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as much as it pains me to do this, the time has come for me to make a post on here. i was for around 1 month in denial, constantly shoving off the mere idea of having this. but i cant really find any other description for what makes me feel the way i do.

these days, its hard for me to distinguish the difference between being asleep or awake. it just feels like the same experience for me. even though im awake, and time is ticking, and i am breathing, i feel like i am actually dead inside.

theres 2 feelings that at the same time is paining me. one is the experience of my own sense of self being distorted. i dont feel like as if im even here anymore. i can tell you details from my memories, and i do look right on the outside, but none of it strikes me as sincere. i feel like an observer reciting facts, a camera recording the events of others. i hate being reminded that i exist, hence, i prefer doing nothing.

on the other side, my surroundings feel fake. unreal, dreamy, even though i know its not true. it IS all real. its just a sensation. thats what i keep telling myself, to little to no effect.

though i do talk a bit on therapy, though i wake up everyday and do my stuff, i still feel terrible on the inside. i hate every moment of being awake. it feels like i get no joy out of things anymore, but i also get scared and paranoid when alone.

i just feel tired. i know i shouldnt be complaining, but i really am tired. hell, even when i cry, i still feel disconnected from myself.

i wish i could just wake up already.
 

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The way you describe it is perfectly in line with how I remember being in this state... All I can do is send you love and hope you will have enough strength to not give up, because there is a way out. The very fact that you are so preoccupied by it and share your thoughts means you have made the first important step, which is to acknowledge it to yourself and begin accepting the feelings and thoughts that your ego constantly tries to push out of consciousness.
 
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