[PrinceLunar72]

Hello. I just needed to write this out I think. Im 26 yeards old, a virgin, and still live with my parents with hardly no social contact outside them or a friend I talk to online. I know I have ocd. I had for it ever since I was 10. But over the years I have suspected to possibly have schizoid pd or depersonlization. I don't know if either of these are true. For years I have had very few and weak emotions. I wasn't always like this. I remember having emotions as a kid and gradually over time they disapeared. I dont know if it was being bullied, having harm ocd at the time, or being a very scared child as my dad raged at me a lot (no physical abuse). Overtime my emotions just grew less and less.

About 2 years ago, I had a mental breakdown over philosophical arguments I read over the internet. About there being no objective morality, life being meaningless, nothing matters, etc. It broke my world to pieces. Im atheist so I have no religion to fall back on. I tried constantly searching over the Internet for c0unterarguments against those thoughts and nothing worked. Somehow eventually I managed to break through and lived as normally as I can f9r the next 2 years. Still was mostly emotionless during this time period.

But now the thoughts have returned. I can't help but think how everything in life is pointless. Emotions are pointless and meaningless. Love is pointless and meaningless. Human life is pointless and meaningless. Nothing in life matters at all. I feel like I have had my eyes open and have seen the truth in life and there is no going back. I just look at everything humans do and see it as if I was looking at animals. I'm scared because of this i will turn into some kind of psychopathic monster that has a blue and orange morality. I say I'm scared but I feel apathetic to this thought because I don't feel emotions anymore. I don't even understand emotions anymore or what they mean. But I still don't want to be like this. I want to stop thinking like this but don't know how.

I want to go back to how I was as a child, that had emotions and was human. But I cant. That part of me is dead. I just feel so empty now. I'm going to a therapist tomorrow but I don't think they can help me. I am too far gone. I don't want to be inhuman being. Why am I like this?

I'm sorry for the rambling but i feel so empty. I keep existing in the hope of being who I used to be again but I lost all hope.

 

[Visual]

You are NOT to far gone. The fact that you care is proof enough. Seeing the therapist is wise. They don't "cure" you but help you find ways to fix yourself, like a mountain guide through a dense jungle. It would be unwise to not have a therapist. Sometimes one can be a jerk ... so find another one. But one may just provoke a thought that surprises you.

It is easy to feel that life is pointless and meaningless. Being atheist removes consideration of there being a higher guide and purpose (but this isn't the place for any kind of religious talk). But do not make the mistake of thinking love is pointless and meaningless!

Why consider love as of value? Love is nearly the only creative emotion. Creative in the ability to make purpose. Research neurologist describe the brain as a 'meaning making machine', reflecting mainly on its function to perceive and structure a meaning.

Love helps pull one out of themselves. Now you need kindness and to receive love yourself. But working from where you are, friendship and compassion needs to be expressed and received ... and if you can't feel much right now, don't let that hinder you from proceeding. Worried about becoming a psychopath? ... then do things opposite of being psychopathic.

The Greeks have several words for love and one is agape. Its root meaning is doing good things for others regardless of a motive or feeling. Doing something to build up another. It is principled love, that is love based on the principle of care and humanity. I mention this specifically because, while good for all people to exercise, it is good for those who suffer loss-of-emotional-feeling because it doesn't actually require feeling. It is the 'logic' of love. One can be kind to someone they have no feelings for. There are other kinds of love such as philia (friend) and eros (lust), but principle love will create happiness and purpose.

Obviously you want help. Why else would you post on this forum? I am not a therapist, nor are there active therapists here. This forum is a collection of people suffering problems of a similar nature. Some just want to vent. Others look for solutions. Some share things that have helped them.

You have learned the hard way of excessive philosophical arguments. People can argue blue is orange and up is down. What you need to do is structure a foundation and build from there. Don't be afraid of making mistakes on the way (if you are) because you can and will make changes as you grow. Believing there is no purpose is what an enemy will do with torture to a captive prisoner - breaking them down. Philosophers, often intent on proving how clever they are, break down others the same way ... no love from these folks as they greedily seek attention for themselves.

Temper learning with patients and humility. "Truth" will be different than where each of us are. It is something you move closer to. There are basic truths of human need and compassion and purpose. So build with positive emotions ... these positive goals.

You list a history and progression. Again, while there aren't trained therapist here, some may be able to offer suggestions that help. Everyone here has problems and fears. And while this forum is imperfect, having ups and downs and occasional trolls like any forum, there are people who care. I've known a couple of the admins here and they are kind. Many members here care ... even if they are at a loss for words or energy to reply to all the threads.

Wish you success in your journey. One can't go back to their childhood but in the end they can construct something even better.

 

[PrinceLunar72]

Thanks for the reply. I went to a therapist and she put me on new medicine. It's just so hard though. I feel like an alien observer studying humans or something. Trying to figure out what emotions are and why do we have them. Are they nothing more but just an evolutionary adaption? Why do humans value their life. I look at humans and I just don't understand anymore.

 

[Chip1021]

What is a "blue and orange" morality?

I feel very similar, but i wouldnt worry about becoming a psychopath. Depending on what you mean by the term, being apathetic towards your fellow man is not the same as being actively destructive.

Your therapist put you on medication? Usually therapists are for talking? What credentials does your therapist have? MD? PhD? Is it a pshyciatrist, psychologist, or social worker, etc?