[Kelson12]

Since my most recent bout with DP and severe Depression over the last week, I have thought alot about death and not wanting to be here anymore. Not because my life is bad, but because with this DP and Depression I can't enjoy life. When I am in these horrible funks I just want to end it all. The longer I deal with this DP/Depression and the older I get, the more and more I think about ending it all. Reason being is....when I am down and I feel like I am in hell, what is the point of being alive? I know others will say, "You will hurt so many people that love you", but what about me? No one around me knows how much I hurt mentally, cause it's all inside me and no one can physically see it. No one knows how much pain I have. No one outside of this board, in my everyday life, knows what I feel like. No one knows how horrific it is to feel like your life is foreign and unknown and not the same life you lived 2 weeks ago. No one knows how hard it is for me to get myself to go to work. No one knows how hard it is to do the simple things like type an email. No one knows how hard it is to get up to go to the bathroom. No one knows how it is to not have ANY feelings. No one knows how it feels to have your brain taking over your thoughts. No one knows how it feels to not be attached to your own body. No one knows any of this. And it is soooo frustrating. No one can understand why if I could I would sleep all day, every day when I am down. No one understands why I don't want a girlfriend. No one understands how hard it is for me to get through work each day. No one knows how hard it is to talk because it feels so weird. No one knows how it is to not know how you are going to feel each day. No one knows how it feels to watch yourself every moment. No one knows how it is to have to concentration. No one knows how it feels to one week not require much sleep and the next week not be able to keep your eyes open. NO ONE IN MY EVERYDAY LIFE KNOWS HOW BAD I FEEL. All they see is this good looking, physically in shape, genuine, polite, hard worker who is at work every day. NO ONE KNOWS HOW MUCH IT HURTS FOR ME TO EVEN LIVE!!!!! And that is the most frustrating thing in the world. Having to cover it up everyday. Having to fake like everything is all peaches and cream. And it's killing me. One of these days very soon, I don't think I'm going to want to live like this anymore, because honestly the pain is not worth the times I feel good.

Kelson

 

[buttercup]

hi kelson

Im so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain wright now and believe me i know how hard deppression and dp/dr are.....i had a major nervous brackdown 4 years ago now and i have tried on a few occasions to take my own life and all it got me was a year in hosp and a bit of a damaged liver but thats just phically.

I have felt that i just can't bear liveing as there is just to much pain and all you want is for the pain and suffering to end and i bet that you can see it as the only way out???

I never thought it would be possibel to even come home let alone be here 4 years down the line but i have somehow managed to make very small steps to geting myself better for me, and you wouldn't believe how hard i have fought just to get to where i am today,i really hope that you manage to find the strengh.

The pain,suffering metally and the anxitiy are so hard to deal with at times but im so glad that im still here today, you must have fought so hard to be where you are as well??? Please try not to be to hard on yourself and i have complet faith that the sun WILL shine again for you to.

I believe that even the cruleist things happen for a reason and it shapes who we are and you will come out of it a much stronger and more resourceful person,where the is life there is hope.

Is there anything at all that you enjoy or that gives you pleasure??? no matter how small because thats what you have to keep fighting for and believeing in.

My steep mum took her own life just before my birthday 2 years ago and that was a massiee blow for me, it hurt that she didn't come to me and that i wasn't there to help her.Do you have any family or friends,people that are good in your life? because if you can find away then im sure that they would do anything poss to help you.As i say its been 2 very long years for me and in a few moths i will be lighting a candel for my steep mum and hopeing that shes found peace, but you never get over it and believe me it hurts so bad to be left behind.

Feel free to pm me if you want or im you want to go in to the chat sometime then just let me know,there are ppl out there thinking about you so dont ever feel that your alone.

Sorry for the essay,just wanted to offer you some support

God bless

 

[Kelson12]

buttercup,

Wow...I really appreciate the reply. Honestly, I have ups and downs. There are weeks that go by where I enjoy my life and everything. But there are also weeks where I want to die, like right now. Yes, I have a very supportive family, a good amount of friends who are supportive, etc. I see a psychiatrist every week and am on Zoloft. But I have been dealing with this on and off for over 5 years. And it hurts bad. My life feels like it is slowly slipping away. It's hard enough feeling like this, but it makes it even harder knowing that no one understands how I am feeling and understand why it has been lasting this long. Specially when from the outside looking in, my life appears to be normal as anything.

Kelson

 

[rainboteers]

Oh please hang in there! I have felt that desperate before, but you WILL get through this. There will be a day when this is all behind you and you don't want to miss out on that wonderful day.
Please read this. It helped me once.
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

 

[bat]

hi kelson

sorry to hear things aren't easing for you yet. they will given some time.
i know what it's like acting as normal with no-one knowing you're in mental horror but, in a way, i think this helps in recovery. i think being treated and acting 'normal' helps

 

[Kelson12]

Thanks.

PDR...I was feeling pretty good for about three weeks. It was a really good three weeks too, so I know it is possible, it's just that when I feel like this it soooooo hard to imagine ever feeling better! But I will definitely let you all know when I do feel better. Take care.

Kelson

 

[buttercup]

kelson

your very welcome its not a prob really just hope that you managed to get something from it its fair to say that i have been though a fair amount of s*it but im very thankfull that im still here today and i hope that you are to.I get huge ups and down but i find that i really appreicate the ups when they come by.

im glad to hear that you have a supportive family with, out going in to to much detial i wish that i could say the same but we can only deal with what we are given so for that i am grateful.

I have to see a shrink but thats the price you pay for wanting out of this world.Some days are good some are hell but it has to be worth the fight.
im not saying that my life is good by any means but its the hand i got delt and ijust try to make the best of it that i can if you see where im coming from????

