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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
everyday i wake up i ask myself what i am doing in life, why i am alive, the usual stuff. dp just gets me so angry and frustrated, tired and upset, i dont even fight it anymore. I managed to get by better before when i felt i had something to slog through each day for. i used to be an optimistic person, but my past experiences with numerous people have destroyed my confidence in myself and others. when you have nothing to live for, why is it that you keep living? i used to delude myself into thinking all will 'work out in the end', the famous 'happy ending' promoted by hollywood would manifest itself somehow in my life. i used to believe that there would be someone out in the world who would help me through, someone like me (not dpwise). i used to think that. but now i dont. i dont like being negative, rather just realistic. as i said, given my past experiences, basically everything and everyone i have ever known amounts to nothing, and so i tell myself that much of what caused my current state would not improve, and that realistically i would not get better, and that i get to live in a paradox. fun fun fun. it just wears me out. i'm tired of telling myself that all i ever wanted will come my way, because it hasnt yet, and i know that sounds naive and stupid, but if you knew me you would agree. i already know how my future is going to be and consequently i know i will never get what i truly desire. i really cant see a a point to it all. sorry to take up time and all
 

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I feell the same way. I only get up in the morning to take care of my daughter and get her ready for school. I have to then force myself to stay up (which usually I go back to bed....insomnia, so I don't get much sleep) But then I get up again to go to school. I know I have to go to school to get my degree but sometimes I feel like why should I? What is it really gonna get me in life? My husband doesn't help either. He doesn't understand why I sleep alot. I have to stop the bluriness, and the confusion. That's why, plus I can't sleep when everyone else is sleeping.
I was in the hospital for a week back in May of this year. I felt so much better in there. There where people I could talk to that understood, but I get out and nothing has changed. I try and make changes to better my life but they never seem to work out. I see a therepist, a pschcytrist and still nothing. I loose friends, my family thinks I am a freak and my husband yells at me all the time for any little thing he can. When I have my attacks, he goes on like there is nothing wrong. I still have to put my daughter to bed...showers and reading books, songs, ect.... and then get myself to bed and it's soooo hard.
I know that I am blubering on and on... I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one out there. I feel that life is just a waste. I have felt that way for several years now, and so far nothing has worked. I have no insurance for me to get medical trement if I even wanted it. My doctors luckly just take what I can pay at the time.
I'll shut up now....Just know I am always here to talk. I do talk alot. :D
 

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Your husband seems like a real winner (/sarcasm)

I think he's probably part of the problem.
 

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hi Shazada,

I understand how you are feeling right now coz i felt like this for a long time too. Even now i still find it difficult to get through each day. However from my experience with dp i realised that the only person who can help me is myself and if i lose faith in myself then why should anyone else help. I too thought that things would always work out in life but the truth is that i had to put in a lot of effort to achieve those things. I still have constant DP/DR 24/7 and i am trying my best to do everything i can to get rid of it. I know it is the most difficult thing to do anything while having dp but you have to try or you will never get better. I dont know if you are seeing any docs or on med, but keep trying to find the best thing that suits you. Life IS worth living.. and i am determined to get my life back but it wont come without any effort. Dont think that you will never get better because IT IS possible. There have been many postive stories on this board of people who have recovered fully from dp. I wish you well jonathan. Try to find some goals, even if they are small, keep tryin different things.

Misty,

i found dp really difficult when my bf didnt understand but eventually i had to sit down and explain to him exactly what was wrong with me and how it was affecting me. He is now more understanding, although it is frustrating for him. I feel maybe you should try speaking to your husband. If he is still giving you a hard time then only you can decide if you are willing to put up with it. It could also be creating more anxiety and negetive feelings which might be making your dp worse. Look after YOURSELF misty. I hope things will work out for you.
 

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Thank you for your concern. I know that my husband is a lot of the problem. He is like raising a five year old. He does work now, after 6 months so that has helped the last few weeks. I tried and have a talk with him, but he still doesn't understand. And the best part is that is Bipolar and ADHD. So it's really hard around here. He's not like most guys. He plays video games any chance he gets, barley helps around the house and wants a reward when he does. But the last week, besides the video games (Halo 2.....seems to be a big hit) he has helped out. But when I have my attacks he just lets me be alone. I don't know if anyone else feels this way but I need help. I didn't mean to make this thread about me. Sorry. but I just feel the excat way as Shazada. If think to myself everyday...would my daughter be better off with out me in life, who would miss me...stuff like that. I know my daughter needs me. I know she would miss me. That's why I'm still around. To be a good mother. I know I have to change myself. I'm trying to work on that, while trying to be a good mother.
 
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Jonathan,
I know when you reach your darkest moment in the pit of despair, its difficult to see the point in life. When I was there it was difficult to find solice in any words or activities. Therefore I will say this, there is only hope. Hope is what keeps us all going. Don't allow yourself to lose that. Hope gets loosely thrown around but I think its an entirely individual thing. For me hope resides in the desire to fight and get better. I fight a daily war on my problems and consider myself as a soldier. Another piece of my hope is my spiritual quest - "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" - but hope keeps me going on that quest. I read books on scientific principles, buddhism, philosophy etc...I "hope" that my personal quest will help me find purpose in the Universe. I also try to give and make an impact on the world by doing small things - smiling at strangers, helping someone with something heavy a compliment etc... I hope that one day my psyche will repair itself fully and I can give much more to the world. This provides me some hope as well!!! The hope that I'll one day be able to fully contribute to society in the way that I want.

