i want my life back. i’m 15 and am homeschooled as of 2 years ago. the dp episodes started happening a couple months ago. i don’t feel real, i can’t hear (can’t really anyways because i’m half deaf but still), i recognize nothing, it’s so terrifying. i never leave the house either. there was a good week like last month where i was good and i went to places with my mom, it was great, but then another episode hit. i was back to the bed, in the house. the most recent episode was in a car around easter and now i’m terrified to get in a car. i’ve been in a car since then. the first was to go to a doctors appointment that my mom said if i didn’t go to she would call the cops to take me to a mental hospital.
that sucked. the next was last night. or i should say a few hours ago. i had a little anxiety while we were going to get ice cream and had an episode which wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. tomorrow i have to go to school for real, by myself, for 3 hours for school testing. i’ve been crying for a good 2 hours now. i am having so much anxiety about tomorrow. i know i’m going to have an episode AND an anxiety attack before and my moms going to be mean because she sick of how i act and i don’t blame her, how i act and my brain is so shit i feel bad that she has to deal with me on a daily basis. i don’t know what to do anymore. my uncle was murdered 3 years ago and i was very close to him. i was there when my grandparents and mother found out he was dead. my mom called my dad to pick me up and i don’t reallt talk to my dad so he ignored me. my siblings cried with me for hours. i can’t srop thinking about that night. everybody wants to ignore it and blame it on being depressed about the event but i have got to have ptsd. i live such a miserable life of mental illness. it is eating me up inside. i barely know myself anymore. dp made me develop depression to the point where i don’t eat, move, sleep. i can stare at a blank wall for a while and not feel a damn thing but me disassociating. i am so sad. i just want my life back.
i want to live like a 15 year old
i don’t want to be involuntaryily sent some place to stay. i’m scared