Hey, thanks for the reply. Ive seen that you've been on here quite a bit recently and I just have to say I appreciate the sympathy and advice you've given on here. You seem to have garnered a wealth of wisdom about all of this lol.Relatable.
Dp definitely sucks more than dr. No sense of self paired with a blank mind is screwing me over currently. Very much on autopilot. It eez what it eez.
You kind of are your brain, but more than that you are also your experiences. Since you have thoughts and are experiencing things consciously, emotionally, and somatically, "you" do exist. The fact that you find this experience terrifying proves that you are still here, there is a person inside your brain, you still have a mind, you are still you, you exist.
Why do we exist? I don't know, lol, let's not think about that.. but being that we are built to have emotions, be self aware, and have thoughts has to mean something? Maybe? You're not just organs.
It may not feel like it but you still exist, I promise.
Hang in there.
Hey.Lol I'm not wise at all, but thanks.
Low-key don't know how to answer so this is gonna be long and probably have no sense of structure...
I've had dpdr for about 5 years; started right before 8th grade and now I'm in 12th. To be honest, I can't completely remember what this disorder used to be like for me regarding symptoms. I'm not even sure I could tell you anything astonishing in terms of how I've coped with it..super helpful, I know.
I'm as calm as I've ever been about this disorder. I mean, I would kill to look at the sunset with clear eyes just one more time, but, I still think I am doing better than any other year I've had this. My symptoms haven't changed much over the years. I'm still constantly derealized and depersonalized, and I've got a blank mind. Some days are horrible, my body feels like a hologram, everything looks like its in my peripheral vision and I do feel hopeless. Though, compared to the first year/ two; I'm not as paranoid, the severity of my dissociation does not fluctuate as dramatically, I'm not as existential, and I'm not too worried about the meaning of the world or the meaning behind my existence anymore.
I think what has gotten me to this point is that I accept that this is a dissociative disorder, I have a clear understanding of why I developed this disorder and still have this disorder, I am actively trying to increase my psychological flexibility (look that up if u haven't heard of it it's pretty rad), and I'm trying to view this disorder as something conquerable, a mere obstacle.
For me, a critical step for developing good coping would be recognizing trauma, anxiety, or anything that may have caused the dpdr. Personally, this took so much time to figure out, a lot of recalling/reliving memories, a lot of emotions, and some therapy sessions, but I think I've finally got it down. A reason why I've had this disorder for so long and why I think you can overcome it quicker is because one; I was super young when it started and didn't know jack shit about mental health, and two; I was minimizing the impact my trauma had on me and felt like my problems weren't important enough to ever be addressed. I've just recently learned how to cope with my emotions instead of repressing them.. haha.
Um, I'm also on Lexapro. That's probably calmed me down. I know people who've experienced depersonalization and derealization for months from bad meds, having too high a dose, etc. so that's something to think about uhhh
I guess just try to have a positive outlook, but don't suppress your feelings under the guise of positivity. Find peace and comfort in knowing we constantly change and there is no final version of yourself. This disorder isn't a death sentence. Focus and do things that make you happy but also know that you need to have a willingness to experience a range of sensations, emotions, and thoughts in order to grab dpdr by the throat and to live a rich life in general. Don't suppress your emotions, you aren't dumb for being hopeful, and uhh friends and talking to people is always good.
I'm obviously not recovered nor am I some enlightened master of life, so... take my advice with a grain of salt. I can't think of anything else right now but if you have anything else you wanna know or just wanna talk, I'm here.
This thread is really long but I have to address your last comment hahaha. I am not a soundcloud rapper, although me and my friend fucked around and made some satirical rap songs for the website. I don't even know what I meant by "creative work" perhaps I was trying to find a more pretentious way of literally just saying I wanted validation for whatever I post online, photos, skate videos, edits, skits, memes, whatever. But, Im planning to start a YouTube channel and make short films, so yeah.You know what's actually funny.. most teens don't feel this way. Sure, a lot of teens feel sadness, want to have friends and want to fit in or whatever, but, the majority of teens aren't depressed and don't feel inadequate on the regular. I have a feeling you don't see your emotions as justifiable. Your thoughts, feelings, and emotions are legitimate and as important as anyone else's, k?
Sheesh, how you described things it really seems like you have had low self-esteem for a while. Same here. One doesn't really just wake up one day and decide that they're a nobody. Rather, that belief is ingrained into us slowly through many experiences like rejection, bullying, pressure from our (patriarchal) society, *cough* media warping our ideas of self worth *cough*, and also through dysfunctional families. I'm sure you're working through this, you know what you're going through better than anyone, so good luck, I understand that you've done more than enough introspection lol. I could honestly go on longer but imma stop myself here, you're informed on this stuff and I'm sure you've been trying shit like more self love which in turn helps the dpdr or whatever so imma not annoy you lol. And I still said it. Sorry, it's 3am rn, idrk what I'm doing.
