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Hi there guys, um... It's about 2:25AM here where I am.. I'd just experienced a bout of DP just moments ago.. I mean, I'm still sort of there I guess you could say.. But I think I'm just coming off from it, sort of... If that makes sense.

I suppose this is more of a venting thing than anything..? I just don't know where else to go or what to do right now.. I just, I feel like I need feedback on this, because I don't know what the hell is going on.

I never really thought about it, or tried to think about a word for what I was experiencing, so it never really mattered I guess.

First off, I'd like to apologize beforehand because I'm more than likely not going to make a whole lot of sense in some places here. My brain feels.. strange because of the dp I just had and I feel like a have total poobrain right now, so my thoughts are extremely unorganized and jumbled and I can't seem to think clearly.

But yes..

Tonight, for the first time in awhile, I had a really bad moment of dp and I came to realize, hey this isn't normal.. I've experienced this so many times before without realizing that it was dp, and just making myself feel like I was going crazy.

So.. I'm not really sure what else to say because my thoughts are all hazy and feel like they're stuck to the back of my head.

I actually just had a moment of "..what am I doing..? What is this and what am I trying to do on here?" kind of thing, literally just now

I'm afraid it won't go away

I had disturbing, gruesome mental images and intrusive thoughts, so much that it upset me greatly when I managed to have a moment of reality. I thought of hurting my entire family right now, stab them in their sleep, etc.. I.. I had terrible thoughts of doing things (with a knife mind you) to my little brother while he slept, and hten doing things to my parents - and afterwards, cutting myself all over my skin.. Not killing myself, just cuts everywhere...I.. I'm sorry if that was a little.. ee..

I, um.. I was laying on my couch here in the dark by myself, just laying here browsing the sites I normally go on, when I sudden wave of indifference and meaninglessness hit me, so all I did was stop what I was doing, because I felt like I was bored, I didn't want to do it anymore, I laid my head down and simply laid there staring off at nothing, feeling like I got sucked into my head for a moment, with the intrusive thoughts and whatnot... It honestly took literally everything I had just to continue searching on here and looking, reading, just simply the act of seeing anything tired me, I didn't want to see anything at all. It got to the point where I felt like breaking down, because I was forcing myself to do this and to continue looking at the computer screen. I wanted nothing more than to lay my head down and stare off into the darkness - but I didn't even want to do that either, you know what I mean..? I don't and didn't want to do anything/don't know what I want to do.

I've had depression for as long as I can remember, so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it but..

I just feel really lost right now, and by lost I mean.. I guess it feels like the dp is coming back again.. I think I triggered it by thinking about it..? idk..

Oh gosh though.. I'm sorry about all that^^

I just don't know what to do or where to turn - this is/was the worst DP I've experienced before and I feel terrible and like I'm stuck in my head/in a cage.. I honestly don't know what I'm asking, I just feel the need to have feedback on the situation.. I honestly feel like I will be ridiculed or thought badly of because of this - I feel ridiculous, I just don't know why though.. It's terrible..
Any feedback though, if you could understand any of that (because it's totally understandable if you can't) because it was probably super jumbled and just all over the place

Anyway.. Before I ramble on again, yes - I've never asked for help on the matter before, so I don't know what I'm doing.. >.< yikes, I don't even know where this is supposed to go or if its okay to be putting this here or what, but yeah. ^ :???: I'm sorry for the massive, messed up, jumbled post here D: I just don't know what to do or think.. Any help would be great ;-;
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