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I’m 31 years old and live in the UK.
I’ve always had a panic disorder and with it comes the depression and vicious cycle. I have had thanataphobia for as long as I can remember and that in turn makes the cycle harder to break.
During panic attacks I have the feelings that the world isn’t real, I don’t know what life is, and get all philosophical in feelings.
Recently I’ve tried cannabis and I’m at the point where I think I regret doing so because I’ve in turn experienced the most intense and terrifying panic attacks I’ve ever had in my life. I have total amnesia: it feels like I didn’t exist until that very moment and then I freak out because I don’t understand what I am, what’s a human? What’s going on? How did I get here? I can understand questions and will respond while knowing the answer but I don’t know HOW I know the answer. Everything is slow. I can’t feel my body. My mouth is numb and I can’t feel or taste liquids.
My body doesn’t feel like I’m part of it. I feel like my consciousness is separated.
And it’s terrifying.
And I don’t understand what’s going on.
How can I forget what life is and what a human is? Not even in a philosophical sense- I mean literally I have no memory of anything until that moment in time I’m panicking in a drug induced panic attack. There’s no past or future- it’s the present second.
I’ve used cannabis once and hash twice and experienced my second freak out last night and today I can’t shake the intense DP I’m experiencing.
 

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My goodness me, sounds like your have an horrific time of it. It sounds like what I experience.
When trying to explain it to someone, I said go up close to a large mirror, and look around in the reflection. Not necessarily at yourself.
What you see, is a world that looks incredibly familiar, but not real. Fucking scary.
I used to close my eyes in bed with my quilt on me, and imagine I was being smothered by it.
I was freaking out all the time.20 years later lol,
It’s not much different. There is so little help out there, but luckily enough, I went to a DP hospital to see Dr Hunter who is an expert.
Maybe you could seek her out?
 
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