Don't undermine what you've been through, developing this hell of a condition is proof that it was "bad enough". And 20's? Who said it'll last that long? You can still have some fun with dpdr, sure it feels harder to do, you'll zone out, but it's always better than staying in.
I just realized you said you wanted attention for your creative work in the other reply….you a soundcloud rapper? Lol sorry that's just the first thing that came to mind when I read it.
Hmm interesting. Looking back do you think that was an accurate description of what you were going through? If so when did you get your sense of self back?I remember trying to find the terms to describe the transition I had undergone at age 17. I finally hit upon "I lost my sense of self". I remembered thinking it
was something of a big deal to be able to describe my symptoms in this manner. I had never heard dissociation discussed in anyway in the early 1970s
I would discover it is one thing to be able to define a problem and quite another to address it.
Hey lost.Have you found any way at all to deal with this? I used to think DP wasn't as bad as DR but it sucks, I'm honestly desperate for some tips at this point, can't seem to find any.This is exactly how I feel. Do you notice anything that helps?
Thats truly a very inspiring story, I admire your endurance to the adversity of mental illness. For me though, my practically absent sense of self isn't derived from anhedonia. In fact, I am the fortunate minority of people with DPDR to not feel depressed, I feel plenty of positive and negative emotion. I feel miserable sure, but the depressive episode I went through that actually caused this 24/7 dissociation was so so much worse. So my loss of sense of self seems so much more weird, like it feels like my ego has been dissolved.Sorry to be so long in replying as I lost touch with this thread. In answer to how I coped with loss of self at age 17, with no help from anyone?
Well, I guess you could say I still had half a self. I had lost positive emotions but I could still feel pain. I underwent an episode of major depression.
It was really rough. I lost 30 lbs and had terrible insomnia and anxiety. I was in full survival mode. I just held on until my symptoms subsided
enough to allow me to have some hope for the future.
Yeah I experience that too. My DP is at it's worst during the five minutes I spend getting ready for bed; that's when im at my most fatigued and burnt out. That's really good that spending time with your parents helps! Family is very important with these kind of things.Yeah I've actually noticed that spontaneity does work quite a bit. But what's been shitty about that for me is that after I've spent the whole day on auto-pilot and being social, I'm even more DPd when I go to my room at the end of the day. If I spend the day not thinking at all, just focusing on doing things, that's just pushing the problem onto my future self. Is that something you experience too? I've spent most of the days this week doing this exact thing, and yesterday I had the worst panic attack I've ever had. I don't recognise myself at all, it's like I'm in someone else's brain. I don't recognise my emotions, thoughts, myself, not anything. (I'm also currently sick so that doesn't help, I feel like I can't break the dissociation at all. Can't hear anything, hurts to talk, can't smell etc. Which makes it super hard to feel present). My parents are actually the only ones who makes it feel kinda better for me, talking to them is the only this that can calm me down somewhat.
And I've also thought about what you're saying, before this no ones ever really that conscious of themselves (I mean I definitely was when it came to how others perceived me and what I said everyday, but it was never like I questioned myself and who I was). But like I said, to me, ignoring the problem throughout the day hasn't at all worked it's just made it worse. I'm glad it seems to work for you tho! What you said actually does make total sense. Without DP, you never question yourself as a person, and analyse your whole existence and experience of the world. If you try and stop questioning it maybe living becomes more natural? Idk, I just can't wait for this to be over (if it ever does go away).
I used to have that same problem. Having to go to my room, take a shower, take out the trash, or do anything that isolates me with my thoughts would be the most painful part of my day. But now--I can't really say how it happened at this point-- but I underwent a huge shift and now being alone in my room makes me feel the most safe.I guess my DP doesn't peak just when I'm going to bed. It's anytime I spend alone, from 1am-3am when I can't sleep, or when I have to study and be alone, or even just going and getting something from my room in the middle of the day. It doesn't really have anything to do with how I feel or my anxiety, it just happens for no reason which makes me feel like I have no control over it whatsoever. I feel like there no reason to keep trying to feel better, because it's literally like I'm living someone else's life everyday. There's no "me" at all, it's freaking me out a lot.
But I do agree with everything you're saying! I think you've figured out a really good way to feel better with the DP (or at least moving towards a normal-ish life). And as I said, that's what I've been trying to do and it works really well, until 5 days have passed and I've restricted my feelings for too long. And I know that going on as usual doesn't exactly mean "ignoring your feelings". But to me spontaneity is to not think and just do, and that's why I end up with all the thoughts later. I've found that Monday-Thursday is alright, but when Friday hits I'm panicking again. Idk maybe it's just me overthinking a lot. Maybe it takes some time getting used to, like I have with the DR. I just feel like I'm consumed by anxiety, like that's literally all I am.
