[daniellelee]

Hello everyone. I was just diagnosed with this disorder. I always knew there was something wrong, but I didn't know exactly what it was. I am a new mother and 43yrs old. I feel like I am of course two different people and feel like I am always battling myself. I always feel like I am in survivor mode. I have started to do things that are beyond dangerous to my health. I always hated alcohol, but then these last 12 months I have become an alcoholic to try and not feel the mental pain. I have started to drink so bad to where I was drinking a bottle of vodka a day and blacking out. How can someone do this if they have a 16month old COVID baby? What is wrong with me??? I feel like I am alone and am always scared. I did stop the drinking and started meds 2 weeks ago, but I still feel like I am just alone and no one understands me.

 

[AnnaGiulia]

Hey daniellelee, welcome to the forum. It seems like you are in a difficult spot, but you are fighting to get better, and that is the most important thing rn. There has to be a reason as to why you are feeling the way you do, and the chances are that the birth of your baby and the pandemic were the trigger for some very old pain to come through, and that you felt overwhelmed by it all. Try to get help around your baby, from the people who care about you and whom you trust, so that you can focus on your own recovery. It sounds to me that you've already found some psychological support, as you mentioned dx and meds, and that is great. I know that the recovery seems a thousand miles away, and indeed it may take some time and even more effort, but it is possible to get out of this.
Take care, A.

 

[daniellelee]

Hey daniellelee, welcome to the forum. It seems like you are in a difficult spot, but you are fighting to get better, and that is the most important thing rn. There has to be a reason as to why you are feeling the way you do, and the chances are that the birth of your baby and the pandemic were the trigger for some very old pain to come through and that you felt overwhelmed by it all. Try to get help around your baby, from the people who care about you and whom you trust, so that you can focus on your own recovery. It sounds to me that you've already found some psychological support, as you mentioned dx and meds, and that is great. I know that the recovery seems a thousand miles away, and indeed it may take some time and even more effort, but it is possible to get out of this.
Take care, A.

Hello A, Thank you so very much for your kind words and support. Yes, I agree with something that hit me when I had my son during the pandemic. I think it was just so overwhelming with finally having someone dependent on me for the first time in my life after having no one for 41yrs. I also am with a man that I feel stuck with and we also take care of his father which is 100% disabled with MS at 86yrs and lives with us full time. So it's like there are two kids. I work from home full-time and take care of both while he doesn't really do anything. I do all the house stuff, errands, etc. I just feel like I am just so overwhelmed and used up. I am working on the help with seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and of course the pills. I have stopped drinking, which is a factor as well. This week was my first week with no alcohol and honestly, it feels great. I am reading a self-help book and am talking to family that loves me.

 

[AnnaGiulia]

You are welcome, daniellelee. I am sorry you found yourself under a lot of pressure at home - it must have been, and probably still is very difficult. However, you did manage to make those important first steps to getting better, which is really great. Be patient and kind to yourself.
Best,
A.