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Newbie and looking for answers

576 Views 1 Reply 2 Participants Last post by  ThoughtOnFire
Hi everyone ! So I've been a lurker for the past 3 months on here. I want to tell my story. This isn't a recovery story unfortunately. So almost 4 months ago I woke up in the middle of the night feeling weird. I usually wake up in the middle of the night though to go to the bathroom. This time was different, I woke up feeling weird and I guess it was a panic attack? I've had anxiety for years prior to this, but never this bad. I will say, however, I had DP/DR for almost two weeks a few years ago. I used to smoke weird most of my senior year. Then I tried wax, 3 times to be exact, and the first time afterwards I was fine after I slept. The second time, I had it for about two weeks but I conditioned with my normal life. Never had any existential thoughts. Third time, I slept it off. Never smoked ever again after that. So I was always in the fitness world. Worked at a gym during that time, worked there for 4 years.

So the month before I got DP I moved into a new apartment and got a new job. Was so excited about everything and life. Also I've had a boyfriend since July. My first serious relationship too. He was basically always with me whenever we weren't working or I was working out. I've always had anxiety where I would care how I looked. If I hair was out of place, I would freak out. If I looked "fat" or I thought I did in an outfit I would freak out and be mega insecure. Always fixing how my clothes looked on me. So fast forward a week before I go to DP. A very close family friend of mine passed away from cancer. Now mind you, I've always been good when it comes to funerals. I mean someone I guess who doesn't grieve like others do or I do it at my own time. So I went to the wake and funeral. My dad, who I don't have a close relationship with who I haven't seen in two years, was there both days. We talked the first day but the second he barely said anything to me. He's basically full of empty promises to grab dinner. But work and his new family are more important apparently.

Anyways, a couple days after all of this, I woke up inthe middle of the night randomly night feeling so weird and confused. Then I just thought I'd sleep it off. Nope, wasn't that easy. I still felt crappy and wasn't like what's a wrong with me. Then I'm like I know what this is I've hand this before. So I mean like whatever I'll just ignore it. But I started getting pressured headaches, overthinking EVERYTHING. Words, numbers, why are we here. You know, your typical existential questions and I was a cares because I've never thought these things ever in my life. Like I've had a convo with a friend before asking "do you ever wonder which came up with the word chair?" I'm like nooooo we'll prob drive ourselves insane. And i never thought about it again, until now. So I continued at my new job, trying to distract myself. At this job I hadn't a lot of free time to think of these things when i wasn't making a sale or doing makeup on someone. I was having mini panic attacks to work, crying nonstop.

Then 2 month starts later I got a sick with the double on top of all of this. Wonderful. Felt like total crap, and I went to an urgent care and said I had an upper respiratory infection. So I stayed for home from work as long as I can could, until I had to go back. And decided I'm not going back. Quit basically over text and blocked my boss right after that. You have no idea how heartbroken I was to leave that job. I thought I could be having a new beginning in the makeup industry, make money, be successful, and land new clients. Nope.

Sooooo for the time being I stayed home. Did nothing but look up every single recovery story and googling all of my questions which put me down a deep, dark hole of no return. Yup, I'm still sitting in bed in my dark room basically every single day. But I've been out here and there.

It destroys me because the person I am, or was, was always saying how I was so "high on life," was a gym rat and obsessed with gaining muscle and setting new PR's, obsessed with being a boss girl, and had a sarcastic sense of humor. Now I feel like I either know too much and miserable or this sick DP causes all of this.

So I finally went tot he doctors in the beginning of the month for a blood test, everything came back fine except low vitamin d levels. So I've been taking that for a couple week. Then I'm like I need to see a neurologist. Never been to one, apparently I got a really good doc who specializes in MS, and he actually looks the part of a nerdy doc guy. He did an exam, and the part I was SO afraid of was checking the eyes because the eyes can basically see everything. And he said everything looks "normal." I'm like OMG yes it's just DP, and he said I have tension headaches and to take some strong headache medication which I haven't taken lol. I was happy for a few hours, went to the mall with the bf, then I was like... maybe I still need a CT or MRI though. Freaked out, still currently freaking out lol. But he said he really doesn't think it's necessary at all.

So the past week now, I've been getting such bad pressure in my face, around my eyes, back of my head and back of my ears, middle of my forehead, nose, my left ear hurts, my neck hurts. I'm like ... WTF is going on. Seriously. I feel like I'm going insane. Between the symptoms, not feeling real and so light, overthinking, my life has gone down the toilet. So I'm assuming the pressure has to do with sinuses? The past couple of years I've had a random sore threat every once in awhile, and my nose always has been dripping. So maybe this all led up to my sinuses getting worse and worse and since I didn't treat it this happened? Could it be anxiety/trauma? I have absolutely no clue. But I'm scarred and can't look at life the same. I feel so detached, it hurts. Sorry this is so long. I just need answers. Ugh. Some people recover from vitamins, doing a nasal rinse, anxiety medications which I'm so against. I just need answers. So hard to ignore this when it's with me 24/7. The only time I feel normal is when I sleep. UGH. I feel like I'll never be able to enjoy life again. I'm so miserable. So ... un-me.
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