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1195 Views 2 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  Katieaw21
i want my life back. i’m 15 and am homeschooled as of 2 years ago. the dp episodes started happening a couple months ago. i don’t feel real, i can’t hear (can’t really anyways because i’m half deaf but still), i recognize nothing, it’s so terrifying. i never leave the house either. there was a good week like last month where i was good and i went to places with my mom, it was great, but then another episode hit. i was back to the bed, in the house. the most recent episode was in a car around easter and now i’m terrified to get in a car. i’ve been in a car since then. the first was to go to a doctors appointment that my mom said if i didn’t go to she would call the cops to take me to a mental hospital. :) that sucked. the next was last night. or i should say a few hours ago. i had a little anxiety while we were going to get ice cream and had an episode which wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. tomorrow i have to go to school for real, by myself, for 3 hours for school testing. i’ve been crying for a good 2 hours now. i am having so much anxiety about tomorrow. i know i’m going to have an episode AND an anxiety attack before and my moms going to be mean because she sick of how i act and i don’t blame her, how i act and my brain is so shit i feel bad that she has to deal with me on a daily basis. i don’t know what to do anymore. my uncle was murdered 3 years ago and i was very close to him. i was there when my grandparents and mother found out he was dead. my mom called my dad to pick me up and i don’t reallt talk to my dad so he ignored me. my siblings cried with me for hours. i can’t srop thinking about that night. everybody wants to ignore it and blame it on being depressed about the event but i have got to have ptsd. i live such a miserable life of mental illness. it is eating me up inside. i barely know myself anymore. dp made me develop depression to the point where i don’t eat, move, sleep. i can stare at a blank wall for a while and not feel a damn thing but me disassociating. i am so sad. i just want my life back. :( i want to live like a 15 year old :( i don’t want to be involuntaryily sent some place to stay. i’m scared
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I've had dp badly for 3 weeks and low key/ on and off 4-6 weeks ish before that. It got bad at weekends and got bad during the easter holidays. Going back to school was really scary because I thought it would feel awful and highlight how different I felt. But honestly it has helped things ( a little) I'm pretty shy and don't talk to many people, although it can feel horrible talking to people because you feel so isolated and disconnected from them it will improve things because you'll never improve if you don't get out of your mind. I hope things improve for you, that's a really tough thing you've experienced and are experiencing:/
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