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I've posted here twice already but for those who are willing to read, I'd like to start over.

This is an odd start but...

I saw Jesus Christ Superstar when I was 15 years old. This was the first time, although I didn't know, I experienced derealization. Funny, right?

Suddenly, at the end of the show, I thought I was dying. I grabbed my mother as the crowd cheered and told her I loved her. At 15 years old, I accepted death. With legs like jelly, I ran to the bathroom and had diarrhea. I walked around the theater feeling like my feet weren't touching the ground. I didn't know what could have possibly been wrong. I became attached to the water fountain as my mom and sister looked at merchandise because my only explanation was dehydration. I didn't know any better.

Somehow, that night I fell asleep for an hour or two but when I woke up the feeling wasn't gone. I battled it for months. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and I was eventually able to accept it. I fought for a long time but after about 6 months the bouts of what felt like leaving reality started to disperse.

Over the course of my adolescences and young adult life the panic attacks were infrequent.

Then in October of 2015 during my fall semester of college, what I consider to be the worst thing that has ever happened to me, I had a psychotic break. The derealization was constant.

When I sat in the passenger seat of a car I'd look out the window and see plastic trees and doll houses. Nothing was real. I couldn't sleep for 2 weeks. I couldn't eat without having diarrhea. I'd lost touch with reality. It was a never ending panic attack.

I started to become delusional.

I couldn't look into my then boyfriend's eyes without feeling sick. I thought everyone was an a humanoid. I thought everyone I loved was a literal robot. I had stepped into the uncanny valley and I couldn't get out. I was so paranoid to the point that I wouldn't even take Tylenol because I was afraid it was tainted with some sort of chemical to knock me out. I couldn't even take my meds because every time I did I would make myself throw up in a panic from fear of being poisoned and then tortured by my friends and family.

(Eventually I would be diagnosed with Capgras Syndrome later in life.)

Finally, I want to the ER in fear of serotonin syndrome. I consented to be placed in an inpatient facility.

I was petrified but I needed help and I needed it right away.

One of the strongest moment's of my life was taking the medication they offered to me which was klonopin.

I finally slept. I finally felt like I was coming back.

When I left, the feelings still lingered but I got through it day by day.

Now, 2 years later, those feelings are nipping at my heels. I haven't broken yet but I'm afraid.

I need someone to talk to personally.

Anyone who can relate even a little bit.

I don't care who.

I need your help.
 

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Hey Emily,

DR and DP are not "psychotic breaks" i know people who have them and they are very different. You do sound like you have a lot of anxiety the whole way through that story, which is a normal thing with DP and anxiety. The big thing that points to this strongly is having relief from Klonopin, an anti anxiety tablet basically. Also the fact you felt you were coming back while on it, so that's a good thing.

Feel free to PM me
 
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