[Liv]

Hi,

I think I've accidentally, in my efforts to control and understand DP, created a horrible habit in my brain. That now is kind of ruining me, worse than my original symtoms.

In the beginning, even though my symtoms were scary, I found ways to cope and sooth them. It could be affirmations, reminding myself about certain goals or memories, daydreaming etc. Sometimes I even found myself to be entirely free of symtoms when I did these things.

Since I was constantly fearing going back to DP states of mind, I started taking notes of what triggered the good states. How they felt like in detail, what elements they had. I started overanalysing my mind in order to understand it, thinking that's how I'll be able to re-create the states I wanted to be in. So, I became hyper aware of my thoughts. Something that, paradoxically, just made it harder to reach the good states.

How?

When my mind started drifting into the thought patterns that would ultimately bring me to a good state, I was too aware of it - and therefore interrupted the process.

So, I started fearing my own mind's ability to self destruct. I asked myself "what if I'll keep accidentally interrupt my brain every time it tries to do it's job? What if I will force my brain to get that blank mind some experience?"

This fear obviously only made me more aware, and it became a ocd-trap. I became scared of actively thinking, scared of standing in the way of my brain. No longer understanding the difference between awareness and thinking. Scared of trying to put myself in those good states that usually was my ticket out of DP - because "what if my stupid ocd-interruption would ruin the process?"

My mind is today so awfully blank. Hyperaware of the utter nothingsness in my conscious experience.

I have no streamline of thoughts, everything is fragmented and I get no deep understanding of anything. I get glimpses of information/deep understanding sometimes, but the interruption "robs" me of the thought before I get a hold of it.

It's now just an automatic process. I've accidentally programmed my mind to not allow itself to properly think. A glorious add on to the bliss of regular dp.

Has anyone experienced this? Or at least understand it on some level that I can't, and know how I'll get the hell out of the prison I so kindly created for myself.

And, last question before I stop rambling: is Bupropion a good or bad idea for these symtoms?


Lots of love to you fighters out there. I know this sucks. If I get out of this I will dedicate my life to get us all better.

 

[coolwhip27]

Had to logon to tell you how insightful of a post this is. I HAVE experienced that, to a T. As my thoughts enter a calmer dimension, the awareness of it happening roars up inside and kills the process. But this is tricky, because then again- isn’t that just another thought ? Thank you for this post. Bless you. Understanding the problem is how you get rid of it

Sometimes I feel like I get glimpses of clarity within but as soon as I recognize it it’s gone. So yeah… you aren’t alone. I struggle with this very thing and have for a decade. It’s as if fear has taken over. My mind knows it can self destruct too so it makes it that much harder to not think all the wrong things

Ever since I’ve had pure o ocd (intrusive thought) my reality has been screwed. I don’t want it to be like this forever. I also have so much anxiety, like reading this was really exciting, so it’s hard for me to take the time to write something...