I dont know anything now. I cant tell what i feel, i dont know what ive decided. I cant tell if im suicidal or not. I was trying so hard to feel positive but for what? I cant tell if ive found meaning. I dont even know what i am doing anymore. I dont even think finding meaning means anything either now. I think its all meaningless. Why should i find meaning? Why should i live? Why should anything live? Theres no reason behind it all, its just an experiance. I dont want to exist anymore. Why should i? I and everything else is just nothing at all. Im never going to think differently. I may end up killing myself at some point. I dont even know what im fighting for. I was fighting to find meaning in life but whats the point of that? My thoughts, feelings, and ego mean nothing at all. And neither does anyone elses. If i dont kill myself, all i see happening is myself just walking through life with no reason to at all untill i die. Im just a machine thats programmed to survive and for no reason at all. I hope death is nothing at all and i wont be aware anymore because if i were conscious for eternity, it would just be more of this. I dont even know why im writting this. To help myself? Its futile. Nothing matters.