[Msanchioli]

There's no real reason behind making this post, but I felt compelled to write about how I feel.. lol

These past few weeks, I've been under this constant impression that something has changed about my DPDR. It's like I can't get a hold of it anymore. It feels as if every second that goes by I'm "realizing my consciousness" and my brain doesn't provide any instruction on how to handle it. The blank mind is at its peak, I literally hear nothing inside my head and I've lost all memory on what it feels like to be inside of a "normal" mind. Anything that I know about how I "used to be" holds absolutely no value to me at all. I still worry all day that I'm just gonna either start hallucinating or just sit somewhere and never move again. The crazy part of it all is that I'm not "suffering".. I'm just not. Not as in I literally feel like nothing. No emotions, no desires, no panic, no anxiety or racing thoughts.. just nothingness. My vision feels like its 2000 miles away from my eyes and no matter how hard I try, I just can't connect to it. This just feels so different than what I used to feel like DPDR was. When I first felt this horrible feeling, I was still able to have the strength to continue to fight, socialize and make somewhat of an effort to enjoy my life. Now I just feel too tired. I'm tired of trying to figure it all out, but at the same time I want nothing more than to just feel somewhat okay again. Every time I try to do literally anything, I either feel way too disconnected from whatever it is I'm doing or I'm thinking so negatively about my actions that it sucks up any possibility of enjoyment. And what makes it all worse, is the feeling of loosing that "awareness" of how I feel. I used to have an inner awareness or "reference to normal" in my head that would give me the ability to compare how I feel now to how I've felt when I was okay.

It's been so hard to just keep telling myself it's just DP. As I've said in previous posts, I disconnected from my own disconnection. Is this psychosis? Is this me slipping into catatonia? I just can't tell anymore.

 

[leminaseri]

There's no real reason behind making this post, but I felt compelled to write about how I feel.. lol

These past few weeks, I've been under this constant impression that something has changed about my DPDR. It's like I can't get a hold of it anymore. It feels as if every second that goes by I'm "realizing my consciousness" and my brain doesn't provide any instruction on how to handle it. The blank mind is at its peak, I literally hear nothing inside my head and I've lost all memory on what it feels like to be inside of a "normal" mind. Anything that I know about how I "used to be" holds absolutely no value to me at all. I still worry all day that I'm just gonna either start hallucinating or just sit somewhere and never move again. The crazy part of it all is that I'm not "suffering".. I'm just not. Not as in I literally feel like nothing. No emotions, no desires, no panic, no anxiety or racing thoughts.. just nothingness. My vision feels like its 2000 miles away from my eyes and no matter how hard I try, I just can't connect to it. This just feels so different than what I used to feel like DPDR was. When I first felt this horrible feeling, I was still able to have the strength to continue to fight, socialize and make somewhat of an effort to enjoy my life. Now I just feel too tired. I'm tired of trying to figure it all out, but at the same time I want nothing more than to just feel somewhat okay again. Every time I try to do literally anything, I either feel way too disconnected from whatever it is I'm doing or I'm thinking so negatively about my actions that it sucks up any possibility of enjoyment. And what makes it all worse, is the feeling of loosing that "awareness" of how I feel. I used to have an inner awareness or "reference to normal" in my head that would give me the ability to compare how I feel now to how I've felt when I was okay.

It's been so hard to just keep telling myself it's just DP. As I've said in previous posts, I disconnected from my own disconnection. Is this psychosis? Is this me slipping into catatonia? I just can't tell anymore.

i was absolutely on the same place. but believe me or not, the more i trained and „forced“ my brain to focus on what is outside of my mind (actually everything is in the mind but you know what i mean) the more it let more information INto the mind. i know exactly what you mean. you have no idea why you suffering. you want to grasp a thought about how all of this happened, and you want to think about why this happened but there is just no input. it feels almost like you just dont know what is wrong. there is no central „you“ where you can collect the facts together to conclude a general situation. you know that youre suffering but everything around this thought is empty. keep going brother

 

[Msanchioli]

i was absolutely on the same place. but believe me or not, the more i trained and „forced“ my brain to focus on what is outside of my mind (actually everything is in the mind but you know what i mean) the more it let more information INto the mind. i know exactly what you mean. you have no idea why you suffering. you want to grasp a thought about how all of this happened, and you want to think about why this happened but there is just no input. it feels almost like you just dont know what is wrong. there is no central „you“ where you can collect the facts together to conclude a general situation. you know that youre suffering but everything around this thought is empty. keep going brother

.


Jesus, it's crazy how we always relate to the tee... feels good knowing its not just me.

 

[Aridity]

I can relate, I don't even have the words to describe what I experience. I lost all knowledge, I can't look inside my mind anymore. You did a great job of explaining, I also always had this little string that was still connected to the "real world" or the real me, but even that is lost now. I am just floating deeper in the abyss day by day.. first it was very foggy detachment but I still felt "me". Which I can say was mild dpdr compared to the alienation I feel nowadays, it progressed to such an extent that I am also worried that if it continues this way I am not able to function at all anymore. I drop deeper and create a new worsening baseline every few months or so.. it's progressive.

 

[coolwhip27]

Yeah, I don’t even really know what to say here. Besides that I relate. I don’t even know what to do either, how to “be”, I just know all of this life and action should be a natural occurrence. I can’t be putting so much thought and analyzation into how I should even exist. Seems like the more I try rationalize my confusion and ultimate suffering the worse it gets.

 

[Msanchioli]

I can relate, I don't even have the words to describe what I experience. I lost all knowledge, I can't look inside my mind anymore. You did a great job of explaining, I also always had this little string that was still connected to the "real world" or the real me, but even that is lost now. I am just floating deeper in the abyss day by day.. first it was very foggy detachment but I still felt "me". Which I can say was mild dpdr compared to the alienation I feel nowadays, it progressed to such an extent that I am also worried that if it continues this way I am not able to function at all anymore. I drop deeper and create a new worsening baseline every few months or so.. it's progressive.

wow yeah.. I've said the exact same thing about that string connecting us to the real world.