Depersonalization Support Forum banner
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
670 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm slipping far down again. I'm tired of this and I feel so hopeless. I can see myself doing things that I know will only make me worse and I cant get myself to even care. My phone rings and Im not picking up. Im staying in bed all the time, I dont eat, the little bit of exercise I was doing has stopped. When I know I have to be around someone I pretend to be busy and happy as I know making them miserable makes things even harder on me. I muffle the crying at night.. my families patience with me is wearing thin, and it makes me feel so alone. Sorry for this post, but I need somewhere to reach out. I just need someone to know that Im hurting (even if it is through the internet). I know Ive just got to hang in there.. but to and for what....
 
G

·
rainboteers,

i feel your pain... i slip far down...i get tired too...i like your post...it's raw..your hurting NOW...my thoughts go out to you...your not alone...and even if it's over the internet well so be it...i like your last sentiment about "knowing you have to be there..but to who and what for?. ok you have your wish you reached out. if you'd like to correspond i'm here..let's talk..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
224 Posts
Hi, R.T.,

I looked at your old posts to see how long you've had DP and what you've tried to get rid of it. You mentioned that Xanax helped a lot but that you were staying away from it because of its addiction potential. My case may not be typical, but I've taken 3 Xanax almost every day of my life since 1986. After years of trying all sorts of miserable crap, it was the first thing that helped my DP at all. I've never had to increase the dosage; in fact, I cut down by 50% a few years ago without any withdrawl or worsening of DP. If I don't take any at all, the DP comes back full force. I thought that might be because of withdrawl, so I recently forced myself to lay off for two weeks. Day 1, DP as usual. Day 2, same thing; no worse, no better than the day before. Day 3, same thing. That was the case for the entire two weeks - every day sucked equally. That should have been more than enough time for withdrawl to run its course. So much for drug dependance. Maybe I'm defying all the laws of medicine, maybe I'm somehow fooling myself (any thoughts on that, Homeskooled?), but .25 mg of Xanax has consistantly been enough to make life tolerable for a long, long time. If it turns out that you are in fact tolerance-prone, one "drug holiday" a week and you should be OK. Besides (and someone will probably tear into me for saying this), there are worse things than drug dependance. DP is one of them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
670 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you for the replies... I appreciate you reaching back to me, means more than you could know. If this doesnt ease up soon I have already considered running back to the dr. to get back on the xanax. I didnt expect things to get this bad again.. Im back to where I started from :cry:
 

·
Former Moderator
Joined
·
1,273 Posts
Sorry to hear you're feeling this way rainboteers. Might i suggest though, that you force yourself to do these things. You know as well as i do that it's just making things worse and that the inaction and the constant brooding is what perpetuates the fear/anxiety cycle. Take a little time off to "relax" if you must...but jump right back on the horse with as much alacrity as you can muster and engage yourself...nay, immerse yourself in the day-to-day real life activities that you're avoiding right now.

Hope you feel better soon, and i'm sure you will...

s.
 

·
Former Moderator
Joined
·
1,273 Posts
rainboteers said:
Thank you for the replies... I appreciate you reaching back to me, means more than you could know. If this doesnt ease up soon I have already considered running back to the dr. to get back on the xanax. I didnt expect things to get this bad again.. Im back to where I started from :cry:
One more thing. I think that's a bad idea. I really do. I know a lot of people disagree with this, but for dp (or at least my variation of it, which i assume most of you are afflicted with), i really don't think drugs are the way to go. Fight through it and engage yourself in reality RT. I know that sounds impossible but what's happening to you now is that you're allowing the fear and anxiety to snowball and perpetuate itself. The fears you harbour will never actually materialize of course, but they're putting your mind in a state where you don't trust yourself and your ability to deal with them. I know this sounds very Yoda-esque, and i fall victim to it's whims as well, but you have to let go of your fear. Let go altogether. Transcend.

If you're really feeling like you're off your head then go ahead and douse yourself in xanax. There's no shame in it. But i think you'll be stronger and feel better if you free yourself from this web of terror. In any case, we'll all be here for you, so good luck with whatever you decide.

s.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
224 Posts
After reading Sebastian's post, I realized that I should retract a little of what I said. I'd be cautious about using meds if I had intermittent DP, or if I had only had it for a few months; apparently in a lot of cases it will start to lose steam after a while and benzo's might tend to prolong it. My rant was more directed at people like me who get DP for no apparent reason and for whom it stick around for years and years and years (mine started when Jimmy Carter was president and "My Sharona" was the #1 record in the charts :shock: ). For lucky folks like me, meds, inadequate as they are, are really about all there is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,722 Posts
"jump right back on the horse with as much alacrity as you can muster and engage yourself"
Rainbow, My Dear! I fear for your safety at such an act as this ! :shock:

I have tried 5 times to post something and I keep getting interrupted. :?

