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After eight years of ruminating I finally have a word for my problem: Depersonalization. And somehow that labelling casts a light on something that for many years eluded me. For many years I believed I had a problem, a problem that was unique to me, that no one else could understand it, or me. But one day the ruminating lead me to the world of the internet, and then I saw how universal this problem is. This problem is not unique - yes, your story and your path to it is, but it is actually a part of the human condition, experienced by many in varying degrees.
I have often asked what part does my physiology play in this condition? What part is social? And what part is played by the perculariaties of life, especially life today? Can it really be described as a disorder? Can anything within the physical laws of cause and effect be described as a disorder? Why is it that sometimes it abhors me and others it is my closest friend, giving me another world into which I can escape? Why does it draw me into the world of questions? Is there indeed, as many ask, a higher purpose to all of this, or is it 'the filth'?
I may never answer all or even any of these questions. I may be with this condition forever, though it may pass with age, as is also common. Either way, I am less fearful then I was those many years ago. I am ready to look it in the face.
My documenting of this may be in vain, but vanity seems not to be a terrible thing to me these days. So here is my contribution - in which I hope to document some of my experiences and maybe fathom something more of this condition. Small insights which appear to me like shafts of light scattered across the ocean, maybe one day will become a complete beam.
Maybe one day it will all make sense, everything will be connected, and there will be peace.
