[Axel19]

Ok here's the deal,
Some of you may recall that I started uni' in October. A few weeks before starting, for reasons I wont' go into (mainly because there ar enone), I smoked weed again. My dp was originally brought on by weed smoking. This time I really smoked it. Naturally it totally screwed me up. Anyway I've been in a very bad relapse ever since, worse dp/dr ever....etc etc. So here I am at uni, and waddaya' know everyone's a f*cking druggie. Seriously, I came back from work last night at 3 am, to find a large number of people wandering around my floor, totally mashed on magic mushrooms. All the people in my block seem to do is get stoned (they don't even get drunk), and now they're all talking about going on to harder drugs like lsd.
Students, the cream of society, F*CK OFF!!!
They all seem to have come from very middle class backgrounds as well, devoid of any prior drug use. It's like Lord of the Flies here. I do hang around with them, when they're stoned or tripping or whatever. The weird thing is they have no idea that I'm on a constant acid trip anyway. There's this one guy who is absolutely insistent on me trying mushrooms. He's the so called 'deep thinking' type, and we have many philosophical chats, so he thinks that if we both take drugs we can have even more 'far out' discussions. So the other day I explained to him very briefly about my experiences with weed, a very vague description of what it felt like to be inside my head. Clearly he didn't have a clue, so I gave up. When I told him that I like to go to the gym and go running becuase it was the only thing that seemd to distract me from myself, he gave the most infuriating response. It was typical student pompous inanity, he said I "shouldn't go to the gym" (followed by a chilled out 'maaaan'), but should try and find a good balance for smoking weed so I can relax. He was being deadly serious. It was at this point that I decided never to talk about my dp to anyone ever again. It's so aggrevating though. Clearly he thinks that such pursuits as fitness and strength are totally poitnless, and that one should instead pursue higher plains of existence, just like every other student seems to be doing with their drug experimentation.
F*ck it, just give me a 60k salary, a company car, a big house, two week vacation in Florida each year. There's nothing wrong with that? I don't want this so called 'transcendental' crap anymore.
Thios fucking university crap is killing me. It's like one big wasters holiday, with a few lectures thrown in.

 

[DutchMark]

I know exeactly what you mean man, you have no clue what is going on in holland these days. Everyone who calls him or herself intelligent and "open minded" is tripping on mushrooms or high on weed. It's like they are all seeking for another reality to make fun in.
Don't even try to tell these people that you are on your own trip the whole day, cause they can't believe its like a nightmare.
nobody seems to understand that their minds can play tricks on them.
I don't talk to people about DP that often, there is just no reason for others to know about it

 

[Guest]

I know how you feel. I have a lot of friends who are all about smoking weed, eating shrooms, and taking other lovely drugs. I have to be around them while they're freaking out. They just look so stupid to me.

 

[JasonFar]

Hey Axel,

I have a new coworker who I've talked to a bit about this stuff. He's done most the drugs in the book, and we got to talking about them. I told him I used to smoke weed quite a bit... He talked about acid, and how it can screw with your sense of Self; I told him that was why I stopped smoking weed in the first place. He didn't seem to understand that, as if weed wasn't a mind-altering drug enough to produce those kind of experiences, and I admit I felt a bit like a weiner, as I was able to trip out on myself with marijuana, and he's gone on to bigger and better (respectively, lol) things.

I went to his apartment not long ago, and we played some Halo and listened to some music. I asked him "so how often do you toke up?", and he said something, I don't remember. So I said, "you know it's cool man, if you want to toke up go right on ahead.". He got out his bong and away he went. I learned he's pretty habitual, smokes pretty much every day as I did. BUT, he is a pretty responsible person, intelligent, etc, etc, and it doesn't seem to effect him. Well, let me rephrase; he probably (or definitely) has a chemical dependency, but his mental faculties are still pretty straight, compared to how my sense of Self and a whole lot of other stuff hovered around my pot use...

What's my point? Not sure. Funny how you explain most the uni people you hang out with are from Suburbia and don't have much experience in mind altering substances. That was kind of like me; only, where it started out as analyzing and questioning the purpose of thing, society, my position in it, and all that philosophical stuff, I eventually got to the point where I was doing it so much, and while I thought I was becoming profound with these insights, the fact remain I forgot that I still existed inside of this law-filled, responsibility driven society and Life. I hadn't really garnered any answers, only avoided them.... Then reality hits you like a train, and panic and self-identity and all that come about.... That's not too difficult a route for them to take, so I wouldn't put it past them that many of them may have hardships ahead, if they continue to unabashedly abuse the drugs and their minds.

