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I dont know anything now. I cant tell what i feel, i dont know what ive decided. I cant tell if im suicidal or not. I was trying so hard to feel positive but for what? I cant tell if ive found meaning. I dont even know what i am doing anymore. I dont even think finding meaning means anything either now. I think its all meaningless. Why should i find meaning? Why should i live? Why should anything live? Theres no reason behind it all, its just an experiance.  I dont want to exist anymore. Why should i? I and everything else is just nothing at all. Im never going to think differently. I may end up killing myself at some point. I dont even know what im fighting for. I was fighting to find meaning in life but whats the point of that? My thoughts, feelings, and ego mean nothing at all. And neither does anyone elses. If i dont kill myself, all i see happening is myself just walking through life with no reason to at all untill i die. Im just a machine thats programmed to survive and for no reason at all. I hope death is nothing at all and i wont be aware anymore because if i were conscious for eternity, it would just be more of this. I dont even know why im writting this. To help myself? Its futile. Nothing matters.
 

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Hey, get it all out. No judgement from me. I mean, in my case I know that there is something physically (likely neurologically) wrong with me. However, as I've been experimenting with various treatments, I keep wondering why? So what happens if my cognition gets better and my physical functioning is better? What then? I've always had a very existential view of life, felt like I wasn't a whole person, but as a child had hope that this was perhaps normal and I just wasn't very good at hiding these feelings, but as I got older, and had more life experience, I would figure it out and life would be worth living. That never happened, obviously. My only hope right now is that this is all part of the same "illness" and that when and if I am ever "cured" I will suddenly feel like things are worth striving for, I also couldn't imagine an eternity of consciousness. The only thing I look forward to anymore is sleep, and occasionally conversations like this one, odd as that may seem.

You can talk to me anytime if you want to. Even if it's just to vent some of these thoughts that have no solutions. I won't judge or try to give you any "life advice" or anything like that.
 

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What's the point in killing yourself, though? I mean if life isn't constant suffering and pain for you, I don't see why you should kill yourself. What I don't see is why you should end your life just because you can't find objective meaning in it.

You're free to kill yourself, of course, but frankly I'd say that's a pretty bad reason to kill yourself over.

Like, sure, there's no ultimate point to this all beyond survival and whatever subjective meaning we come up with, but that doesn't mean that this experience right now is empty. It's still a real thing that matters right now.
 
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