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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Exactly 364 days ago (I was gonna write this tomorrow but I'll be travelling), I got hit with DR. It came out of absolutely nowhere just as I was about to make dinner. I was a pretty consistent pot smoker, but on this day I hadn't smoked at all. It felt like I had been drugged; it felt almost identical to the time a few months before where I stupidly took acid alone. It went away that time, but this has lingered for a year now.

I'm not recovered; I 100% promise to write a recovery story whenever I am out of this. That's not to say I haven't made progress. Recovery for me has been unbelievably slow and incredibly inconsistent. Sometimes I feel so good I'll think I'll be out of it by the end of the month, and other times I feel just as bad as I felt back last October. Just last week, I had a couple days where I felt so good I thought "I'd be ok if this is as far as I get", and then earlier this week I had maybe the worst feeling day I've ever had. I'm feeling pretty ok today though. I can't stress how inconsistent and SLOW recovery is for me, but I know it's happening. April was better than March, which was better than February, which was better than January, which was better than December, which was better than November, which was better than October. It kinda seemed like I plateaued over the summer, but September has been the best month yet. Things just feel real again. My short term memory isn't as much of a problem, and past memories actually seem like my own. I've been feeling more and more emotions, not just happiness, but sadness, frustration, nervousness, whereas before I was just a totally blank slate. I'm not scared of going outside anymore or driving (still a little scared of driving) or being by myself in a supermarket. On days where I don't feel my best I remind myself of all the progress I've made. It may help to keep a journal. Lately I've been focusing on treating DPDR as background static; acknowledging that it's there but not focusing on or worrying too much about it.

I have tried many many many many things to help me through this process (I may make a post on everything I tried).Most things didn't help, but practicing mindfulness was probably the single biggest thing that did. With mindfulness, you become more aware and in control of your thoughts, instead of them being in control of you. It's not easy, but that's why they call it "practicing", and you can always get better at it.

I would really love to try to help anyone out there struggling with this. I'd also really really love to hear from people who have recovered or made significant progress and what they did. Please please please don't hesitate to DM me if you have any questions or advice or want any help from me at all. I'm not recovered, but I do have a year of experience with many many highs and lows. I'll give you my personal email so that we can communicate off this website (since I don't check it often). Also, if you're in Boston, I'm considering meeting people in person if that would help, though I may be too busy to do that.

Anyway, good luck everyone, and don't give up! It's a process, a longgg one, but it's doable. I am a real life person that has had severe DPDR and made significant progress. It's unbelievable to me that it's been a year, it certainly doesn't feel like it. Even though I'm not recovered, it's ok. I'm at a point where I can function in everyday life, and no longer scared of living. It gets better. Til next year!
 

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Quick comment:

After I posted this I went back and read some of my previous posts. I have posts from December, January, and April all saying the same thing: "Recovery is way slower than I thought it'd be, but I am continuing to get better" That's why recovery is so fucking weird. All those times I posted I really thought I'd be better within the next few weeks. I can't remember exactly how I felt when I wrote those, but reading them makes me think sometimes that I'm actually not getting better, just swinging back and forth between bad and good.

I really really do think that I am continuing to improve but definitely nonlinearly. For those of you into math, it feels like reality is an asymptote, and recovery is the curve that bit by bit gets closer to that line and never quite gets there. Hopefully I can get close enough to reality where I forget about DPDR. My criteria for recovery is if I can go a week without thinking about it. So far I haven't even made it an hour lol
 
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