[bfaye]

I haven't contributed here in a long time and that's because I have had zero desire to express myself. I am so far away from where I used to be. I've been on 100mg of Zoloft and the panic attacks have stopped completely over the past few months (thank Jesus) but my emotions have dwindled down to nothing. My psychiatrist prescribed Klonopin, which just made me feel kind of loopy. I'd rather not take it again and risk causing even more damage to my poor brain. Nothing matters to me anymore.....I don't so much have the feeling that "nothing is real" anymore because frankly, I just don't care. I don't really care about anything. I want to get better and that's all. I want to feel the love I have for my family and boyfriend. I want to feel sad when something bad happens and happy when something good happens. I don't want to have to make a conscious EFFORT to feel a certain way or think a certain way. I want to just be me again. I know everyone here is struggling with the same thing, and that's one of the only things keeping me sane. My head hurts from all of the thinking I've been doing about this today. I don't even worry about it like I used to. I just think and act. Nothing has meaning.