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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have experienced DP/DR now for fifteen years, and it takes one year more with depersonalization than without it, as I'm currently 29-yr-old. My DP/DR started, when I was 14-yr-old - some mornings I noticed a feeling, like I was still asleep while awake. In the beginning I could count on the fact that next morning I would feel things normally again, cuz at first the unreal feeling either diminished during the day or diasppeared for the next morning. But after some time it happened that the isolated feeling (like I had invisible icy walls around me) became persistent, and I could do nothing to get it disappear. A couple of first years with DP/DR were quite unpleasant, and I read all the stuff in the library that might help my condition (e.g. psychological literature, Zen buddhism...)

After some time I finally started doubting that maybe I have just imagined this isolating icy wall surrounding me and this was my normal state, which has always been like that. But finally I knew my doubts were wrong because of one wierd experience alone in nature, when I was 17 years. It had rained, and there was a little pool in the street. Just for my amusement I started washing my face in that pool, at the same time suggesting myself that I was still 4-yr-old at my grandparents' farm, and everything else after that was just a grey, dismal dream. And a miracle happened - for a fleeting moment I was totally there without any icy wall! The "flash" lasted only about two seconds, but it was enough to remind me that life had been different for me in my past and I really suffer depersonalization, haven't just imagined it.

After that I have experienced only one similar kind of flash moment, in which I have felt life totally real without DP/DR - I was 24 years and was candyflipping (i.e. dropping Ecstasy and LSD) with my boyfriend and his friend in nature. Somehow for a fleeting moment I felt the other guys weren't threatening and was able to experience life without the icy wall - but only for a couple of seconds' time again, no longer. After that the icy wall returned, and though I experienced many beautiful things on the trip, e.g. hundreds of migrating ladybirds lieing on the sea shore, I didn't experience any other true moment.

When I was younger, I got severe depression because of DP/DR, and have experienced also unpleasant things about six years ago, which gave me PTSD (my former boyfriend beat me many times and still I lived with him for a year). That's why I got acute psychotic breakdown, which was diagnosed Borderline. It was such a lucky thing I happened to get right meds, and because of antidepressant Remeron 30 mg (mirtazapin) I finally could say I didn't suffer depression anymore. Also I was prescribed antipsychotic Peratsin (perphenazine) which lifted me from psychosis. Later I got extrapyramidal side effects cuz of Peratsin, and the med was changed to Zyprexa 10 mg (olanzapine). Some years before the psychotic breakdown I had tried antidepressants Aurorix (moclobemide) and Fluoxetin Generics (fluoxetin), but they were of no help for my depression.

I could say Remeron saved my life, as I am no longer depressed and can study well without difficulties at the moment. Though the meds haven't affected in no way to my constant feeling of DP/DR, which never wears off, but it doesn't disturb me anymore like it did when I was younger. I have somehow used to this unreal feeling, and although I know there would be a different way to feel life, it doesn't bother me anymore. Currently I'm seeking for psychotherapy via Finnish Student Health Service, I'm looking forward it, cuz I hope if it might help with my childhood issues, which I think are the main cause for my DP/DR (I was constantly mocked during my comprehensive school time and also my mother was practically alcoholic, when I was 6-9-yr-old). Let's see...

I don't feel I should need to find a way out of depersonalization anymore, because I can live with it nowadays. I enjoy dancing at rave parties, drawing and planning my scifi comic, my boyfriend's (and our cute cavies' :) ) company and studying. Although there's always that invisible wall separating me from my surroundings, it doesn't block me from feeling happiness. Of course it would be wonderful if I someday would become DP/DR free - that would be one of the best things that might ever happen to me. But I have learned to live with DP/DR, and I have come to the conclusion that I will live like it would be always in my life, but don't let it bother me anymore. I guess this is the best thing to do, because in that case I have everything to win but nothing to lose in this issue.
 
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You have a brave story indeed! I know that I still have a sense that the dp/dr are with me. It's as if, after the baby was born, every thing changed. But it was so bad in the beginning that I wonder if this is how I've always felt or if I am still in a dream state kind of or if it is the effect of the Zoloft. I am pretty darn happy and doing well dispite any symptoms that may or maynot still be lingering. I can relate!

Carla
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi Carla, thanks for your reply! Like you I think that DP, if having a condition, which is not very severe, doesn't block you from feeling happiness and other positive emotions in life. As many people are suffering quite badly here in this forum, I guess maybe my condition of DP/DR isn't too severe, although I know cuz of those two fleeting real moments (which I told in my story post) that if I experience the world without any trace of DP/DR it feels altogether different than my everyday state of mind.

There's something I didn't write in my original story that I want to add here - I like dancing at rave parties very much, especially those that are arranged in forests during summertime. I never use any drugs/alcohol when going to dancing and there is one incredible thing about the mornings. When the Sun starts rising and I am dancing, almost everytime I feel that my DP/DR icy wall melts a bit, sometimes I feel the world almost as I did as a child. I have used to think it is possible that I will never fully recover from DP/DR, but those magical moments are brilliant.
 
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Ninnu,

I have to ask, what is a Rave party? Sounds very interesting! I know that when I am outside and experiencing the dp/dr, I have moments of being able to be childlike and innocent like a childs mind. It's like I get a second chance to look at the world through childs eyes again. Thank you so much for reminding me that it isn't all bad.

Carla
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Rave parties are parties, where people gather dancing together along techno music. Here in Finland they are often arranged in the forests near the capital city area during summertime. I remember one forest party, when the dj who was playing music on the morning played a very popular Finnish children's song "El?m?? suomalaismetsiss?" (Life in Finnish Forests) by singer/songwriter Mikko Alatalo. It was a perfect choice - it was so wonderful to hear that song about different forest animals after a many many years' break, as last time I had heard that song as a child. :D
 
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Sounds wonderful!!! It figures that Finland would have such an amazing event! I'd love to hear the song, even though I wouldn't understand the words.

Carla
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Yay, it would be fun! Indeed I could come to Spain someday, cuz my boyfriend likes the country. We have a small tradition driving to Lapland (North Finland, North Norway) every summer, but we could also go to South Europe... By car it might be real fun too see Central Europe too, but it may be a bit too time-taking - especially cuz I do not own a driving licence myself and that's why my boyfriend should drive the car during the whole journey - so I guess taking a plane to Spain might be better way to arrive to the shore of Mediterranean Sea. I'll keep your invitation in my mind! :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Yay, it would be fun! Indeed I could come to Spain someday, cuz my boyfriend likes the country. We have a small tradition driving to Lapland (North Finland, North Norway) every summer, but we could also go to South Europe... By car it might be real fun too see Central Europe too, but it may be a bit too time-taking - especially cuz I do not own a driving licence myself and that's why my boyfriend should drive the car during the whole journey - so I guess taking a plane to Spain might be better way to arrive to the shore of Mediterranean Sea. I'll keep your invitation in my mind! :)
 
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