New Here, DPDR when sleep deprived.

It started back in 2010 when I was living in NYC & got done watching a movie & when I left the theatre I started to feel like I was not in reality. Everything seemed terrifying and I was not myself. I was about to check myself into a psych hospital but I met with a friend and started crying and then I felt better.

I ended up in a relationship that I felt like that with and moved away from NYC because being there in that fast paced lifestyle and not sleeping was not helping. But the relationship I was in triggered it a lot. Eventually I got out of the relationship and I was going to college, sleeping more, and got on an SSRI for depression/anxiety and it seemed to help a bit.

I got married in 2013 and when we were together there were a couple times where the DPDR triggered and I couldn't explain it other than sometimes I would feel sheer TERROR out of no where and just so afraid as if I would stay in that feeling forever. Crying and having my husband comfort me would help a lot. Well after 2 kids and a few years we ended up separating because he wanted to be polyamorous. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Then I moved to a new city with my kids and was chasing after a lover basically. I went through a attach/detach cycle with people who wanted me. I wanted what I couldn't have and would push away the ones who really wanted me.

Finally I got comfortable being single and a couple of years ago I decided to become a truck driver. Being alone in my thoughts can get kinda scary at times but I am doing okay for the most part. It's just that sometimes I am so exhausted and when I get that way I can get triggered again. I have a relationship with a lovely person and we are long distance right now. Whenever I see her I automatically get a DPDR trigger and when she come close or want to touch me I start to feel like I don't know her or have feelings anymore and it is terrifying. Like I have ZERO feelings for her if too much time goes past where we don't see each other.

It's really hard to explain. Like I get so excited to see her and all the feelings flood to the surface but after traveling I'm so tired that when she sees me she loves to run to me and hug/touch/kiss and I start feeling like something isn't right.. like who are you and why are you trying to touch/hug/kiss me. The first time it ever happened I explained it and it's happened a few times since so she knows what it is now and she understands. Usually once I take a shower and it revives me, I feel much better.

Anyways this was long, I just wanted to write because basically she's wonderful and she deserves for me to be all in this and us go to the next level but I am terrified and some days I feel like I want to get married and other days I feel like I should walk away completely. I've never felt such uncertainty. I think there's a lot of grief and fear from my last marriage. I know I don't have to think about that right now, but I can't understand why I feel like this with such a real and good relationship.

This week I am going to sign up for a trauma counselor. I need it.