I hadn't suffered from death anxiety since the age of twenty-two, when I was put under for surgery.
Prior to then, I had suffered with it accutely, and it was the source of many a panic attack.
But when I was anesthetized for an operation, it was like zero time had passed from the time I went under to the time I awoke in post-op.
I realized that this was due to the fact that my brain had not been recording time during this interval.
The rest of the history of the universe could have transpired while I was in this state and I would not have felt it.
It then occurred to me that this must be what death is like.
Not eternal blackness, no pain.
Just timeless nothing.
From that time forward I no longer felt afraid of death.
It didn't seem like something that needed to be feared at all.
Then last night something strange happened.
I was lying in the tub when for some reason my thoughts turned to death, and the feeling suddenly hit me: this is really going to happen.
For the moment I was petrified.
So now I'm wondering: can I really remain so relaxed and casual about the notion of death as I have been since I was a young man, or am I going to be hit with stark primal terror every time I let myself think about it from now on? (As it had been before I had surgery.)
Why the sudden pang of death anxiety after so many years of freedom from that one particular source of dread?
Is it going to happen again?
This is all I need.
e
Prior to then, I had suffered with it accutely, and it was the source of many a panic attack.
But when I was anesthetized for an operation, it was like zero time had passed from the time I went under to the time I awoke in post-op.
I realized that this was due to the fact that my brain had not been recording time during this interval.
The rest of the history of the universe could have transpired while I was in this state and I would not have felt it.
It then occurred to me that this must be what death is like.
Not eternal blackness, no pain.
Just timeless nothing.
From that time forward I no longer felt afraid of death.
It didn't seem like something that needed to be feared at all.
Then last night something strange happened.
I was lying in the tub when for some reason my thoughts turned to death, and the feeling suddenly hit me: this is really going to happen.
For the moment I was petrified.
So now I'm wondering: can I really remain so relaxed and casual about the notion of death as I have been since I was a young man, or am I going to be hit with stark primal terror every time I let myself think about it from now on? (As it had been before I had surgery.)
Why the sudden pang of death anxiety after so many years of freedom from that one particular source of dread?
Is it going to happen again?
This is all I need.
e
