peace

i had a moment of peace today. where i didn't regret what had happened. where it didn't matter, to the point where i was thanking god for letting me see what all had happened.

those moments of numbness...when the world suddenly changes and you get into DP/DR, are not just because of what you thought right BEFORE them, but what you have been thinking for a LONG TIME (months, years) before that thought, what your patterns and life had been, that made you think that.

My acting teacher today asked us what a "bold choice" was.

My experience with this disorder allowed me to give him the best damn answer he's probably ever heard for that question.

I immediately said:

"It's the thought in your mind that you think and go 'no, I don't want to do that' about...THAT's the choice you HAVE to make. That's the choice you go for."

anybody else would probably have said "it's a daring choice!" but i said exactly what it was. what it was that separated you the actor from everybody else. what separated the dp from teh non dp. what seperated people who can spell seperate and people who can't (am i spelling it right? i might be in the latter group. crap. i was always in the high [purple] spelling group in school)

but what also keeps you separated from yourself.

The bold choice is the thing you don't really want to do. you dont' want to be seen doing it and you dont' want to know you do it and you dont' want to do it and who needs it anyway.

i have gone too long not making those choices. when they're what your'e supposed to do so your brain doesn't run into dissociative hiding.

while all dp'd going in circles thinking i was numb over this or that and why did i have that sudden thought...it's because all those times a bold choice was asked of me...the choice to put myself first, the choice to trust more, the choice to get to know myself better...the choice to stare int he mirror and accept that i'm a female and a human and that's not disgusting...those were the "no, don't want to do that now's" that compounded over the years.

eventaully i could not face that anymore.

i still WANTED to feel good about certain things. i just didn't want to have to face myself, too. I wanted those good things to just HAPPEN to me. Love, without loving myself first. Some guy to make me feel good, when I don't even want to learn how to feel good on my own. i wanted to be this image in my mind, but not of this body. maybe someday. when i'm good looking enough. and everybody likes me. i'll have everything. i don't need to trust or really talk to people or do any of that silly stuff. i just need to be perfect.

i wanted someone nearby to keep me from thinking.

there are still things i wish i had 'been there' for. but now i have an explanation. adn that helps so much. so incredibly much, that it makes things okay. i realize what happened. thats' the important thing.