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Hey everyone!

I would like to start off by saying I've never sought help for DPDR! So PLEASE don't let my intro into this community worry, upset, or discourage you in anyway into your own journey to curing/living in peace with this disorder!

I guess I'll start by explaining how I first awoke in this surreal...I wanna say hell but I feel that's a little strong. Anyway it all started back in 2009 with my second year of high school I was 14, it was the last day of school before winter break and my Dad had found out I had barely shown up to any of my classes throughout the year thus far. "my parents divorced when I was around 7 or 8" I wasn't showing up to class because of my depression "not related to the divorce", I've battled depression most all my life, depression's been kicking my ass sense I was a little kid, but high school was when my depressive disorder really started getting out of control, I was living with my Mom at this time, my depression had gotten to the point I couldn't bring myself to do anything let alone leave my room, I would just lay in bed and try to sleep it off. With that out of the way I can get back to my Dad. My Dad's the type of person who acts with rage/anger first and asks questions later, I've always felt he loves reasons to get upset and throw a fit. So when he found I wasn't going to class he had a field day. He was so mad he barged into my mothers home, a little context, he hadn't really stepped foot into the family home sense the divorce, and my Mom had developed quite the hoarding problem sense then and had completely trash the family home. It was the perfect storm, I woke up to him literally kicking down my bedroom door blathering unintelligible words. "I Didn't have a lock on my door" he could have just opened it lol, shows how rational he was thinking at that point in time i guess haha, that was the last thing I remember before things started getting spacey, I think he grabbed my arm and lead me to his car, his goal from all of this was for me live with him, and get sorted out with a new school. I'm missing 2 months of time here. I don't know where it when went. I don't remember getting new school clothes, meting my new teachers, going to said new school, anything. GONE. When came back to reality it was mid February, I was in woodwork class and the teacher was letting me know that I was behind already, I started thinking about how I was incapable of doing any and all required school work to ever possibly meet a passing grade in any subject, how everyone and teachers must think I'm Just some burnout and how it's all going to be so much worse now because I'm stuck with my Dad this time, who knows what he was going to do hes crazy. All of that was racing thought my mind then my brain popped from the stress and fear of school and my Dad. "I could swear it even made a sound like bones quickly rattling" Yes I know how weird that sounds, everything got weird after that moment. I remember standing up from my chair and looking around, seeing the walls and floor smudging around and moving, and feeling that sickening hollow unnerving out of body feeling for the first time. I remember just walking out on class and heading home having the most intense panic attack of my life, and along the way I remember thinking to myself "That's it! I'm crazy now! my life is truly over!" later that day I was sitting in my room, my Dad comes home from work he calls out my name to see if I'm there I don't say anything, I was just biding time what little time I could, he comes upstairs to my room to talk to me about school, the school had told him already, he knew I walked out on class today he tells me what classes I'm already failing and he wants to know how I'm going to fix things. I remember thinking "What? hes not mad? GOOD ON HIM!" my heart started to slow down I started feeling a little more like myself, I wanted to tell him how truly hopeless and unhappy I've felt over the years and how I had just had a mental breakdown and was in fear I had lost my mind, but I was incapable of speaking. my brain was on total shutdown mode incapable of the most basic forms of speech.. He then says "I GET IT YOU WANNA GOT BACK TO YOU'RE MOM'S IS THAT IT?!" and a bunch of other stuff I won't mention, he goes down stairs and grabs a garbage bag comes back up and hands it to me. "PACK YOUR SHIT!" And away I went back to rotting at my moms house, back to being bullied and harassed by dicks in my own home "Brothers Friends", back to having no money for food, and what things had to be left behind be vandalised by said dicks. My Dad disowned me for a whole year after that he wouldn't say one word to me. Not that I wanted to talk to the guy anyway I'm not the biggest fan of the dude.. Any way that's my story of how I got DPDR I've been with it ever sense it's never left me, I'm 23 now. I have good days I have bad days, If your wondering how I found out about DPDR I googled the symptoms that I experience shortly after I moved back in with my Mom and stumbled upon it. I know people are going to be telling me to get help with the disorder I understand that why I'm here taking my first steps. I'm gonna start working on seeing a shrink soon I swear! If you read this far thank you for hearing me out. Mad HUGS for all! and best of luck with what ever battles you happen to be facing!

- Garnet
 
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