No sense of self

5318 Views 23 Replies 7 Participants Last post by ThystaBoy, 2 mo ago

Findmywayhome

Discussion Starter · Dec 1, 2020

Going to keep this brief.

I know a detachment from the self is a common symptom of DP. But I kinda feel like I don't even exist anymore. I literally can't tell. I feel like I am just experiencing everything consciously, emotionally, and somatically, but their is no "me" that is experiencing it, its just my brain. Its terrifying. Most people seem to say that DR bothers them more than DP. I definitely disagree, It's easier for me to acclimate to DR then DP. A loss of self is so much more threatening to me then my surroundings looking fuzzy.

Just wondering if anyone can relate to feeling like there is no actual person inside their brain.

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Findmywayhome

Discussion Starter · #21 · Feb 28, 2021

lost235 said:
I guess my DP doesn't peak just when I'm going to bed. It's anytime I spend alone, from 1am-3am when I can't sleep, or when I have to study and be alone, or even just going and getting something from my room in the middle of the day. It doesn't really have anything to do with how I feel or my anxiety, it just happens for no reason which makes me feel like I have no control over it whatsoever. I feel like there no reason to keep trying to feel better, because it's literally like I'm living someone else's life everyday. There's no "me" at all, it's freaking me out a lot.

But I do agree with everything you're saying! I think you've figured out a really good way to feel better with the DP (or at least moving towards a normal-ish life). And as I said, that's what I've been trying to do and it works really well, until 5 days have passed and I've restricted my feelings for too long. And I know that going on as usual doesn't exactly mean "ignoring your feelings". But to me spontaneity is to not think and just do, and that's why I end up with all the thoughts later. I've found that Monday-Thursday is alright, but when Friday hits I'm panicking again. Idk maybe it's just me overthinking a lot. Maybe it takes some time getting used to, like I have with the DR. I just feel like I'm consumed by anxiety, like that's literally all I am.

I used to have that same problem. Having to go to my room, take a shower, take out the trash, or do anything that isolates me with my thoughts would be the most painful part of my day. But now--I can't really say how it happened at this point-- but I underwent a huge shift and now being alone in my room makes me feel the most safe.

The first few months with my DPDR was very turbulent compared to now, I'm more or less at a deadlock with my illness, of course not completely, there's still a bit of a mental fight going on. Like I feel like I have multiple modes of thinking and perceiving that I shift in and out of. Like right now, as I read the words that described how you are freaked out because it feels like there is no "you" I felt very comforted because I have the exact same problem, but then I think, "why should I feel comforted? I literally don't even exist, human emotions are absurd, none of this is real" and the DPDR feelings set in. I feel like DPDR is drowning me in this horrible state of perception and I am just trying to keep my head above the surface, thankfully these past few months the waters have seemed to calm down.

But yeah, like I mentioned before, I feel like I have sunken into my brain, I don't feel outwardly present, and I don't feel like a unified self within my brain. As I write these words, it's so hard to connect to them, but I know intellectually that's whats going on. I just feel so damn confused, my life is so damn confusing. I feel like there is a huge part of "me" that is being blocked off from experience. Like my consciousness has been shifted away from myself, and I am experienced a greyer world with no sense of self. I can't believe that the eyes I am seeing this screen with are mine. It's so confusing and I don't know how I can understand it

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lost235

· #22 · Feb 28, 2021 (Edited by Moderator)

Findmywayhome said:
I used to have that same problem. Having to go to my room, take a shower, take out the trash, or do anything that isolates me with my thoughts would be the most painful part of my day. But now--I can't really say how it happened at this point-- but I underwent a huge shift and now being alone in my room makes me feel the most safe.

The first few months with my DPDR was very turbulent compared to now, I'm more or less at a deadlock with my illness, of course not completely, there's still a bit of a mental fight going on. Like I feel like I have multiple modes of thinking and perceiving that I shift in and out of. Like right now, as I read the words that described how you are freaked out because it feels like there is no "you" I felt very comforted because I have the exact same problem, but then I think, "why should I feel comforted? I literally don't even exist, human emotions are absurd, none of this is real" and the DPDR feelings set in. I feel like DPDR is drowning me in this horrible state of perception and I am just trying to keep my head above the surface, thankfully these past few months the waters have seemed to calm down.

But yeah, like I mentioned before, I feel like I have sunken into my brain, I don't feel outwardly present, and I don't feel like a unified self within my brain. As I write these words, it's so hard to connect to them, but I know intellectually that's whats going on. I just feel so damn confused, my life is so damn confusing. I feel like there is a huge part of "me" that is being blocked off from experience. Like my consciousness has been shifted away from myself, and I am experienced a greyer world with no sense of self. I can't believe that the eyes I am seeing this screen with are mine. It's so confusing and I don't know how I can understand it

Yeah that's exactly how I feel! I'm still very uncomfortable doing things alone and being with my thoughts, but at the same time I feel equally as uncomfortable being in social settings. It sucks because I was finally getting used to the DR, and I was at the point where I felt like it might be okay again, then the DP came and now I'm at the lowest I've ever been.

And it's like I can't even calm myself down because I don't even know what it is I'm calming down. The best way I would describe how I feel is that my thoughts, body and identity/memories have separated and I'm stuck in between them trying to make sense of everything. Sorry if this triggered you in any way, just wanted to let you know that I do relate a lot to basically everything you're describing so I get what you mean. Must say though I'm pretty relieved that I'm not the only one experiencing this, I thought I was going crazy for a while. Still I'm sorry you feel this way:/

The good thing is, I think I've hit rock bottom now too. I seriously doubt that it could get any worse. So I do think that's a good sign! That's the thing to hold onto in this kind of situation I guess.

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BlueTank

· #23 · Mar 7, 2021

So my experience is proof you can DP/DR while you are still happy and active. Anxiety was probably building. sleep problems etc.. and I was like in denial and going about life. Then it leads to depression.

In my case though this story is not started with marijuana.

So. You have DP/DR and it messes with how you've always seen the world and then you get depressed or freak out over it. Perhaps this is different for you though. There is a lot of variation. But I really felt like you did after a while. Worse DPDR. Bad sleep. Then nocturnal panic and spine shocks. All sorts of crazy shit happened and it beat me down. I got extra anxious and then yes it had a very zombie like feel to it. Like you don't exist i suppose. I lost my personality etc... But I got it back. So that made me think its depression.

Think about like somebody born with out legs vs losing them at the prime of their life. First person never knew it any other way and the other has to get used to it. In a way you get used to it. Infact the first person I ever talked to about "I feel like i'm outisde of my body" gave me a startled look and I said "Will it go away" and he said "No. but you'll get used to it". And in a way he is right and in a way he is wrong. You can get rid of it. But mostly or atleast at first you get used to it. I'm not kidding. A lot of it imo is light sensitivity. The damn tunnel vision. That can lessen. The light sensitivity for me can hang around but you get used to it.

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ThystaBoy

· #24 · 2 mo ago

heneluna said:
I was minimizing the impact my trauma had on me and felt like my problems weren't important enough to ever be addressed.

I think this is extremely important. I think this has to do with growing up in a dysfunctional family. You don't just get these symptoms, you also don't put enough importance on yourself to really just address it. In the last 10 years, I only really took care about myself (not just regarding DP, anything), when I was in total absolute pain already. I think one of the biggest obstacles in healing DP is that we simply don't believe we deserve our own attention, or healing.

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