[jft]

Just spent an hour reading over old notes, journals, letters, symptoms lists, and a few college papers I wrote after onset of dp/dr. I tried very hard to understand my dilemna at a time when there was no understanding or treatment of it. Maybe that is why it has lasted long for me. Yu folks now have more knowledge, treatments, therapies, web sites, meds and research available now. I am glad for this. Maybe this means you can nip it earlier than I could.

I write this post becasue in comparing my symptoms from those years compared to now is like night and day. I still suffer alot, mostly dr (lights, spaciness, fatigue etc.). But back then I was a basket case. I wrote entry after entry (first entry was that "I do not feel real and I am aliented") about strong dp, of not knowing myself, of not being able to express myself, of not being able to communicate. My fears were intense with all kinds of worries and panics. What struck me most was my repeated reference to my awareness of myself, of my hypervigalence, how I could not get out of my head. My pure obsessiveness and worry about little things seemed insurmountable. And on and on.

Most of this is gone for me now. It can rear its ugly head now and then, but for the most part I get on fairly well. I did alot of work in therapy over the years and have tried to push on. I am not sure if this is what helped me out of this or if I jsut grew out of it or if this stuff jsut fizzles out. What I am saying is that I relate very well to you folks that are intensely feeling these things, but can relate only in memory for the most part. And that is good news.
For me and you. It will wane for you as well, I will bet my ice auger on it. And who knows, maybe with all this good stuff going on in the medical community we will all even have a much better crack at it than I did initially. Nothing like nipping the in the bud
jft

 

[enigma]

I'm glad you're much better now,jft.
Me, I can read old diary entries from when I was 17 (over 25 years ago) and the feelings I described then seem just as applicable to right now.

 

[jft]

Hey Enigma. Sorry yours has no waned. I owe you my ice auger.

I have asked myself many times if I just got used to it, or maybe lifes disractions allowed me respite from it. But upon reading those notes last night I know for sure the intensity of dp and the frequency of intensity is gone. I still have the dp, but not as intense. And I do not know why. I get naild hard by the dr and this slips into dp when it does get bad. So it still is very familiar, but not kick ass when it started at age 19.

How did yours get going? It is so tough dealing with chronicity. Anyway, thanks for the reply.
jft

 

[enigma]

Not much use for an ice auger down here in Texas! (And hate to be a male version of that 'Debbie Downer' character on SNL. :roll: )
I guess I began experiencing DP/DR episodically when I was around 13. First noticed I felt that way all the time when I was 16. First started worrying about it when I was 17 (it seemed such a simple problem that I wasn't too concerned about it initially,because I figured if it didn't just go away by itself,surely there were remedies. Du-oh!).
Never did drugs (just prescription crap from a shrink that used to leave me feeling utterly zapped).
But I did drink lots of beer on hunting and fishing trips with my uncle (made me feel like a big man). And, of course,recent research has revealed that this can have a damaging effect on the (still developing) adolescent brain.
Additionally I used to stay up all night on weekends (not partying,just drinking cokes and watching television). This would always leave me real DP'd (but I didn't worry about it at that time,because it was always only temporary. Nobody ever told me that it could stick like that ).
That plus I had tons of social anxiety in school.
I imagine any one of these things could have caused it all by itself. But all of them together (the psych meds,alcohol/tobacco,poor sleep hygiene,teen angst) acted as a witches brew of ingredients that made for a perfect storm for the development of DP.
It was from a PhD that I first heard the word 'depersonalization' at age 18 (a Texas Rehab psychologist). I guess my shrink never said the 'D' word because he was afraid that if I had a name to go along with the feelings I was trying to describe to him he might get sued (he'd been prescribing me junk since I was thirteen that wasn't FDA approved for anyone under eighteen). I did think of suing him a couple of years ago (I figured,if he put me into this state where I'm so wasted and unemployable,he should have to support me now). But then they passed that damn prop 12 (limiting damages a plaintiff can seek in a medical malpractice suit in Texas). I think he knew what I had because once he said to me "I've got bad news for you,it isn't just going to go away". How he could have stated this with such confidence without knowing what the it in question was I have no idea.
In any event, I still think the psychotropics were just one factor in the DP onset (although I could be entirely wrong).
Sorry this got so long. Guess it really belongs in DP Stories (Maybe I could cut and paste it there).
I'm kind of disappointed that at the start of the 21st century,they're really only beginning to look into DP (confirmed the suspicion I was walking around with as a kid that nobody was even looking for a cure for what I was suffering with). But still,it's great that they finally are. Though I'm not extremely optimistic that I will live to see a cure. But all you younger people here have a lot more to be hopeful about than I did at your age.
At least I can come to places like this where people can understand,and that's something (which is always better that nothing! ).
Anyhow,happy to be here (be even happier if there ever comes a time when I don't have to be here). I'll try not to make anybody feel any crazier than they already do (I say feel ,of course,because no one here really is).
Regards,
enigma

 

[jft]

Thanks for the repy Enigma. It amazes me how many different ways we all got this, how many different paths were taken or given to us to get us to one destination. I am glad you found this baord. I am glad I found it too. Too bad there is no ice in Texas though. You would enjoy the fishing with your new auger.
jft