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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Basically my panic attacks, agoraphobia and dp are coming back and getting worse every day as my move interstate approaches. I am deteriorating fast and positive thinking is disappearing fast.

These are the things I am freaking out about;
flying
crowds
public transport
not being able to flee to support people when I panic
being stuck in the middle of Melbourne in the middle of panic attack and not being able to race home
all this stress leading to heart attack....my left arm has been hurting for over a week now (aching and sharp pains all over from shouilders to fingers). Doctor says its "probably" not heart related....thanks.

I am freaking out. Am I making a big mistake here? I am quickly forgetting any positive reasons for wanting to move in the first place.

I don't know whether I should do this or not. I could use some help. I hate this. I feel trapped as usual. I HATE this.

Sh*t. :(
 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I know you a little, and my hunch is this: I don't think you're terrified of being in Melbourne. I think you're terrified of the process of change.

I think once you get there, these new horrors will subside.

What you're freaking about isn't Melbourne, it's the process of decision, of some "point of no return" - should I move? should I not move? when can I change my mind? When is it too late to change my mind?

Chill.

Move.

Let us know how you love your new city.

grins,
Janine
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi Janine,
Thanks for replying. I agree with you about fearing change. Ever since I was a kid I remember fearing things in advance and always expecting something bad to happen. I am still the same....more often than not I can't even put my finger on what I expect to happen...I just feel fear and I don't know why.

However...this thing with Melbourne is that fear of change and more. Currently I am a functioning agoraphobic. I am comfortable going out because at worst, I am only 10 minute drive from my house...where there is someone "safe" I can throw myself at. This lessens my anxiety and so I rarely freak out anymore. I have been kidding myself up to this point about my own recovery. My recovery is not really recovery at all. The missing ingredient is the ability to make myself feel safe WHEREVER I go. Instead i have made myself dependent on my parents for a feeling of safety. I have relied on this coping strategy for a long while now and stepping out of this false yet very real safety is going to be hard. I wonder if I m up for it. I know its so important that I break out of this sick jail I have created for myself...Im just so scared. :cry:
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Hi Monika,
A psychiatrist once told me that agoraphobia is a form of seperation anxiety.

It is terribly common for people with agoraphobia to be extra afraid when they make a move away from their perceived safety zone.
I recall a long time ago when I had to move to a town just down the road into my first new house that I was near hysterical with anxiety.

It was a bit rocky at first but I got passed it and settled in.

I've seen this happen to several people with agoraphobia.Moving is a big deal for them which is perfectly understandable considering the nature of the condition.
Moving away from your parents could cause anxiety for some people who may not even suffer with panics.
I can understand the reasons why you are scared.

Do you have a therapist or doctor who you can talk to about the move?

Try to take one day at a time.
Expect that not everything may run pefectly smoothly,it rarely does.
Read Claire Weekes for back up strategies.

I'm sure it will all work out even though it seems so huge right now.

All the best,keep checking in with us
Cheers Shelly :D
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Hi Shelly,
I agree with the seperation anxiety thing. I am not really getting in touch with the sad feelings associated with the impending loss of parents and friends. Instead it is manifesting itself as panic and anxiety. My psych told me that I was insecurely attached as a child due to my family dynamics and other circumstances. I guess some issues and hurts go deep. I suspect that when things happen to us when we're pre-verbal, it makes a dent that is not easily articulated but is imprinted as a bunch of feelings and fleeting images.

Thanks for your support. At least i can access this board from Melb. Take care.
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks Angela, I hope you are right. I hope everything will be alright because I really need to do this. I need my life back. I have been blessed with so many opportunities in life that so many people in the world don't have and I feel like its an act or ingratitude to waste it all behind the prison walls I have constructed in my mind. I know that these guil feelings are not Ok but I still feel them. I know its not my fault that I have this condition but I really need myself to be stronger than my fear. That's exactly how I feel, like Im in a boxing rink and its my fear versus my will to reclaim my life...having it out...every hour of every day. Its bloody exhausting.

Having just used this analogy I ask myself...what would it take for my empowered self to defeat the fear? So many things...hope, persistance, willingness to endure the pain, knowing my opponents weakness, knowing my own strengths and how to use them, believing that I do have a chance to beat this. Bloody hell, I don't even like boxing. Or maybe i shouldn't even waste time on this fight. Maybe I should be concentrating on the cause of fear and addressing some issues at this level eg. dealing with fear of change and seperation anxiety...maybe both. Definately both i think.
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Two things to remember:

1) part of you WANTS to depend on your parents for the rest of their lives. That's the hard thing to accept. Part of you wants independence. Part of you wants to stay a child forever. Trust me.

2) even when you're in the same town as your parents, there is absolutely NOTHING they can do to keep you 'sane.' If you run home in the middle of panic attack, it's still YOU who has to get yourself there. You are running towards a FEELING of safety. Knowing they are close by helps you to feel not alone, not unloved, not vulnerable. They are your "aces in the hole" but you never really USE them because you realize there is nothing whatsoever they can DO except comfort you and offer love.

They can offer the same comfort and love no matter where you live.

Part of you is probably on some level afraid that they will be ANGRY at you for "leaving them." It might feel like you are giving up a dependency that you'll never be able to regain should you choose. as if they would be thinking "hey, you lived alone for a year, Monika, stop acting like you can't live without us."

Just food for thought.

Peace,
Janine
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Janine,
Point one - agree
Point two - agree
Parents angry at me for leaving? They are signing up to a Witness Protection Program as we speak.