Its so true the outside world knows nothing of the pain and suffering that goes on in your head and your heart everyday but i do understand and can relate where you are comeing from so NEVER fell that your all alone there is always someone out there that is in a similar position me for a start.

I hope that you do manage to find some peace in your head and your heart and that you will regain some of the brightness back in your life real soon.

Take care *hugs*

 

[g-funk]

Hi Kelson

Sorry you're feeling so crap at the moment.

All I can say is, it is worth every ounce of fighting for, you will find balance of mind. It's amazing how everything can seem totally different when you've got the negative state of mind firmly in place. We can't seem to remember how we felt before, it seems impossible. And vice versa when we are feeling better. I always remind myself of this fact, that things will seem out of proportion, and that it is entirely possible to see the world in a positive view.

It will take time before the good times outweigh the bad, but it will happen and you will learn from your setbacks. You never become irreparable.

Not having 'tangible' worries is confusing, since we just have no idea what the problem revolves around. Hence the endless search for why, why am I like this? Ironically, I find that getting myself a heap of proper, adult life worries brings me out of myself.

 

[university girl]

Kelson, how about a med change or counselling? Tell your psych how hard it is for you these days if you haven't already.

 

[Kelson12]

Kelson, how about a med change or counselling? Tell your psych how hard it is for you these days if you haven't already.

What I really need to be doing is stopping the alcohol completely. It's not helping at all.

 

[Guest]

Kelson I can so relate to how you feel.

I've always said it's not the quantity of our lives but the quality that counts and sometimes when dp is extreme the quality is very very poor.
It's so damn difficult to switch our head space from doing ok and feeling ok to feeling like you just can't take another minute of this crap.
The peaks and troughs can be so difficult to accept.

Personally I think it's part of human nature that when things are going well we want to believe it will continue,we dare not think of those other dark hopeless days for fear they may return.
When they do return, usually out of the blue its like "oh my Gawd"what is this some sort of horror movie.It's our worst nightmare and there seems no end in sight.
We become afraid to have hope.Like the song says"Im all out of faith".

I don't have any great words of wisdom.
All I know is what history thus far has shown me over the course of this nasty condition.
When I think I'm going to be stuck in a dp rut forever I try to remember past bouts when I either slowly or suddenly had it ease off enough to have a half a life.
Naturally it's different for everyone,my down times last anything from a week to a couple of months.
When my dp is bad I step back from commitments and outings as I've found pushing myself doesn't make it go away.
The pain of enduring a horrid experience when out is not worth it,yeah sure I might survive it but at what price?No and it doesn't always make me stronger.
As everyone suggested for the time being hang in there,do what you feel you can do.
Life has a way of changing,its one thing we can be certain of.

All the best Shelly

 

[Kelson12]

^^^Shelly....great post. Thanks. I know I just need to keep pushing through. I am taking a half day from work tomorrow. Mainly cause I need to work on some school work, but also cause I just need a break. Sometimes I do tend to push myself too much. I tend to get down on myself if I miss a day of working out or if I were to miss work. It's just how I am. But I also need to know that resting and sleeping will help me feel better. Thanks again for the nice post. Take care.

Kelson

 

[ShyTiger]

Hey Kelson,
I related very much to your post. Particully the no one knowing and putting on a front of everythings ok. I had been doing this and eventully just could not do it anymore so printed out some dp and panic stuff and showed it to my mum. Then told close friends and co-workers. I was amazed at how supportive people were. I found it too hard to deal with dp and on top of that trying to cover up the dp, i just didn't have the energy for it. Now when im really struggling i just say im struggling today. It does open up the fact that there will be people who dont understand but i found that those who didn't understand would either leave me alone or try and support me anyway. It has been a relief.
Also when im feeling like i just can't go on and dont want to live if it means having to live like i am, i keep reminding myself that im thinking with a dp head and that i am not looking at life in a healthy way. That there will be better days and that suicide is not an option, recovery is. These are just things that have helped me and i hope you may get something from it.
ps.dont be too hard on yourself, you do the best you can with where your at.

 

[Martinelv]

Kelson buddy - you have strength in you, I can tell. By the mere fact that you still function (however hard it is), work, etc, is a step on the road to recovery. Sure, like you say, I'm sure you feel like giving up - the torment is to much, but this will pass....I'm promise. You are young, you have enough reserves to ride this horror out. Everything you are doing is correct...continuing with your life, sticking two fingers u to your illness...and if you continute doing that, I promise it will fade, and you'll realise how delicious the reality is.

I understand....nobody understands how this feel....nobody except the people on this board. The reasons are understandable...because we have no overt physical symptoms. But we are all in the same boat, and we do know how you feel mate. Hang in buddy...it's not a life sentence. I am testiment to that.

In some people - DR/DP just seems to get 'bored' after years of torment, for wont of a better word, and sulks away to the foul pit that it came from. I pray that you're does too.

 

[Guest]

When I read your thing, I felt, wow, he's taking the words right out of my mouth. I just signed up with this forum and I didn't realize how much support it would be! I feel like I have hope now because I am not the only one suffering! Thanks for your post. I totally understand. My biggest fear in life is that I will have to pretend all the time. No one can really understand what is going on inside. Sometimes it seems as if I have to pretend in order to function, but I hate it! I had to leave college three months ago because my depression and dp were getting out of control. It has definitely been a roller coaster ride since then. I have felt what it's like to want to die. I was pretty close to trying it a few times. Sometimes I feel as if there's no hope that things will change. But at least I have this as an outlet. I appreciate your honesty. Keep going. There are people that understand.