I know right now these words might not ring true because of the emotions you feel but I hope you can, perhaps, find your own personal "hope" gameplan. I'm nowhere near attaining my goals - I fight depression, anxiety and of course DP/DR on a daily basis and often feel totally crappy so I can relate to how you feel because I've felt much worse than I do now.

Feel free to let me know if there is anything I can do to further communicate how I've been able to pull myself out of that same place you are right now. I'm sure there are many people on this board that have felt like you. We're here for you. :?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
thankyou for your replies everbody, and for your time.
Though it is somewhat consoling knowing others feel the same, I am sorry that you all have had to feel such bleakness as well. Thankyou as well murman and misty for your invitaions, and likewise, if you or anyone needs to talk, i will always be floating around somewhere.
Everyone has a different story to tell, and hopefullly we can all benefit by relating them.
Thankyou murman, misty and tori, i value all your comments, and hope that though you feel down all the time, that you keep living too. :)
 

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An open letter to all of you above and all those who have passing, depressive thoughts of maybe "not being around".

I went to a funeral for an 18 year old beautiful, intelligent girl today. She had lost her way and her sense of hope for the future. She made the horrible decision to end her time here. To see her family barely able to move, the light gone from their eyes and their hearts, her friends inconsoleably weeping without shame was more than we all should have had to bare.

There is always hope. There is always one person who will not be able to stand the thoughts of their life without you in it.

During your darkest moments please, please, please remember there is hope and you can endure.

Writing this witht the heaviest heart I have had in years.
Sincerely,
terri
 

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Misty it seems like your husband is a BIG part of the problem. It seems (to me), that becoming independent of him would make you feel a lot better about yourself, if this is possible. Since he obviously doesn't work hard, you will probably not be strapped for cash (which i'm sure he's spending on video games anyway). God this guy pisses me off.

I'm not telling you to do anything...just keep in mind your source of grief...also I wonder if you feel like if you tried to leave would he threaten you with "you'll be nothing without me"? or anything like that?
 

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I don't think that he would threaten me like that. He just acts like the lost puppy and I am sooo sensitive that I fall for it. I know I have to be strong, but I am the peace maker, I hate conflict, and I cry if someone yells at me. I am such a sensitive person. He knows this and plays with it. He also reads my emails and goes through my phone....he has probley even read this thread. I'm just scard around him....not because of getting beat up, but the yelling, the blaming, the whole thing. I can't handle that. I even stress about it before it even happens. I've been that way since I was 9, after my dad got remarried.
 

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It's never going to be different.

You HAVE to learn to face conflict, eventually. And it won't be as bad as you think. You just grew up in a household with people so neurotic that they have made you believe that EVERYBODY is that bad in conflict. But you're surrounded by adults now. You don't have to worry about getting grounded if someone decides to be a jerk and gets mad at you. Get mad, state your opinion, be mad, and yes you will feel some anxiety and terror with it but the more you express yourself eventually you get to a FAR better place. And you will like yourself more and feel you are capable of more.

I suggest you go to some sort of therapy where you can talk to someone...about the happenings in your past and how they influence the way you operate now...to learn to be more assertive...to learn that you are actually being INCREDIBLY self-destructive when you put conflict-avoidance above all else. You may THINK you're protecting yourself because "no conflict" sounds like peace, but you are actually doing some SERIOUS damage to yourself and I think this has a lot to do with your DP.

Think about it.
 

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Also, by letting your husband walk all over you, you are causing massive destruction to his life. You are letting him have his way as a child would, and that is bad for him psychologically as well. You HAVE to put yourself first. You damage yourself and those around you if you don't. And you should learn to buy into guilt less. In fact..as little as possible!

I found an old book in the library at Tulsa community college, and it's called "Don't Stop Now, You're Killing Me"...I would look for that title if i were you...it's about how we are masochists even if we don't mean it..."Everyday masochists", he calls it. Sometimes when you think you're being sensitive and caring to your husband you're actually stabbing yourself in the back. When you think you are caring and listening, you're actually trying to control a situation around you that you think needs to be constantly controlled and suppressed. When you are always sensitive to his needs rather than yours, you are actually doing a mental equivalent of slicing your arms up.

I have the book somewhere in my house...i need to return it to the library...if you can't find it on amazon or someting (i really recommend you buy a copy for yourself...you might learn some things in it)...then, if you ever happen to be in Tulsa, stop by TCC's Southeast Campus Library (81st and hwy 169...i dunno if you go to tulsa or not but if you do it should be there by the end of the semester :)) and pick it up!
 

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I do go to a therpist about once every two weeks. I know I need to confront my husband but something is holding me back. But I will eventually either blow up at him and let it all out or just one day pack my sh** and leave with my daughter. I know it has a lot to do with my DP and my depression, I have just lived this way for such a long time I don't know how to change. But I am working on it in Therepy.
Thanks for the concern :wink:
 
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