[Guest]

I randomly came across this page today after spending the last few weeks in this surreal state. I'm not exactly sure if I would be diagnosed with this condition, but from what I've read, it sounds a little too familiar.
I was physically abused by my parents up until I was about seventeen. I remember that when I was young and they were beating me, I would think, "It's okay. That's not your mother/father. It's a monster and you can float away because this isn't real." Sometimes it was like I was watching and pitying this poor child being hit. I would become numb and feel like I was floating, although that could have been from hyperventilation.
In school they diagnosed me with short term memory loss. I don't know if that's related to anything or not, it just has never made sense to me.
Recently I went out on a date with a boy I really liked. When he kissed me, I just sat there. It was almost like I hadn't been expecting to have to really interact, that I had just been watching.
I've been upset lately, due to fighting with my mother and other stressful events. A few nights ago I randomly decided to walk around our neighborhood at nearly midnight. I wasn't nervous about going alone in the dark, and it never occurred to me to tell someone anything. When I got back, my brother and sister were in a panic, thinking that something had happened. Even that did not really effect me. I remember seeing our lights on and thinking, "Maybe someone's looking for me." It didn't alarm me or anything.
I've also had incidents where I couldn't remember doing or not doing something and when I go back to check, I'm always surprised by the results.
For the past few years, I have been cutting, and bruising myself. It feels like if I can just focus on pain, then I'll feel more real, awake.
Does anything get better with this condition? I just feel so confused. If anyone can give me advice or anything, I would be grateful. Thank you.

 

[agentcooper]

hello and welcome...

that is quite a story. have you gotten any professional help? it sounds like you might be able to get rid of your depersonalization with therapy. from from what i've read on this forum, people either get dp/dr from drugs (either prescription or illegal) or from panic/depression/anxiety about current or past events. it seems to me that the people in the latter category do better with therapy to work through the initial cause of the dp.

good luck!

 

[Monkeydust]

I'm no expert, but I'm not gonna lie to you: what you have sounds like a more serious (or simply different) form of dissociation to regular DP.

I say this for two reasons:

1.You mention doing stuff that you're not sure you've done, and being surprised by the results. Most of us don't have that.

2. You also had childhood abuse, so thought that itself can cause DP, it's also a very common precipitator for other forms of dissociation.

You might have a mild form of Dissociative Identity Disorder. But, like I said, I really am not in a position to say.

All I can advise you to do is see a psychiatrist and get a diagnosis - then you can find out exactly what the problem is and how to treat it.

Monkeydust