. i know what they are defined as but i think they are the same thing

 

[Haumea]

Pretty sure - Ive a family ( great girlfriend and super kid ), own house ( mortgage) and am my own boss ( self employed it consultant ) - I am doing "good" in real life.

You have everything you want in life, except peace of mind.

In other words, you don't have everything you want in life, you have a situation which you're afraid to lose, because ultimately, deep down, you don't believe in yourself.

 

[JackDanielß]

That sounds very reasonable!

 

[powa]

I meant on the outside; it would appear I have everything to others when inside I'm really falling to pieces

 

[blacknightmare666]

Joanne,

By the way, the "it's not real, is it real" phase will go away. I also experienced it ( is that shop real? How do I know if its there? etc ) and came through it fine.

The "is life a dream" phase will also go away - been through that too.

Hope this helps

how long did you ask yourself these questions?