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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well, I've been in Santa Fe, NM, for almost 2 weeks. When I first got here, within a couple days, my grandma and I got into a HUGE fight (if you are as psychotically insane as our friend Martin and can actually endure reading the whole thing, not only will it explain my stance now but I will give you a gold star.)

I mean we technically made up, I initiated the apology, even gave her a hug and all that shit.

But then I went back to hating her, and I hate her so god damned much and i'm freaked out by her presence and freaked out by the presence of the person I'm staying with. I don't have a moment's peace. I literally feel like I could be accused of something that I have no idea about now, as was the case with Grandma when she decided to bring up ALL these things I did wrong (half of which I didn't even know about).

So now I'm in a total panic mode, I can't say what I really think to people, I want to kill everybody because I feel like I can't even express when I am mad at them, this fucking post I'm typing is making me mad. I want to burn down a house. Every time I talk to my grandma I have to REALLY monitor myself to make sure a fight like that doesn't happen again, because she is still in a position to sweep something from under my feet I feel. I wish so bad that she would just die. I hate her. And I can't be myself. LIke, at all.

I'm volunteering at a camp about 15 miles away and I would stay there overnight but everyone thinks it's a bad idea because until the camp starts I would literally be alone in this house out in the middle of nowhere. But being in town is making me want to die. I'm scared now about being out in the middle of nowhere in a place where I can't even smoke if I want to (can't smoke on the campgrounds) so I literally feel that if I go out there and stay out there alone I'll go insane. Should I just say fuck it and get out to the camp?
 

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I see two possible options here:

1. Say f*ck it and get out to that camp (the initial solitude might actually be good for you. Allow you time to think and get your head together).

2. Pretend you're sick. (I was in a very similar situation in the summer of my 19th year, but as soon as I started faking a stomach virus, my antagonist immediately turned sympathetic.)

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if i was in your situation, mind you we are different people, I would be at the the campsite house in a second - I like solitude, and nature. I get excited just thinking about it, making a campfire and looking at the stars. but you are a good distance away from town, and aren't there a lot of illegals crossing through that area? and i can totally relate with your situation - my mom has the same effect on me. she knows how to push my buttons, and has made things VERY VERY VERY difficult. SO it is eay for me to just jump ship if i have somewhere to go. who is telling you that it's not a good idea to stay at the house? is there a reason why they are saying that? the other option is to avoid your grandma all together, but still sleep under the same roof. I mean spend your awake hours at the mall, or library (you're studying to become a realtor right?), or checking out the sights nd what not, then get home after grandma is in bed (like 6pm, right? ) I hope this helps, that is what helped me get through those years when i had no choice but to spend alot of time around someone that bothered me to that point. hope it helps :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
thanks for the replies...i went out to the site (not really a campsite...there are nice homes that we stay in) and there were some other people there that i made friends with.

hm

still a bit nervous...tonight grandma/her husband/the woman i have been staying with/and myself are going to the opening night of some stupid play. The woman i'm staying with suggested I dress up in my nice skirt because it's "opening night" but i rewind back to when my grandma said I looked like a street person in what I was wearing and HAD to wear black pants to the gallery opening (where i saw some girls my age in sweatpants and flip flops)...so I'm going to wear the crappier skirt and a tank top and if she says you can't come I'll be like "au revoir cunt!"

i feel better already!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
oh and MAN it's a good thing I"m not at her house because I have the HUGEST urge to break that new sculpture she got..the one that cost more than a semester at TU...
 

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I apologize, P. for being somewhat removed from the conversations as of late, I've been busy lately and it doesn't look as though it's going to stop...so I may be coming in on this thing and you could give me the "shut the hell up" treatment here...but....

It sounds to me like she represents a form of establishment that you either dispise or resent very much; perhaps a style of living or a mindset about the way one might live that is very counter to your preferred style of existence. The fact that you're basically stuck in her presence (through family connections, etc.) is basically putting you into a tailspin as you feel, not only incapable of expressing yourself and your chosen way of living, but also making mistakes in that world and being able to grow and continue refining your self. All of this basically presents itself in your consistent feeling of being trapped and stuck, and wanting to break free, and perhaps break her.....basically, you feel trapped, and she's the one on the outside reminding you of that....
 
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