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From the time I wake up in the morning, to the time I go to bed, I hardly remember the events. I don't even understand what made this thing a day. I was only half here the whole time. I don't remember being totally present, well, perhaps I do, it's only slivers in my memory, intangible, not real- like everything else. My mind feels like a tv set that's turned up too loud, but not on a channel, just static... loud static... Distracting me from the world around me, It's cluttered with circular unproductive thoughts, pulling me away from what I need to do in the physical world, weather work or play. I want to be liberated from this alienation, be free from the detachment, be human again.

I don't know when this started, It seems as though it's been here my whole life, only in different degrees. When I was a kid, I thought that everything around me was fake, and I was living in a placebo world that was constructed around me for experimental purposed or something. I don't know why, just that it wasn't real. My mind feels like an existential dream. For better or for worse. I've felt bliss, heavenly- Though not able to express it in a tangible way to people. On the flip, I've felt the existential hell, of feeling like you're trapped in your mind, disconnected from your body, your surroundings, people, a gripping loneliness.

What I want is to be able to accept this as how I am, and respond to the world wisely and fully as myself. I try not to say I want to "recover" because I'm not sure what that means, and perhaps recovering is accepting my state of mind how I am, and that in itself will set me free.

I don't know what to do with myself, I wish I could turn my mind down, and delve deep into my body, my heart, my soul. But alas, I cannot enter these realms, they are lost to me. I know It's all there, but there's always something in the way.

I want to be real.


Nose Cheek Eye Human body Jaw

Ditty
Jan 16 2011 11:13 AM

It helps me so much when I can see how I feel put into words. Sometimes I just can't find the right way to describe how I feel.

I know exactly when I started feeling this way though. It happened when I was 9 years old and I separated from my body. My Grampa was doing things to me that felt different than the previous 3 years did. I'm not sure what. All I know is that I was floating up near the ceiling and watching what was happening. But I was too far away to really see anything. I didn't feel anything in my body at all. I just remember the sensation of floating and wondering how it was possible.

Since then I felt like I have been watching my life happen. Like I was an outsider looking in. I even started to dream in the third person. I learned to numb myself from that day as well. Whenever I get too stimulated...good or bad....I escape my body and it just goes numb. I long to feel a real feeling. To discover a sense of me.


Hair Jaw Smile Water Travel

Tacxj
Feb 06 2011 08:15 PM

This is REALLY good.. that was poetic, seriously. I get it though- just spacing out, coming to and finding the day, the month, the years have passed, slipping back under.
 
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