[peaceboy23]

Hey...this is kind of a follow up to my last post and something else. I hope I'm not annoying everyone, I'm afraid I am asking too much or asking for reassurance too much. ANYWAY, I had mentioned schizophrenic fears...I realize now that it is my dp/dr. What I'm curious about is when I say to myself "Michael, STOP IT" when i'm having a weird thought or "wow that flower is really nice, you know?" or "that is so weird, you know," thinking it all too myself, is that normal? Or is that like a step away from psychosis? Does a normal person just think "flower-nice" or "weird" or "bad thought-stop?" Or is that what an ape or another lesser animal would think?

Also does anyone else (I think i've read that some people have had this problem) have issues with time? I know someone said they had problemsw with memory. I got really depressed today because I looked back and my whole vacation, two weeks at the beach, seemed like a dream and like it didn't happen. It's all flat...some parts i remember fondly, like making out with someone (who i've basically had a crush on for seven years ) and golfing, but all in all, it's like "did that happen?" and even when I was there it was like "should I be somehow absorbing this more, what's the point of vacation you just end up back home," etc. To quote Homer Simpson, "what's the point of going out, we just end up back here anyway." Any thoughts or ideas on how to deal with this? Thanks.

 

[jake]

Hey peaceboy, I'm kinda laughing cuz our posts are a minute apart and both asking for some kind of reassurances yet afraid of being a pain in the ass to the message board.

I know i read your other post about the vacation and feelng it wasn't real, and b/cuz the word "vacation" puts me in fits I veered away. Putting that aside though, so I can respond:

I have wondered if others thoughts are so..outloud or personal or however you very aptly described it. I can't recall what anybody ever answered when I asked. I haven't worried about it in a long time so I must've concluded that HOW my thoughts come is OK. I just don't like what some of them are, if ya get my meaning. The 'backround chatter'....the sense I am "joining a conversation already in progress" when I happen to tune into my mind.

Regarding loss of time, or more precisely, the "sense" that something didn't really happen.. I remember years ago clearly asking a counselor what it meant when my dreams seemed more real life and that--- when I was awake it didn't seem real. Asking if it was something I should hold onto, explore, SOMETHING!!! She didn't really get it, so I never got an answer. But I do know that the more connection I can share with people I truly trust, the less I have felt like "happenings didn't happen" or that I was not there.

Again too, Homer Simpson ...haaa ..he seems to say and do what I would like to say and do sometimes and be ok with!!

 

[peaceboy23]

Hey thanks for the reply. I'll tell you what the other thing that is really bothering me is. I will start to think HOW I am thinking my thoughts...like how do i formulate words when I am formulating the words but don't know i'm formulating the words...if that makes any sense whatsoever. It can put me into a panic really, really quickly. I am trying so hard to focus on things in the now, to focus outward, but i can't seem to stop the thoughts and the background chatter that say "life is pointless," "you felt like this before, are you feeling differnetly now, did you five minutes ago." Then the worst is recently I've been thinking "this thing called life is terrible because the only way out is death." I'm so tired of my mind. I can bring on another easy panci when I think that there is no rest for my mind, because there is no escape. It's not like a video game where you can just turn things off, or a stressful situation where you can go on a break and cool off. I hate it. Is more outward thinking and distraction the best way to fight this? It seems like I can go for a few seconds, or even a minute or two feeling ok, but then it comes back. I get depressed thinking how i used to be, when I thought the dp/dr was bad THEN. I start wondering how I acted in a certain situation, and how i felt then, and I know that is just bad. Sigh. As always, help is appreciated :? .

The good news from the beach is that I have found a few things that cause DP/DR states in me when they are going on. This is the stuff for therapy.

 

[peaceboy23]

Another example of the thinking is going on right now, I'm watching TV and I'm thinking, while watching "I'm thinking outward, i'm thinking outward by watching TV, I'm focusing on the TV." Sigh.

 

[blackwinded]

hi peaceboy,

i don't know if i will be of any help. I don't think i can really give you a straight answer to your questions. I have schizophrenia and i experience lots of strange thinking, hearing voices, etc. To me, your thoughts sound pretty normal from what you''ve described, but then again, i've had trouble knowing what is 'normal' and what isn't. I mean, my whole life, i thought it was normal to hear voices because i've been hearing them for so long, but now i know it's not. And i'd always thought it was normal to have conversations and arguements with yourself, even out loud, and to talk to imaginary people, but i guess that's not either.

Anyways, i also have a similar issue with time. 2 years ago, when my schiz got worse, time seemed to change. Even though I got very depressed and had nothing to do all day, everything seemed to speed up. I feel like i have skipped over the last two years and i am not really 18 yrs old. I still feel like i am 16. It's also very hard for me to remember much from the last 2 years, and anything i do remember, it feels like i was far away from myself or like it was a dream. I feel like i'm losing so much time and before i know it, i will be old and wrinkly.
I guess maybe the only thing that could help me is if i took my antipsychotic meds, but i have refused to take them for now because of some issues i'm having with it.

-Becka

 

[jake]

peaceboy, you might've answered this elsewhere but are you on any meds or in any support like group or one-on-one? When I was 25 I went to a day treatment program 5 days a week, we had groups and stuff all day, low stress, kind of anyway. I mean, I still had to GET there, and then play cards and try to have conversations. And there were people there who were my age and younger who had way more illness than I did. I couldn't believe their guts to be on meds and be able to talk about schizophrenia for example, in an objective way. I mean, they KNEW in these better times, that the voices weren't "real", -not to say it was a great consolation to them but they were talking and laughing sometimes and in better shape than me it seemed! This was my first time meeting in person ppl with mental illness who addressed it. My Mom never did, God bless her.
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Anyhooo...this crazy sh*t of the non-stop commentary on our minds, process, etc..it just plan hurts. I used to wish to take my head off and sit on a nite stand and go to sleep! I relate about the video games, you can shut those off. The structure of going to that day program made ahuge difference in my life despite the absolute terror I had about going..it got better, I got better dare I say. I was on no meds at the time, and actually it would be another 8 years or so b-4 any meds. The thoughts were like you describe though--non-stop B.S. but I couldnt make them stop without making me stop, so to speak..The structure and other people helped even though I had my doubts. Are you around any body all day or evening? I have 2 dogs and keep in somewaht contact w/outside world and deal with taking cae of business, but i am a bit of a hermit. And it feeds on itself--isolation duz..so break that trap and you may be on the way to some relief. Also still curious what your treatment for any of this is right now. I understand the unrelenting aspect all too well...sending you peace...try to read something, move around, shrug your shoulders, stretch your hamstrings, remember people know who you are and care.