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No more DPD but strong emotional numbness (long story)

1219 Views 4 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  dissoziation
I was a member of this site in 2014. DPD hit me like a truck at that time and I had prior episodes of it a couple of years before but never as strong and persistent as what occurred in 2014. I had a series of panic attacks which were severe at the start of that year and though they stopped in May I was left in a seemingly permanent Depersonalized state. I felt like I was in a dream, felt detached from my own organs, had visual impairment, couldn't take bright lights. And oh boy, was it absolutely terrifying!

Now I can't even remember the name of or even the email attached to my old account but I know I practically lived on this site and was scared out of my mind. My DPD lifted in early 2015 and I stopped posting here. But I was left with a strong depression and impaired long term memory after that ordeal. I started to experience ''strong'' emotions in 2015 as well, as though my mind had woken up from a dream (and the year before I felt as thought I was in a dream with the DPD symptoms). I was argumentative, sad, angry, insecure, jealous (of other people) and generally unreasonable. I could flip out quite easily at people. This is what lead me to feel suicidal and hopeless. But at that time I still had heightened emotions and was far from numb.

All these years later this is what I notice. In the last two years I have become very numb. I don't feel detached from reality, I feel attached to reality now but it all feels as though things are overly routine and every day is nearly the same. Things that used to frighten and up set me I have no reaction to. Or no proper reaction to. It's as though I can no longer CARE about anything even though I want to care, the emotions like love and fear are not coming through. Generally being in this state of mind would be a sign that my DPD may be returning, but I've honestly seen no sign of it.

Even things that would make me worry before are not really pressing me properly. Even two years back I was really worried about money, and had persistent thoughts about job loss and losing everything. It stuck a deep fear in me and though it did not induce ant DPD or panic attacks it did give me sleepless nights. Now I seem to be spending a lot of money on a bunch of junk that I can't afford to feel ''good'' and I'm not encountering thoughts of financial worries or fear like before. I'm just... numb. I'm hardened like some kind of shell. What the Hell is happening to me?
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