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So, I guess this is my story on how i got DP.
It started back in 2012, which would mean it's already been 3 years of this living hell. I was only 16, barely. I remember the day it started - I was on a trip with school, and me and my friend were hanging out on the beach, lying on the sand in the evening when we noticed a really bright star in the sky that kept moving. For some reason, we firmly started believing it wasn't in fact a star, but an angel. I immidiately thought it was my loving cousin, who died not even a year beforehand. Her death shook me up pretty bad, and I ended up with anxiety and in therapy. That evening, I was feeling very tired and almost disoriented since we had spent an entire day travelling. Next morning when I woke up - nothing changed. Ever since that morning, I have been feeling exactly the same. I have changed 2 psychologists, none of them recognized I have DP (I self-diagnosed myself, being a psychology student and doing a lot of research on the subject). I haven't been in therapy at all for a year now. Every single day, I wake up, and as soon as I get out of bed, I become a robot, mechanically doing everything, washing my face, preparing food, all those things your average person is able to do without a problem. Not me. I live in constant fear of fainting because I'm lightheaded and dizzy all the time, my anxiety has been going on and off throughout the years, never really showing any true progress towards getting rid of it completely. I avoid any bright lights because of which my family makes fun of me since my bedroom is always completely dark. I like darkness because then I can't see objects clearly and only then do they not seem like I'm dreaming, blurred and so far away from me. I am most active during the night, when it's dark and quiet, and I get to feel at least a little bit normal. I am so sick of avoiding everyone and everything, because it's hard to look and really concentrate on anything, since it all seems so foggy and so far away. I hardly remember what are supposed to be my best years, my youth, because everything is simply covered in a haze. I tried explaining how I felt to my closest friends, but they basically ridiculed me or told me "it was all in my head". Well, apparently, it is, but that doesn't make it any less real. It's hard for me to read or study - words become just a bunch of letters very soon after I start, as my concentration is not nearly as it used to be. It pains me to see my grades in such a bad shape, considering I used to be an A student back when I was a kid. My concentration, my memory, my willingness to learn were in the best shape imaginable. I want that back.
So, that's my story. So far, it's been 3 years, and I hope I will cure this someday, because I really can't live like this anymore. This is no way to live my life.
It started back in 2012, which would mean it's already been 3 years of this living hell. I was only 16, barely. I remember the day it started - I was on a trip with school, and me and my friend were hanging out on the beach, lying on the sand in the evening when we noticed a really bright star in the sky that kept moving. For some reason, we firmly started believing it wasn't in fact a star, but an angel. I immidiately thought it was my loving cousin, who died not even a year beforehand. Her death shook me up pretty bad, and I ended up with anxiety and in therapy. That evening, I was feeling very tired and almost disoriented since we had spent an entire day travelling. Next morning when I woke up - nothing changed. Ever since that morning, I have been feeling exactly the same. I have changed 2 psychologists, none of them recognized I have DP (I self-diagnosed myself, being a psychology student and doing a lot of research on the subject). I haven't been in therapy at all for a year now. Every single day, I wake up, and as soon as I get out of bed, I become a robot, mechanically doing everything, washing my face, preparing food, all those things your average person is able to do without a problem. Not me. I live in constant fear of fainting because I'm lightheaded and dizzy all the time, my anxiety has been going on and off throughout the years, never really showing any true progress towards getting rid of it completely. I avoid any bright lights because of which my family makes fun of me since my bedroom is always completely dark. I like darkness because then I can't see objects clearly and only then do they not seem like I'm dreaming, blurred and so far away from me. I am most active during the night, when it's dark and quiet, and I get to feel at least a little bit normal. I am so sick of avoiding everyone and everything, because it's hard to look and really concentrate on anything, since it all seems so foggy and so far away. I hardly remember what are supposed to be my best years, my youth, because everything is simply covered in a haze. I tried explaining how I felt to my closest friends, but they basically ridiculed me or told me "it was all in my head". Well, apparently, it is, but that doesn't make it any less real. It's hard for me to read or study - words become just a bunch of letters very soon after I start, as my concentration is not nearly as it used to be. It pains me to see my grades in such a bad shape, considering I used to be an A student back when I was a kid. My concentration, my memory, my willingness to learn were in the best shape imaginable. I want that back.
So, that's my story. So far, it's been 3 years, and I hope I will cure this someday, because I really can't live like this anymore. This is no way to live my life.
