Matt, I stole this post of yours from another thread (the one on "What Makes You Unhappy?") because it's a great example of something, and I wanted to use it here to make a point. HOPE you don't mind (I feel like you and I know each other well enough that you'll be okay with this, and hopefully even find it helpful yourself).For me, I believe the cause of my DP/DR, Depression, Anxiety etc is a general hatred for the world and the way it works. It's cliche but when I was young I had so many dreams, and I really believed the world was good. Now I feel like it was all lies... some major things that bother me:
1. Drugs and Alcohol- the fact that i'm slowly finding out that the majority of the world uses these two things. It's scary for me that there isn't true happiness in the world and that people are so bored that they use them in order to have fun. Unless you like the taste of alcohol and drink because of that, never to get drunk... then you are either escaping your problems, or have nothing better to do. How can the world be this consumed with boredom? The "fun" people have on these substances isn't even REAL! This one honestly crushes me... i'd have to say it affects me on a daily basis.
2.General Fakeness of People- Life is a popularity contest. Whether it be teenagers in high school, or people fighting for power in some company. People do what they can to get themselves ahead, they don't generally care about many other people. It's so easy for someone to just pretend they are your best friend, and it be a complete lie. On top of this, people act certain ways so people will like them.. no one is really themselves. No one says what they are really thinking, they say what is considered appropriate by our society.
3. The Lies- The fact that life is about going to high school so one can go to university so one can get a job and find money and happiness. This is completely unrealistic for the majority of society. I have worked my ass off to get to university and now I see it's utterly pointless. First of all, a University degree will land the majority of people NO WHERE, it's all just bullshit, and second of all... do I really want to work away four years at university so I can then work away two more at graduate school so i can then work 30 years of my life in a dead-end job so when im SIXTY and on my death bed i'll have money and "be happy".
We are fed "just get good marks in school and everything will be okay" our whole lives.. it doesn't work that way. Happiness is next to impossible in a capitalist society. Not to say that people don't find ways to be happy (heyy there's drugs and alcohol again... manufactured happiness... happiness in a bottle or a joint). But our society pushes happiness out of people.
No f--- wonder people end up with depression and anxiety and DP/DR.. we are born and fed delusions for our entire life.. and the majority of people who end up with depression are the ones that finally see through that into what this world is.
The worst part is, for most people the only cure is to go back to believing that.. to work their 9-5 monday to friday jobs and force themselves to be happy.. break open a bottle and get themselves as happy as possible as quick as possible on friday and saturdya nights.
I wish I could get away from this world.. I am always tempted to just pack a suitcase and leave.. go places i've never been .. enjoy life.. but when I say it to myself it feels every bit as delusional as this life here.. I can't really survive that way.... I really wish I could. Well now you've heard my rant on society... enjoy.
The points you make in your post are very well-articulated and make perfect sense. However, they make just so much "intellectual" sense that they make me suspicious, lol....
I believe you totally, I believe you sincerely think that what you describe is what really bothers you. BUT....what you're leaving out is the personal quality. There are all kinds of horrible "truths" about human nature that you could pick on to hate - you've chosen this particular set of truths, not because they are MORE true than others, but because they mean something to YOU personally.
The anger you feel, not at People in General who are like you describe, but at people in PARTICULAR (and at yourself) - that's where some of your symptoms are based.
You've got yourself stuck in rage - so relentlessly humiliated and infuriated that you "didn't see this sooner" or that you "fell for it" or that you WISH you could go back to a time of naivetee....it's you who you're hating, I suspect. Hating yourself for what you found out, hating yourself for knowing, for seeing more than you wanted to know.
You've probably also got rage at someone who lied to you, who painted you a lovely picture of a pretty little world, who misled you for their own reasons, who lured you in, seduced you with what you wanted to hear....and then did NOTHING to prepare you for eventual disappointment. But mostly I bet you hate yourself for falling for it.
You hate them and yourself MUCH more than you hate any bunch of strangers somewhere on a college campus who are happily deluded with their fantasies. You hate the people who matter - you and those you love. And you want to abandon the world (and yourself and those you love) out of rage = almost "going on strike" against your own disappointment. And you DID abandon the world - that's the dp.
If you can find a way to TALK about those kinds of very personal and deeply painful ideas....it will help you greatly. Your obsession with "what did I do today? did I have breakfast this morning? Who did I talk to after that? What exactly did i say?" etc....that obsession with recounting your every move and thought....is all connected to this rage you carry about the above mentioned stuff.
It's as if your obsession is a very bitter way of playing out "well, I'm never again going to do ANYthing on automatic pilot...I'll know what I think, and recall every single thing that was said and done, and I will be PREPARED for any new idea of notion that comes my way. NOBODY will ever fool me again..."
The obession feels like something you do to remind yourself that you're sane. But it's really more complicated than that. It's scratching an itch that has to do with this venom you feel for the times you were "happily not paying attention" and you got suckered into believing things that later disappointed you.
Make any sense?
Many of us here have excellent communication skills and we lament and condemn the Truths about life that we hate. But what most of us lack is the ability to talk about/deal with the very PERSONAL stuff we feel. We tend to "distance" our personal hurts and rages and put them into "things that are wrong with the world" statements. That's part of what dissociatives do, we keep ourselves out of the picture - and seem to be reporting only on what we observe to be true. The keys for undoing symptoms lie in dealing with how we personally feel about very petty things done to us, by us or about us....things that make us feel humiliated and helpless and things we know we need to just accept and move past, but that we REFUSE to accept and move past because we're so enraged at ourselves for being that hooked.
Most of us have battles that we lost long ago, and that we refuse to face. So we keep going back to an empty battleground and refilling our rifles, waiting and planning and mapping out reasons why we should win this round....but there are no enemy soldiers coming anymore. It's over. You lost that one.
You can see that, and move on and find other more interesting battles to fight and territorities to take and maps to plot and friends to make and kingdoms to dream of. Or you can keep getting up at dawn and crawling up the same lonely cold hill to wait all by yourself, armed with all the reasons why your enemy is bad and deserves to be defeated. But it's over. No one is there anymore but you.