[1A]

Hello all,

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

I had a bit of a scare earlier. I was in a friend's basement when I came across loads and loads of old newspapers.

I have always wanted the October 28, 1994 newspaper from the city where I live, because that's the day my DP/DR started. 10.28.94 was the day I was taken to the ER for what I believed to be a heart attack (was told it was "only" a panic attack). Granted, I took the Vivarin which induced the attack the (late) night prior, but 10.28.94 is the official date of the actual trauma.

Well, the first newspaper in the pile was dated September 12, 2001. We all know what the front page was about that day. I lifted up a bunch of papers (maybe a dozen or so) and the next paper I stumbled across was... not kidding... the October 28, 1994 issue of the Toledo Blade (the paper here in Toledo).

I almost fainted. What are the odds?! The paper looked brand new and unread too. I asked my friend if I could keep the paper and he said, "sure, of course."

I flipped through the ad's and realized how much life and politics and business and and science and technology have changed since October 28, 1994.

For instance, there was a Best Buy advertisement which screamed on its front cover "buy a computer now and get an extra 4MB free!" 4MB?! "My goodness," I thought, "4MB?! They must be joking." Right now the average MP3 file is more than 4MB itself!

I'm going to spend some time later on flipping through the paper and I will close my eyes and focus really hard, imagining it being October 28, 1994 all over again, and in my mind I'm walking into, say, a 7-11 convenience store and being able to see that paper for sale. All of a sudden, it is October 28, 1994 all over again. I will not have lost a second of my life due to DP/DR and panic (but of course I already have lost time -- lots of time).

Please rate my crazy obsessive thinking. I would welcome very highly any comments from the wonderful folks here. Positive or negative comments are both welcomed, of course.

I realize I cannot turn back the clock but, at the same time, I'm trying to build a bridge between October 28, 1994 and the present. I believe I need to connect my past with my present. How does one go about resolving this sort of problem?

I would be most grateful for any recommendations you might have.

Thank you very much for listening and take good care.

Kind Regards,

Jeff

 

[1A]

I can't get over this damn date, 10.28.1994, for some reason. It's like my life (or at least reality as I knew it) STOPPED on OCTOBER 28, 1994.

Janine... Everyone ... --- thoughts, suggestions?!

Posted this on another thread too....

 

[Guest]

OKay...here is the deal. Yes, it's an intriguing obsession, but it's a trick of your mind.

It (sort of) makes sense that you'd be obsessed with the chunk of time between the onset of the dp and now....but what your mind is really doing is akin to a magic trick using smoke and mirrors.

The time you NEED to be looking at is not that timeframe at all, but the months BEFORE the onset.

That is where some interesting stuff resides...the thoughts/feelings, etc. that were burbling near the surface and that exploded during your vivarin-induced anxiety attack.

There is nothing magical about the day you took vivarin and there is nothign magical about the years your symptoms have lingered.

The key for finding out why this happened to you lies in the months before it started.

As long as your mind keeps this obsession/delusion about "I must have this newspaper" and "I must find out a way to reconcile the missing years, etc." that keeps you preoccupied and prevents you from looking at the overall defense system your mind had set up for most of your life = a defense system that collapsed under one panic attack.

One of the hardest things to treat is a delusion. And your current fascination with the date, etc. is going to be a challenge. It PULLS all your focus as if it holds some powerful Truth or Key. Lies of the mind.

Are you with a therapist? Somebody you can talk to and try to see past the games your mind is playing with you? Let me know...and hang in there.

Peace,
Janine

 

[1A]

OKay...here is the deal. Yes, it's an intriguing obsession, but it's a trick of your mind.

It (sort of) makes sense that you'd be obsessed with the chunk of time between the onset of the dp and now....but what your mind is really doing is akin to a magic trick using smoke and mirrors.

The time you NEED to be looking at is not that timeframe at all, but the months BEFORE the onset.

That is where some interesting stuff resides...the thoughts/feelings, etc. that were burbling near the surface and that exploded during your vivarin-induced anxiety attack.

There is nothing magical about the day you took vivarin and there is nothign magical about the years your symptoms have lingered.

The key for finding out why this happened to you lies in the months before it started.

As long as your mind keeps this obsession/delusion about "I must have this newspaper" and "I must find out a way to reconcile the missing years, etc." that keeps you preoccupied and prevents you from looking at the overall defense system your mind had set up for most of your life = a defense system that collapsed under one panic attack.

One of the hardest things to treat is a delusion. And your current fascination with the date, etc. is going to be a challenge. It PULLS all your focus as if it holds some powerful Truth or Key. Lies of the mind.

Are you with a therapist? Somebody you can talk to and try to see past the games your mind is playing with you? Let me know...and hang in there.

Peace,
Janine

Janine,

Thank you for taking the time to write all that out. I appreciate it.

As for the months leading up to the attack, I was somewhat nervous because I was in my large year of college. Also, there was a lot of pressure from my family to date and have a girlfriend. That previous July I turned down a date, just because I was afraid to go out on a date.

So, my whole life really, has been riddled with fear. I had a tough time in high school too. I never liked walking into a room where I didn't know the people and I had major butterflies before the first day of school. So much so that I was almost physically sick.

Are these the sorts of pre-DP/DR, pre-panic that you mean? I think they are.

I was always nervous and afraid as a child, of almost anything, but I never had any panic attacks when I was a child. I just was fearful a lot. So, you're saying that I might have been pre-disposed to this anyway, given what led up to the eventual panic attack?

What you said really makes a lot of sense. Thanks again.

Jeff

 

[rob]

Hello 1A

I once tried listening to all the music I had been into into during the months leading up to when my dp/dr started as a way of perhaps encouraging my mind to pick up its pre-dp thread ..

But listening to that old familiar music also made me remember that a lot of the GOOD TIME I thought I was having pre-dp was no more than a weak attempt to disguise the reality that my inner life had been a complete mess ..

Sometimes i feel I know myself a little better WITH the dp .. but I still don't like it

It's also worth remembering that there is no such thing as the past or the future and consequently there is nothing to build a bridge to

rob

 

[1A]

Rob,

Excellent comments! Thanks for sharing!

It is pretty pointless, what I've done to myself all these years. Getting unstuck is harder than I thought.

Jeff

 

[1A]

Are you with a therapist? Somebody you can talk to and try to see past the games your mind is playing with you? Let me know...and hang in there.

Peace,
Janine

Janine,

I have seen numerous therapists over the years. None really knew much about DP/DR. They wanted to keep doing CBT and while it helped somewhat, the relief was temporary. I think I was distracted and that's why, during the session, I felt some DP/DR relief.

Thanks again,

Jeff