So, yes to what everyone has said. You know ya got it to do, Girlie. Start off with those baby steps...pretend shopping works for me. Go, look and pretend you had the money. Anything, as everyone including yourself knows, to get out of YOU.

It is absolutely criminal how this disorder comes in waves and cycles. I believe in intermittant use of meds for someone like you. I mean you could take one and it be enough to break this current cycle. As you know, I am like Tom and daily medication has been my only answer. But, if I could get by with one here or there...or none at all if I could still have a quality of life...I would.

You're a smart Cookie. Do what works for you, but do get up and do it. :wink: ( I know, easier said than done, but we are your support system. So, if everyone will grab this end of the rope, we will now heave
Rainbow out of her funk. HEAVE HO ! )

Wishing you a better day.
terri
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,722 Posts
Oh, and p.s.

Is your family saying something or are you feeling guilty?

Don't let them be saying something. It'll bring out the ugly in me. :twisted:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
670 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
sebastian said:
I know that sounds impossible but what's happening to you now is that you're allowing the fear and anxiety to snowball and perpetuate itself. The fears you harbour will never actually materialize of course, but they're putting your mind in a state where you don't trust yourself and your ability to deal with them.
Thats pretty much it exactly. I have been telling people since this all began that it often feels as if I cant trust myself anymore to deal with things...

I think getting some xanax for the really bad nights might be a good idea. Just to know its there when the anxiety becomes unbearable would help. thanks for the support everyone, much much much appreciated right now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
526 Posts
Sorry to hear about your present misery, but like all things it is transient and it will ease, you know that.

Have you been to a psyche yet? You mentioned in one of your threads that you were planning to do so. Did that eventuate? If you haven't, it still may be a good idea to go.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Milan
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
670 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
terri* said:
Oh, and p.s.

Is your family saying something or are you feeling guilty?

Don't let them be saying something. It'll bring out the ugly in me. :twisted:
Oh come on terri there is no ugly in you to bring out, your to nice :wink:

and in answer to your question I suppose its a little of both. I know they dont understand and they need me to be okay for them. They care but when they know I am hurting I feel like they back away and want nothing to do with me. If Im a mess I have nothing to give and no worth. At least thats how I think they see me.... a worthless mess.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,722 Posts
Rainbow, it is too late tonight for me to give you a spanking about your thought process. But in the morning, you be waiting for me!

"A worthless mess"...I THINK NOT !!

( And ohhhh what an ugly side I have. When I step outside my passive/aggressive boundries...well Honey, I'm downright scarey. :shock: LOL )
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,079 Posts
rainboteers said:
I'm slipping far down again. I'm tired of this and I feel so hopeless. I can see myself doing things that I know will only make me worse and I cant get myself to even care. My phone rings and Im not picking up. Im staying in bed all the time, I dont eat, the little bit of exercise I was doing has stopped. When I know I have to be around someone I pretend to be busy and happy as I know making them miserable makes things even harder on me. I muffle the crying at night.. my families patience with me is wearing thin, and it makes me feel so alone. Sorry for this post, but I need somewhere to reach out. I just need someone to know that Im hurting (even if it is through the internet). I know Ive just got to hang in there.. but to and for what....
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I have been there and it is torture. I would say definitely get the xanax. Like you said just knowing it's there will help.

Please eat!!! I stopped eating too a few years back cuz I was just really down in the dumps... I think I stopped talking too for awhile. I was like a zombie. My mom sent me to the mental hospital and they said I'd better start eating or they'd stick a tube in me. So I ate, and I felt a little better.

Sorry, I'm out of it today. I just wanted to let you know I feel for you and I hope you feel better soon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
94 Posts
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this Rainboteers. Like people have said, just remember that it will pass in time. It could be sooner than you think.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
670 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
terri* said:
Rainbow, it is too late tonight for me to give you a spanking about your thought process. But in the morning, you be waiting for me!
Yikes :shock:

Im doing a tiny bit better, thanks all for the support. Made myself get out and stay busy today. It does make it more bearable, but Im still in a very dark place. :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,722 Posts
"..., but Im still in a very dark place. :( "

It seems you've got your nightlight on, so go ahead now and turn on
the light. :wink:

Anytime we turn that absolute darkest of corners, we are able to see some light ahead. Do one more thing that's really outside yourself and bring yourself on out.

No spankings for you.

I'm thinking of you, Rainbow.
terri
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Top