Obsessive thinking

This is the way I feel today. I've been "normal" for a few days and now, all of a sudden, I don't exist. Where am I? Why am I? How am I? The same ridiculous questions take a hold of me and I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know anyone, in my life, that TRULY understands this. I don't understand this. I feel so ashamed for the things I did and shouldn't have done as well of the things I didn't do but should have participated in.

I chose to relinquish my life so I could be a spectator. I chose to create in myself a false sense of superiority so I wouldn't have to deal with people. Now all I want is one person to walk up to me and understand. I want some sort of guarantee that this is not going to last. I want to feel real and connected to my emotions and memories.

I don't understand how I can go from having very mild DP to all of a sudden having an episode that puts me more at a moderate to severe level of DP. I felt normal for weeks, I have one bad night and episode of DP and all of a sudden I'm sort of stuck feeling like I don't exist.

My anxiety has been fairly low also and now because DP is more at a constant level I feel a sense of being one edge all the time. Last night I broke down and just started crying. I felt so disconnected from myself and my environment and so completely scared that all I could do was sit down and sob. I do have an unreasonable fear of psychosis. However, even if that possibility is extremely remote, the state I am in now is no way to live. I fear that if I stay this way too long I'll never be able to get back to how I was before. A mild level of DP is fine with me, but constant self monitoring and obsessing over my psychological states is getting to be very scary.