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856 Views 4 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  widescreened
I really just need someone who can relate to what I'm feeling. I think this is a good place to start.

I've never been to a psychiatrist, but I'm pretty sure I'm the textbook definition of dp/dr... I think...

My personal experience is hard to explain because I always saw the way I felt as more philosophical. When things became very unpleasant, I started viewing it as a disease. II've been in Hell for about 8 months.

I'm sorry if this is hard to understand, its going to be extremely difficult to explain.

My worst symptoms include:
-total absence of detectable thought, a feeling like I'm not really thinking at all, when I speak I sometimes surprise myself because I don't remember having the thoughts that seem so well formed (this, to me, is the most disturbing)
-a feeling of timelessness
-confused chronology
-memory loss: not thinking about really significant events in my life and not remembering insignificant details either.. very poor short term memory (I would have trouble remembering what I did yesterday... it might be impossible)
-disjointed, fragmented thought
-difficulty with articulation, forgetting words
-severe difficulty concentrating: reading, watching movies, conversation
-severe and chronic depression, living day-to-day in a strange and apathetic fashion
-no sense of identity
-detachment from everyone, a barrier between me and everyone else
-feeling socially enept
-detachment from those close to me: feeling like my parents are strangers, even though I obviously know this is not true
-fear of my surroundings, everything appearing surreal.
-a feeling like my thoughts are separate from my body, like they are floating in close vicinity to it, but disconnected from it
-feeling numb and uncaring
-feeling indifferent to the prospect of relationships and friendships, but feeling constantly like I should care and should be attempting to "make a life" for myself
-missing myself
-a feeling like my thoughts and perspectives have been cut into pieces and scattered, no continuitiy in my mind (visual perspective seems to fluctuate in some way I can't describe, too)
-a vague detachment from my body, a strong detachment from "myself"
-feeling like the walking dead

Other symptoms:
-occassionally seeing things out of the corner of my eye
-a feeling of impending doom, without direction
-severe social anxiety mostly because I know I have nothing to say
-constantly questioning the meaning of life
-difficulty falling asleep
-waking up confused, practically forgetting who I am
-a feeling that the person I see in the mirror is a stranger, feeling amazed at the connection, "That's me" (this happened sporadically throughout childhood too)
-increased surreal effect when in dim lighting, flourescent lights and under street lights
-constantly fluctuating superiority/inferiority complex: am I mentally retarded or am I a genius? :sometimes it seems like its a fine line.
-new disinterest in romanticrelationships, but remaining pain from past ones

Its worse at night and when sleep-deprived. Depersonalization is worse around people, derealization when alone.

I know I'm forgetting something... but I guess that's enough for now.

I'm scared to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I need tips on how to deal with them and what to tell them. My insurance has informed me that my parents wouldn't find out, but I'm really paranoid about it. My sister was diagnosed with schizophrenia this year and I don't want to lay anymore guilt on them.. having two "crazy" children. I won't change my mind and I think I can do this on my own. But I'm worried they will find out somehow. I couldn't live with myself if that happened. But I feel right now that I'm not living at all.

I can't believe that some people live so long with this disease. Its such Hell. The only way I can accept it is by submerging myself in books and movies, intense multitasking and not thinking about the future. And accepting the fact that I guess I'm not meant to be happy.

Also, are there any (type 1) diabetics in this community? I'm curious about the effects of psychiatric drugs - I know some can mess with weight, in which case, I probably couldn't take any.

Any comments would be sooo much appreciated. I've been living with this in my own private Hell for so long. I didn't want to invite anyone in, but you guys are already here?
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I find my memory is short and as a result my vocab is short too. I find myself stumbling to find adj. to describe things.
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