Back to point two, that is precisely why I must go to Melbourne. It will force me to NOT run to them every time I panic. By running to them, i am reinforcing to myself that I am helpless and I take away opportunity to learn to comfort MYSELF, to make myself feel safe. If and when I learn to do this, i will get on my knees and kiss the ground in gratitude. I want to be free. That is all that i want. I want to be free of irrational fear.
 

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Hi Monica,

Funny thing happened to me one time at a psych's office one day. We were talking about my fear of flying. Well, he was. He started giving me statistics about how you can be in a car wreck a gazillion times easier then a plane crash. I just looked at him and said, " For God's sake, of course I know that, my problem is irrational fear not lack of knowledge!".
Jez'...we all know they are irrational fears. It's just beating the thought in our head.

The only thing I can offer is to keep repeating something positive in your head everytime you think of a negative. I am afraid of Melborne. Nooo, I am not afraid of Melborne. This disorder makes me think I am afraid of Melborne. I will keep moving and going about my business. I am afraid of Melborne. No, I am not afraid. I am going to go in to that store and look around until I am not thinking this obsessive thought.

This has helped me in the past. Positive, self-feeding head talk. Might as well do this as the other, huh?

Congrats on the move and stay strong. What you just accomplished was a huge feat and you did it.

the best to you,
terri
 
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Actually I am afraid of Melbourne,the weather is shocking.
Monika, I think if you moved further north,say to Sydney or Qld you wouldn't feel afraid :lol:
I think it's fear of bad weather.After all you are used to the W.A. sunshine.

PS Terri,Americans give me a giggle when they say MelBORN.I think we say Melbin or Melben(lazy speak).

All the best Monika
Love Shell :D
 
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Actually I am afraid of Melbourne,the weather is shocking.
Monika, I think if you moved further north,say to Sydney or Qld you wouldn't feel afraid :lol:
I think it's fear of bad weather.After all you are used to the W.A. sunshine.

PS Terri,Americans give me a giggle when they say MelBORN.I think we say Melbin or Melben(lazy speak).

All the best Monika
Love Shell :D
 

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Dear Love Sell,

How did you know when I typed Melborne, I said Melborne in my head :shock: ?

You some kind of Aussie Psychic...which looks like Psy-chic? 8)

:lol:

Hope things continue to go well, Monika.

Bye, Love Sell. :p
terri
 

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Dear Love Sell,

How did you know when I typed Melborne, I said Melborne in my head :shock: ?

You some kind of Aussie Psychic...which looks like Psy-chic? 8)

:lol:

Hope things continue to go well, Monika.

Bye, Love Sell. :p
terri
 

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Oh yeah.

Monika...I can get myself so "worked-up" with anxiety that I can feel the full affects of a major heart attack. Got the whole arm thing down to a fine art. After many trips to the emergency room, my doctor's office, etc., and being hooked up to numerous ekg machines only to be told I was having an anxiety attack...I now consider myself to be one of the healthiest people on the planet. I have had every test at least once. I am just a whacked out, dr'd, perimenopausal, walking bundle of nerves, hypochondriac.

I am not having a heart attack.

If I do, I hope I live long enough to tell 'em...I told you I wasn't feeling good!

You are doing better than you think. Don't move to Qld. It's a town without any vowels, for God's sake! :lol:

terri
 

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Oh yeah.

Monika...I can get myself so "worked-up" with anxiety that I can feel the full affects of a major heart attack. Got the whole arm thing down to a fine art. After many trips to the emergency room, my doctor's office, etc., and being hooked up to numerous ekg machines only to be told I was having an anxiety attack...I now consider myself to be one of the healthiest people on the planet. I have had every test at least once. I am just a whacked out, dr'd, perimenopausal, walking bundle of nerves, hypochondriac.

I am not having a heart attack.

If I do, I hope I live long enough to tell 'em...I told you I wasn't feeling good!

You are doing better than you think. Don't move to Qld. It's a town without any vowels, for God's sake! :lol:

terri
 
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
LOL Terri,just call it a strong hunch.

Now I can hear you saying khaki in your head whilst I'm saying khaRki (the colour)

I'm right huh Monika :?:
As for Qld(the state) some like it hot

The arm thing,yes I've had it,shoulders,neck and side of face as well.

I've read about it so many times,always put it down to stress.Starting to get worried I'm under playing it.

I'm glad Bill Clinton didn't under play it.

Bye girls :)......... cheesy grin from Love Sell...........hmmm deeper meaning I wonder :roll:
 
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
LOL Terri,just call it a strong hunch.

Now I can hear you saying khaki in your head whilst I'm saying khaRki (the colour)

I'm right huh Monika :?:
As for Qld(the state) some like it hot

The arm thing,yes I've had it,shoulders,neck and side of face as well.

I've read about it so many times,always put it down to stress.Starting to get worried I'm under playing it.

I'm glad Bill Clinton didn't under play it.

Bye girls :)......... cheesy grin from Love Sell...........hmmm deeper meaning I wonder :roll:
 
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Dear Terri and Shelly,
LOL ...You two have just brightened up by whole day. By the way, I am taking you both with me to Melb...bring on the rain...bring on the humidity...bring on the frizz... :D
 
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Dear Terri and Shelly,
LOL ...You two have just brightened up by whole day. By the way, I am taking you both with me to Melb...bring on the rain...bring on the humidity...bring on the frizz... :D
 
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I can just see the three of us furry cuties sitting beside each other on the plane,shaking and dribbling.
I think we'd have a blast.
for some light relief,Terri can say MelBORNE and Khaki
:lol:
 
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