Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Since my most recent bout with DP and severe Depression over the last week, I have thought alot about death and not wanting to be here anymore. Not because my life is bad, but because with this DP and Depression I can't enjoy life. When I am in these horrible funks I just want to end it all. The longer I deal with this DP/Depression and the older I get, the more and more I think about ending it all. Reason being is....when I am down and I feel like I am in hell, what is the point of being alive? I know others will say, "You will hurt so many people that love you", but what about me? No one around me knows how much I hurt mentally, cause it's all inside me and no one can physically see it. No one knows how much pain I have. No one outside of this board, in my everyday life, knows what I feel like. No one knows how horrific it is to feel like your life is foreign and unknown and not the same life you lived 2 weeks ago. No one knows how hard it is for me to get myself to go to work. No one knows how hard it is to do the simple things like type an email. No one knows how hard it is to get up to go to the bathroom. No one knows how it is to not have ANY feelings. No one knows how it feels to have your brain taking over your thoughts. No one knows how it feels to not be attached to your own body. No one knows any of this. And it is soooo frustrating. No one can understand why if I could I would sleep all day, every day when I am down. No one understands why I don't want a girlfriend. No one understands how hard it is for me to get through work each day. No one knows how hard it is to talk because it feels so weird. No one knows how it is to not know how you are going to feel each day. No one knows how it feels to watch yourself every moment. No one knows how it is to have to concentration. No one knows how it feels to one week not require much sleep and the next week not be able to keep your eyes open. NO ONE IN MY EVERYDAY LIFE KNOWS HOW BAD I FEEL. All they see is this good looking, physically in shape, genuine, polite, hard worker who is at work every day. NO ONE KNOWS HOW MUCH IT HURTS FOR ME TO EVEN LIVE!!!!! And that is the most frustrating thing in the world. Having to cover it up everyday. Having to fake like everything is all peaches and cream. And it's killing me. One of these days very soon, I don't think I'm going to want to live like this anymore, because honestly the pain is not worth the times I feel good.