 

[enngirl5]

Axel, it's just them being freshmen. You're a lot wiser than these people because of your experiences and the difficulty you've been through. And I'm sure you can wax philosophical with the best of them drugs or no drugs, lol. The higher up in school you get the more people will be into studying and all. I know how you feel though. At least you drink. I don't even do that anymore so I'm living a completely different life than the people I'm in college with. And it sucks. But, hang in there. You're strong. You know who you are, and don't need to prove yourself to anyone. Take care.

 

[Guest]

Wow.

When I told him that I like to go to the gym and go running becuase it was the only thing that seemd to distract me from myself, he gave the most infuriating response. It was typical student pompous inanity, he said I "shouldn't go to the gym" (followed by a chilled out 'maaaan'), but should try and find a good balance for smoking weed so I can relax. He was being deadly serious.

HaHa.

He's SEDATED. He wants you to OPEN YOUR MIND... instead of running off some endorphins... I HATE STAGNATING PEOPLE. Those people that SAY things that make you "feel" STUCK IN THE MUD.
"Quicksand" people...

I smoked pot "every lunch time" my final year of community college...
Wasted lots of money...
Started failing exams and screaming at people in the park... People saw the junk inside me...
Would go home, MUM DIDN'T NOTICE ANYTHING!!!
Supposedly being treated for SCHIZOPHRENIA... On high dose anti-psychotics... and no VOICES POPPED IN! What the-

I stopped... without my therapist hearing about the behaviour, without my MUM suspecting me... and without help.
I just QUIT... and had a few months of... death.
I think an IMPULSE in my head fired about 50 times a day "If you SMOKE POT you wont be feeling like this!"
I nearly bloody died from the soul death of it.

I once tried to commit suicide... I took an overdose of Kemidrin... My Mum phoned poison information and they said it had disorienting, hallucinagenic effects in very large doses (I took 150)

I "tripped" for 3 days... and slept for 2.

Erm... why didn't they take me to get a freakin SALINE IV...? Wha-

I'd NEVER done "ecstasy" or LSD or shrooms... and I never. bleepin. WILL.

While I overdosed, I didn't shower, didn't go to class, and "smoked"... not my cigarettes, but a packet of lifesavers (LIGHTER), and... a pen. I swear I'd thought I had the harmless end.
I TASTED BLEEPIN INK FOR A GODDAMN WEEK, urg, ink.

Why me.

And... with the hallucinagenic effect... I wasn't "distressed"... are you supposed to not be distressed? With pot I'm a nightmare though... I have to smoke alone.

 

[Axel19]

Thanks for the responses guys.
You know another thing he said, when I was trying to explain how I felt most of the time. I was going on about how I felt at one with physical reality, as if there was no difference between my mind and the physical world, lost sense of self, tripping all the time...etc. His reasponse was 'that's bullshit, maaaan.' He's not a nasty person or anything, I just reckon that he couldn't bare the fact that this ordinary bloke standing before him, in sports clothes, ready to go to the gym, who didn't smoke pot, or even drink that much, who didn't carry around a didgeridoo, wearing psycadellic pants and a vest, with dreads. Who was in fact striving for very practical philosophy, and desperately trying to abandon the terrifying 'far out', mind fuck philosophy that had become so engrained in his conscience, could possibly have these experiences day in day out. He would have felt diappointed, that all these experiences could fall on such an apparently average personality such as mine.
He keeps saying how I should smoke pot in a safe environment, just a few friends in his room or something. What he doesn't realise is that that's what makes this experience so terrifying, that such an ordinary set up as chatting with a few friends in a relatively pleasant, familiar, domestic set up, can transform into a sheer nightmare. At least if it was in a dirty undeground club, with hardcore techno pumping out, and strobe lights and stuff, at least then my environment would reflect my state of mind some what, it would feel right in some respect.
Another thing, and I know this is stupid, but I do feel slightly inferior for being the only one not doing these drugs. It's annoying, and I know I sound like some judgemental jock, but when you see some scrawny little nerd with no personal hygeine, banging on about his experience with coke at some rad' music festival, you wonder whether the social order in high school was in fact better.
I don't think these people are even real friends. What they do is sit around smoking weed, talking about smoking weed, it's absurd.
Sorry, just had to vent.

