Joined
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1 Posts
Good day to you all!
I'm taking a moment to write these meaningfull words for anyone curious enough to listen. I suffered from DP from an early age, it started when i was about 15 years old and i believe it was the scariest thing to have experienced at such a young age. The world as i saw it lacked in color/vibrance, the sounds were muffled, my friends and family seemed like strangers in a backdrop of washed out colors, and yet not a single word i said to them seemed like my own. This lasted for quite a while (about 12 months). I was eventually put on medication (zyprexa and zololft), saw a shrink for double that time until she finally decided i was ready to face the world again with a smile. Soon after the DP subsided and my 17th birthday was aproaching, i felt i was entering manhood with alot more knowlegde about the world and myself, i had dreams i needed to chase and DP was just a short bump in the road or maybe even a detour that ended up putting me in the right path. The day after my birthday i received unfortunate news, my father was diagnosed with stomach cancer (from years of bad eating and not taking sufficient care of his own health). Me and my father never got along that much but i remember what he used to do for me during those many nights of terrible insomnia. He took me driving along the coast in the middle of the night (because the motion of the car moving forward used to make me drowsy). I remember one night we stopped all of a sudden and he told me to go walk to the edge of one of the cliffs, it was almost morning and the sun was slowly rising over the horizon. He told me, "Son, look at the horizon. When i was your age and i used to feel anxious about stuff i used to look at the horizon and think, thats where the world ends, thats where my problems end". I remember at the time my fathers words fell on deaf ears, but today those words still echoe in my mind for some reason. My father passed away two weeks after my 17th birthday. After that i slowly fell into an open ended life where alcohol and weed were my closest friends. This all culminated in my second encounter with DP at the age of 19, but this time i was told it was slightly worse, i had my first psicotic break that left me in a delusioned state for about 8 months. That plus the DP was a beast i wasnt sure i could slay on my own. My mind attacked me from both sides, i didnt feel uncomfortable talking to people i felt literally scared to death of letting out a single word. I didnt talk for months, except for the few occasions i needed to visit the psychiatrist. All this happened while i was miles away from my mother and sister who sent me to live with my uncle and grandmother on the other side of the world. Home wasnt a place in my mind anymore, i was alone and broken, not because of the DP or the psicosis though, but because i had let down so many people i loved, including myself. Because i let myself be weak in their eyes. Although i was fighting the most vicious battle in my own head i know now that it was a battle only my fellow brothers of war could understand. Unfortunatly there is no glory in having conquered a disease of the mind, people will commend you on the smile on your face and the gleam in your eyes once its over, but i believe that that is the real medal we all deserve in the end.
Today i'm 22 years old, i've finnaly been able to grow a mustache i think my own dad would be jealous of ahah
And also, i'm enroled in one of the top colleges of the country, studying the very thing i used to dream about as a kid. I'm also learning to write songs and people seem to like it.
I wanted to come back to this forum the first time i got over DP but i really just wanted to forget about it and move on, but i felt i owed this community more than anyone in this world for having given me some hope in times of great distress. My advice to all of you is, with all honesty, to keep living on with your lives, take a walk, find ways to force yourselves out of the house and meet new people, i remember when i was forced into conversations with strangers and i felt like my only option was to try and impress this person so that he/she wouldnt think im weird. This wont work with friends and family of course because you feel comfortable just being depressed around them. Also, look into Lamictal/Lamotrigine, that helped clear me up quite a bit, but it wouldnt have done anything if i hadnt taken the step towards healing in the first place.
You are all in my prayers, please have faith and dont ever give up! You too will see the sun over the horizon and believe all your problems end at that line.
I'm taking a moment to write these meaningfull words for anyone curious enough to listen. I suffered from DP from an early age, it started when i was about 15 years old and i believe it was the scariest thing to have experienced at such a young age. The world as i saw it lacked in color/vibrance, the sounds were muffled, my friends and family seemed like strangers in a backdrop of washed out colors, and yet not a single word i said to them seemed like my own. This lasted for quite a while (about 12 months). I was eventually put on medication (zyprexa and zololft), saw a shrink for double that time until she finally decided i was ready to face the world again with a smile. Soon after the DP subsided and my 17th birthday was aproaching, i felt i was entering manhood with alot more knowlegde about the world and myself, i had dreams i needed to chase and DP was just a short bump in the road or maybe even a detour that ended up putting me in the right path. The day after my birthday i received unfortunate news, my father was diagnosed with stomach cancer (from years of bad eating and not taking sufficient care of his own health). Me and my father never got along that much but i remember what he used to do for me during those many nights of terrible insomnia. He took me driving along the coast in the middle of the night (because the motion of the car moving forward used to make me drowsy). I remember one night we stopped all of a sudden and he told me to go walk to the edge of one of the cliffs, it was almost morning and the sun was slowly rising over the horizon. He told me, "Son, look at the horizon. When i was your age and i used to feel anxious about stuff i used to look at the horizon and think, thats where the world ends, thats where my problems end". I remember at the time my fathers words fell on deaf ears, but today those words still echoe in my mind for some reason. My father passed away two weeks after my 17th birthday. After that i slowly fell into an open ended life where alcohol and weed were my closest friends. This all culminated in my second encounter with DP at the age of 19, but this time i was told it was slightly worse, i had my first psicotic break that left me in a delusioned state for about 8 months. That plus the DP was a beast i wasnt sure i could slay on my own. My mind attacked me from both sides, i didnt feel uncomfortable talking to people i felt literally scared to death of letting out a single word. I didnt talk for months, except for the few occasions i needed to visit the psychiatrist. All this happened while i was miles away from my mother and sister who sent me to live with my uncle and grandmother on the other side of the world. Home wasnt a place in my mind anymore, i was alone and broken, not because of the DP or the psicosis though, but because i had let down so many people i loved, including myself. Because i let myself be weak in their eyes. Although i was fighting the most vicious battle in my own head i know now that it was a battle only my fellow brothers of war could understand. Unfortunatly there is no glory in having conquered a disease of the mind, people will commend you on the smile on your face and the gleam in your eyes once its over, but i believe that that is the real medal we all deserve in the end.
Today i'm 22 years old, i've finnaly been able to grow a mustache i think my own dad would be jealous of ahah
And also, i'm enroled in one of the top colleges of the country, studying the very thing i used to dream about as a kid. I'm also learning to write songs and people seem to like it.
I wanted to come back to this forum the first time i got over DP but i really just wanted to forget about it and move on, but i felt i owed this community more than anyone in this world for having given me some hope in times of great distress. My advice to all of you is, with all honesty, to keep living on with your lives, take a walk, find ways to force yourselves out of the house and meet new people, i remember when i was forced into conversations with strangers and i felt like my only option was to try and impress this person so that he/she wouldnt think im weird. This wont work with friends and family of course because you feel comfortable just being depressed around them. Also, look into Lamictal/Lamotrigine, that helped clear me up quite a bit, but it wouldnt have done anything if i hadnt taken the step towards healing in the first place.
You are all in my prayers, please have faith and dont ever give up! You too will see the sun over the horizon and believe all your problems end at that line.
