Oh no Zach, I have felt DP/DR for 15 years' time and I'm only 29 years old. That means it has been one year more with DP/DR than without it. I hope anybody else would feel like you, but personally I hardly feel that I would get rid of DP/DR anymore. Too long-term for me... I hope this didn't sound offensive, just my little thoughts about my case. I just can't see this issue is just a temporary problem for me, as it has existed so long a time...zpgrimm said:
1 - 2 of 10 Posts
Yikes, lots of questions... My DP/DR started, when I was 14-yr-old - some mornings I noticed a feeling, like I was still asleep while awake. In the beginning I could count on the fact that next morning I would feel things normally again, cuz at first the unreal feeling either diminished during the day or diasppeared for the next morning. But after some time it happened that the isolated feeling (like I had invisible icy walls around me) became persistent, and I could do nothing to get it disappear. A couple of first years with DP/DR were quite unpleasant, and I read all the stuff in the library that might help my condition (e.g. psychological literature, Zen buddhism...)
After some time I finally started doubting that maybe I have just imagined this isolating icy wall surrounding me and this was my normal state, which has always been like that. But finally I knew my doubts were wrong because of one wierd experience alone in nature, when I was 17 years. It had rained, and there was a little pool in the street. Just for my amusement I started washing my face in that pool, at the same time suggesting myself that I was still 4-yr-old at my grandparents' farm, and everything else after that was just a grey, dismal dream. And a miracle happened - for a fleeting moment I was totally there without any icy wall! The "flash" lasted only about two seconds, but it was enough to remind me that life had been different for me in my past and I really suffer depersonalization, haven't just imagined it.
After that I have experienced only one similar kind of flash moment, in which I have felt life totally real without DP/DR - I was 24 years and was candyflipping (i.e. dropping Ecstasy and LSD) with my boyfriend and his friend in nature. Somehow for a fleeting moment I felt the other guys weren't threatening and was able to experience life without the icy wall - but only for a couple of seconds' time again, no longer. After that the icy wall returned, and though I experienced many beautiful things on the trip, e.g. hundreds of migrating ladybirds lieing on the sea shore, I didn't experience any other true moment.
When I was younger, I got severe depression because of DP/DR, and have experienced also unpleasant things about six years ago, which gave me PTSD (my former boyfriend beat me many times and still I lived with him for a year). That's why I got acute psychotic breakdown, which was diagnosed Borderline. It was such a lucky thing I happened to get right meds, and because of antidepressant Remeron 30 mg (mirtazapin) I finally could say I didn't suffer depression anymore. Also I was prescribed antipsychotic Peratsin (perphenazine) which lifted me from psychosis. Later I got extrapyramidal side effects cuz of Peratsin, and the med was changed to Zyprexa 10 mg (olanzapine). Some years before the psychotic breakdown I had tried antidepressants Aurorix (moclobemide) and Fluoxetin Generics (fluoxetin), but they were of no help for my depression.
I could say Remeron saved my life, as I am no longer depressed and can study well without difficulties at the moment. Though the meds haven't affected in no way to my constant feeling of DP/DR, which never wears off, but it doesn't disturb me anymore like it did when I was younger. I have somehow used to this unreal feeling, and although I know there would be a different way to feel life, it doesn't bother me anymore. Currently I'm seeking for psychotherapy via Finnish Student Health Service, I'm looking forward it, cuz I hope if it might help with my childhood issues, which I think are the main cause for my DP/DR (I was constantly mocked during my comprehensive school time and also my mother was practically alcoholic, when I was 6-9-yr-old). Let's see...
I don't feel I should need to find a way out of depersonalization anymore, because I can live with it nowadays. I enjoy dancing at rave parties, drawing and planning my scifi comic, my boyfriend's (and our cute cavies'
) company and studying. Although there's always that invisible wall separating me from my surroundings, it doesn't block me from feeling happiness. Of course it would be wonderful if I someday would become DP/DR free - that would be one of the best things that might ever happen to me. But I have learned to live with DP/DR, and I have come to the conclusion that I will live like it would be always in my life, but don't let it bother me anymore. I guess this is the best thing to do, because in that case I have everything to win but nothing to lose in this issue.
Oh, maybe I should repost this to the story section too...?
After some time I finally started doubting that maybe I have just imagined this isolating icy wall surrounding me and this was my normal state, which has always been like that. But finally I knew my doubts were wrong because of one wierd experience alone in nature, when I was 17 years. It had rained, and there was a little pool in the street. Just for my amusement I started washing my face in that pool, at the same time suggesting myself that I was still 4-yr-old at my grandparents' farm, and everything else after that was just a grey, dismal dream. And a miracle happened - for a fleeting moment I was totally there without any icy wall! The "flash" lasted only about two seconds, but it was enough to remind me that life had been different for me in my past and I really suffer depersonalization, haven't just imagined it.
After that I have experienced only one similar kind of flash moment, in which I have felt life totally real without DP/DR - I was 24 years and was candyflipping (i.e. dropping Ecstasy and LSD) with my boyfriend and his friend in nature. Somehow for a fleeting moment I felt the other guys weren't threatening and was able to experience life without the icy wall - but only for a couple of seconds' time again, no longer. After that the icy wall returned, and though I experienced many beautiful things on the trip, e.g. hundreds of migrating ladybirds lieing on the sea shore, I didn't experience any other true moment.
When I was younger, I got severe depression because of DP/DR, and have experienced also unpleasant things about six years ago, which gave me PTSD (my former boyfriend beat me many times and still I lived with him for a year). That's why I got acute psychotic breakdown, which was diagnosed Borderline. It was such a lucky thing I happened to get right meds, and because of antidepressant Remeron 30 mg (mirtazapin) I finally could say I didn't suffer depression anymore. Also I was prescribed antipsychotic Peratsin (perphenazine) which lifted me from psychosis. Later I got extrapyramidal side effects cuz of Peratsin, and the med was changed to Zyprexa 10 mg (olanzapine). Some years before the psychotic breakdown I had tried antidepressants Aurorix (moclobemide) and Fluoxetin Generics (fluoxetin), but they were of no help for my depression.
I could say Remeron saved my life, as I am no longer depressed and can study well without difficulties at the moment. Though the meds haven't affected in no way to my constant feeling of DP/DR, which never wears off, but it doesn't disturb me anymore like it did when I was younger. I have somehow used to this unreal feeling, and although I know there would be a different way to feel life, it doesn't bother me anymore. Currently I'm seeking for psychotherapy via Finnish Student Health Service, I'm looking forward it, cuz I hope if it might help with my childhood issues, which I think are the main cause for my DP/DR (I was constantly mocked during my comprehensive school time and also my mother was practically alcoholic, when I was 6-9-yr-old). Let's see...
I don't feel I should need to find a way out of depersonalization anymore, because I can live with it nowadays. I enjoy dancing at rave parties, drawing and planning my scifi comic, my boyfriend's (and our cute cavies'
) company and studying. Although there's always that invisible wall separating me from my surroundings, it doesn't block me from feeling happiness. Of course it would be wonderful if I someday would become DP/DR free - that would be one of the best things that might ever happen to me. But I have learned to live with DP/DR, and I have come to the conclusion that I will live like it would be always in my life, but don't let it bother me anymore. I guess this is the best thing to do, because in that case I have everything to win but nothing to lose in this issue.Oh, maybe I should repost this to the story section too...?
1 - 2 of 10 Posts
