G
Guest
·I once loved a boy ? well, was IN love with him. I was as crazy as anyone locked up, and as happy as anyone who ever lived. His face, his hands, his smell, his walk ? pieces of reality that I memorized and recalled with near-fever. You?ve been in love. You know.
Later, let us say for the sake of argument, I might have tried to fall in love with someone else. Nobody in particular, but let?s say I was desperate to FEEL that feeling again ? that dizzying cloud of insanity and wildfire ? so desperate that I tried to idealize the FALLING into of love, more than I idealized any object of the heat.
Let us say, for argument?s sake, that I was determined to RE-create the sensations ? without needing to be dependent on this long-ago boy. I might do what I did with him, with someone new. I might practice ? or obsess over ? staring at this new man?s face, memorizing his walk, watching his hands, studying his smile. I might try to throw myself head-long into the essence of him, to act and feel AS IF I adored him, hoping the feeling would come, dreaming that I could create it at will.
If I failed (and you know I did), I might try with someone else ? and I might cry and lament ?Why can?t I FEEL that way [email protected]? I might write letters to everyone I know and ask them for advice, ask them for the specifics of what THEY felt when they were the most desperately in love, and then try to adopt those stances myself.
I might beg others to reassure me that I was still capable of loving, and to say ?how long can someone GO without feeling those feelings?? and I might ask ?How do I know I CAN still feel it?? and I might spend every minute of every day thinking and crying about how I cannot feel it anymore.
I would then try to remember as clearly as possible exactly how that felt to be in love - and I would HOLD tight to the memories, trying to decipher each feeling, each shred of a memory into pieces, to better understand it so I could recreate it.
And I'd try to invoke it, again and again....I'd gaze at someone, trying to will myself into the feelings - trying to PUSH my heart into the stranger's soul, trying to PUSH my eyes onto his skin - trying to understand WHAT it WAS that made the sight of my beloved boy's smile make my heart flutter.
And in the process, I forget to do the one thing that might actually work. I fail to go out into the world and let myself encounter people ? let myself experience SOMEthing with people ? again and again ? and then, just maybe, the state of being in love will come over me.
I cannot force it. I cannot PICK some fellow and MAKE myself do all the right ?In love? things to bully my mind and heart into falling. I cannot figure it out, with a drawing board and notes, and then apply what I learned and expect to activate the madness of love.
ALL I can DO is live. And if I live enough, and experience enough, and make myself available enough ? we all know that I will feel it again.
But we cannot predict where, or who. We cannot say ?this was the first boy she loved, so we have to advise her to look for someone just like that?? We cannot predict where, or who.
Live.
DO something.
And keep doing it. Or do something else. But keep doing.
And that is how your sense of being alive and of being a person will return. You can no more access your Self by obsessing over it than you could force yourself to fall in love at will.
Stop trying to force it. It is NOT going to work, guys.
Live.
Later, let us say for the sake of argument, I might have tried to fall in love with someone else. Nobody in particular, but let?s say I was desperate to FEEL that feeling again ? that dizzying cloud of insanity and wildfire ? so desperate that I tried to idealize the FALLING into of love, more than I idealized any object of the heat.
Let us say, for argument?s sake, that I was determined to RE-create the sensations ? without needing to be dependent on this long-ago boy. I might do what I did with him, with someone new. I might practice ? or obsess over ? staring at this new man?s face, memorizing his walk, watching his hands, studying his smile. I might try to throw myself head-long into the essence of him, to act and feel AS IF I adored him, hoping the feeling would come, dreaming that I could create it at will.
If I failed (and you know I did), I might try with someone else ? and I might cry and lament ?Why can?t I FEEL that way [email protected]? I might write letters to everyone I know and ask them for advice, ask them for the specifics of what THEY felt when they were the most desperately in love, and then try to adopt those stances myself.
I might beg others to reassure me that I was still capable of loving, and to say ?how long can someone GO without feeling those feelings?? and I might ask ?How do I know I CAN still feel it?? and I might spend every minute of every day thinking and crying about how I cannot feel it anymore.
I would then try to remember as clearly as possible exactly how that felt to be in love - and I would HOLD tight to the memories, trying to decipher each feeling, each shred of a memory into pieces, to better understand it so I could recreate it.
And I'd try to invoke it, again and again....I'd gaze at someone, trying to will myself into the feelings - trying to PUSH my heart into the stranger's soul, trying to PUSH my eyes onto his skin - trying to understand WHAT it WAS that made the sight of my beloved boy's smile make my heart flutter.
And in the process, I forget to do the one thing that might actually work. I fail to go out into the world and let myself encounter people ? let myself experience SOMEthing with people ? again and again ? and then, just maybe, the state of being in love will come over me.
I cannot force it. I cannot PICK some fellow and MAKE myself do all the right ?In love? things to bully my mind and heart into falling. I cannot figure it out, with a drawing board and notes, and then apply what I learned and expect to activate the madness of love.
ALL I can DO is live. And if I live enough, and experience enough, and make myself available enough ? we all know that I will feel it again.
But we cannot predict where, or who. We cannot say ?this was the first boy she loved, so we have to advise her to look for someone just like that?? We cannot predict where, or who.
Live.
DO something.
And keep doing it. Or do something else. But keep doing.
And that is how your sense of being alive and of being a person will return. You can no more access your Self by obsessing over it than you could force yourself to fall in love at will.
Stop trying to force it. It is NOT going to work, guys.
Live.