 

[Guest]

Thanks for the responses guys.
You know another thing he said, when I was trying to explain how I felt most of the time. I was going on about how I felt at one with physical reality, as if there was no difference between my mind and the physical world, lost sense of self, tripping all the time...etc. His reasponse was 'that's bullshit, maaaan.' He's not a nasty person or anything, I just reckon that he couldn't bare the fact that this ordinary bloke standing before him, in sports clothes, ready to go to the gym, who didn't smoke pot, or even drink that much, who didn't carry around a didgeridoo, wearing psycadellic pants and a vest, with dreads. Who was in fact striving for very practical philosophy, and desperately trying to abandon the terrifying 'far out', mind f--- philosophy that had become so engrained in his conscience, could possibly have these experiences day in day out. He would have felt diappointed, that all these experiences could fall on such an apparently average personality such as mine.
He keeps saying how I should smoke pot in a safe environment, just a few friends in his room or something. What he doesn't realise is that that's what makes this experience so terrifying, that such an ordinary set up as chatting with a few friends in a relatively pleasant, familiar, domestic set up, can transform into a sheer nightmare. At least if it was in a dirty undeground club, with hardcore techno pumping out, and strobe lights and stuff, at least then my environment would reflect my state of mind some what, it would feel right in some respect.
Another thing, and I know this is stupid, but I do feel slightly inferior for being the only one not doing these drugs. It's annoying, and I know I sound like some judgemental jock, but when you see some scrawny little nerd with no personal hygeine, banging on about his experience with coke at some rad' music festival, you wonder whether the social order in high school was in fact better.
I don't think these people are even real friends. What they do is sit around smoking weed, talking about smoking weed, it's absurd.
Sorry, just had to vent.

You're forgiven.

Are you a "Philosophy" student?

He would have felt diappointed, that all these experiences could fall on such an apparently average personality such as mine.

Bingo

What he doesn't realise is that that's what makes this experience so terrifying, that such an ordinary set up as chatting with a few friends in a relatively pleasant, familiar, domestic set up, can transform into a sheer nightmare. At least if it was in a dirty undeground club, with hardcore techno pumping out, and strobe lights and stuff, at least then my environment would reflect my state of mind some what, it would feel right in some respect.

I understand. You get too NERVY...

but when you see some scrawny little nerd with no personal hygeine, banging on about his experience with coke at some rad' music festival, you wonder whether the social order in high school was in fact better.

Yush. I often think that obediant 3 year olds act much better than most adults...

 

[gem]

Axel, I hope you do not mind me saying but I do not understand where you are coming from. Living in the world of dp/dr is so painful and it tears at every inch of one's soul. Day after day alot of us try to live in the moment because with this that is all you can do sometimes. It takes every bit of strentgh just to get through the day. I just wanted to say, why would you do something knowing it can give you this illness, and why would you repeat it knowing how awful you felt the first time. It makes no sense to me at all. I am so sorry I consider myself to be a very kind human being but I personally think you are causing yourself a lot of grief. I will never understand why a human being would do something to make themself unwell. Sorry I just do not understand.

gem.

 

[enngirl5]

For what it's worth, I was one of those people in college sitting around smoking pot all day, talking about it, trying to get it etc. My semester at a hippie school that's all I did. And there were times I wished I didn't. Most of the people I knew smoked but some didn't and sometimes I would have liked to be one of the people that didn't. Because it was like, me and my friends that smoked, that was ALL we ever talked about and did. And I felt bummy sometimes being such a pothead. We didn't look down on the people that didn't smoke, at all. I wouldn't say pot is addictive, but it is habit forming, and expensive to boot. And when you smoke you're really unmotivated. Like one of my roommates that didn't smoke always tried to get me to go to the gym with her, and I always planned on it but of course never did cause I was so lazy. Sometimes I get jealous of people that still can smoke pot but I think I smoked it for sooo long that I can appreciate not needing it to get through the day. Axel, I know there are some people at your school that don't smoke pot. Just hang out with the drinkers, lol. But if you know pot is gonna give you panic attacks and all, don't do it.

 

[Axel19]

Thanks again guys.
Gem, I think you've misunderstood me. There's no way on God's earth I'm ever gonna' smoke pot again. I'm just saying that my current social environment is very drug oriented. The reason I smoked pot last summer, two years after my initial experience, was because I was more or less free from dp and anxiety, or at least I thought I was.
Actually I don't know why the hell I smoked it again, it was very stupid, yes!!!

 

[Inflammed]

I think with all this DP sh*t we learned how fragile and precious is life.
People around us are simply diving into illness via food, pills, anger and drugs.
We are so ill that it's frustrating us very bad.

I changed so much since DP overwhelmed my life, I feel I've become so much connected to life (in a certain way) and I beleive that I see much more than all the humans around me.

In a way, it enlighted my soul...I feel much closer to my inner self and to all energies around me.
I'm not saying it's all good 'caus the suffering that comes with it is a bit pricey !
[/list]

 

[gem]

Axel, thank you for explaining to me. I am sorry I did misunderstand you. I know we are all trying to cope in this horrible illness and sometimes you just do not know what to do.

gem.