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Obsessive thinking

993 Views 6 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Scattered
Yesterday, I had gone shopping with my mom and daughter. The entire time I was there, I had to keep reassuring myself that yes in fact I am truly there. Where the hell do these crazy thoughts come from. The thought of even being real can scare the living day lights out of me on somedays. Is this truly DP/DR. Is the way a lot of you guys think and feel. Any response is truly appreciated.
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This is the way I feel today. I've been "normal" for a few days and now, all of a sudden, I don't exist. Where am I? Why am I? How am I? The same ridiculous questions take a hold of me and I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know anyone, in my life, that TRULY understands this. I don't understand this. I feel so ashamed for the things I did and shouldn't have done as well of the things I didn't do but should have participated in.

I chose to relinquish my life so I could be a spectator. I chose to create in myself a false sense of superiority so I wouldn't have to deal with people. Now all I want is one person to walk up to me and understand. I want some sort of guarantee that this is not going to last. I want to feel real and connected to my emotions and memories.
I don't understand how I can go from having very mild DP to all of a sudden having an episode that puts me more at a moderate to severe level of DP. I felt normal for weeks, I have one bad night and episode of DP and all of a sudden I'm sort of stuck feeling like I don't exist.

My anxiety has been fairly low also and now because DP is more at a constant level I feel a sense of being one edge all the time. Last night I broke down and just started crying. I felt so disconnected from myself and my environment and so completely scared that all I could do was sit down and sob. I do have an unreasonable fear of psychosis. However, even if that possibility is extremely remote, the state I am in now is no way to live. I fear that if I stay this way too long I'll never be able to get back to how I was before. A mild level of DP is fine with me, but constant self monitoring and obsessing over my psychological states is getting to be very scary.
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