[Guest]

Hi,

I'm new to the forum. I'm so scared about this but what the hell...

I had an episode when I was about 10 and I'm not sure if it fits here but I've been desperately trying to find some information about what it's all about. By explaining the episode I'm scared I will maybe set it off in someone else. I wouldn't wish the fear on anyone. I hope no-one has to go through this but if someone has experienced this it would help me feel not so alone. It's very hard to explain because it's a paradoxical thing and it's very difficult to get the exact point across because on a rational level it makes no sense. Here goes (bear with my rambling)...

When I was 10 or so I suddenly realised something that scared the living hell out of me. I relived it in my head there recently and my God, the fear. But anyway... I suddenly felt totally alone and different from everyone else. You see I can't see my own face. Well, I can if I look in a mirror, and I see myself as myself. I have no problem with that. Also everyone else is real. So I'm not sure if this is really DP or DR. I'm cool with the reality of me and the world. I don't have visual symptoms (except I do see a graininess in my vision - sort of white noise that I can ignore - which I think was just one time looking too long at the sun when I was a kid - I see this graininess only when I consciously think of it and when I close my eyes).

Anyway I digress... This feeling that came over me meant I was different - I was just me, whatever that was (real, but different - unique, special somehow). Others are just real people as I see them - I can see them fully. But from my point of view I'm just a camera view looking at everyone else. Now I know that everyone must be in the same boat (hence the paradox) - I mean, no-one can see their own face without a mirror or photo, they just look out of themselves also. Unfortunately, before I could get that far I felt the most terrifying aloneness fear. I cried to my parents about it - I was in bits - and my mum took me to see a psychiatrist. He said I was fine. I don't remember that to be honest. I just wanted to forget about it so I kind of did but the fear never went away. It's just buried.

I started thinking about it again because I'm just coming to grips with my father's death (he died when I was 12). It's a tough one, but I have felt somehow different all my life. It's really narcissistic in a way. I'm human or course, and I also know that I can't be different. But I can't get rid of that damn initial feeling. It's terrifying. I also suffer OCD which came on after Dad's death. I have an awful fear something bad is going to happen to me and it's tough to get rid of, but I'm facing it now. It's difficult but I think I can do it.

Anyway, has anyone else had this shock happen ? It's not exactly DP, DR is it ? Or is it ? Anyway thanks for reading and I just hope I don't set the feeling off in someone else, if what I said clicks with them. It's so hard to explain because it doesn't make sense. Everyone's the same of course but that initial fear.....ugh. I'm currently finding a way to release it. If someone else had experienced this I would feel better. At least I think so.

If what I said doesn't make sense (and I don't blame you at all for that) I'll try to explain it better.

 

[Martinelv]

Hello and welcome.

It's a bit confusing to be honest, but there certainly sounds like DP-like elements in what you describe. A number of members on this board describe a kind of stunning enlightenment-type experience as a child - usually associated with terrible fear and panic, and then never being 'quite the same' afterwards. It's a strange one. I guess it's difficult to elucidate as a child, but I would have thought that you had some kind of panic attack, which then sprouted OCD and possibly DP.

Anyway, sorry to hear about this. I myself haven't really experienced DP long-term, but others will come on and reply.

 

[Guest]

Thanks for the reply. It is damn confusing indeed, to be honest it confuses me on a rational level but somehow it's just there; just the fear at that point before the solution that everyone is made this way kicks in. You are right about the panic attack. I think the OCD came in after my father's death as a result of an awful fear that something is going to badly go wrong if I don't do certain inane rituals.

The OCD is not as bad as it used to be but this feeling of being fundamentally fixed in a different position (as in uniquely me and no-one else - someone with a unique alone point of view forever!!!) frightens the hell out of me. Looking out (as I admit everyone must do) from my eyes at the world, controlling my body (quite successfully for the most part) is what makes me feel different as I can't sense other people having to do it for themselves even though they clearly must. I must take it on trust that everyone is in the same boat. It's so silly. It's exhausting trying to figure it out, probably because the whole thing doesn't make sense to start with. Going in circles, ah well.

I don't want to write too much (looking at a large clump of text can be daunting :wink: ) but rarely I do have a feeling that when I'm walking I'll mess it up and I won't be able to move my legs - they feel like something I have to concentrate on - but I don't let it take over and I'm back to normal. Sometimes I might look a bit wobbly for that second if you saw me (I don't know) but that doesn't happen too much at all, only when I'm nervous outdoors (sort of paranoia). I forgot about that before, but I think that's just panic stuff.

I still feel like me. It's just - what is me ? Well me, of course. Why me as me and not someone else ? Well who else could I be. Is everyone else a "me" of their own too ? They have to be. Why doesn't this freak anyone else out ? Ridiculous paradoxical thoughts. That sort of stuff probably lead to the panic episode. I wish I didn't have it so young, I probably would have been able to handle it better. Then again, maybe not. Obviously (to an outside viewer) I'm doing fine. Then I can forget about it. Still though... ugh.