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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,

After much hesitation, mainy because of apathy, and feeling the inability to express myself properly, I have decided to attempt to post here. This may not be that coherent, but I at least want to try.

I've been living with depression, anxiety, as well as DP and DR for years. I'm 26 now, and the first time I remember feeling DP was when I was at school in the first or second grade, standing alone by a large boulder on the playground at recess. I remember watching myself from above and thinking "who am I?" and feeling like I was two people - the one watching me and the one conrolling my body. That feeling only lasted briefly. It wasn't until later in my life that I experienced something which shifted my perception permanently.

When I was about 12, I was sleeping over my friend's house who lived two houses down from me. It was about 11pm, and we were ready to go to sleep. We were in his living room in our sleeping bags, and he had just shut the lights off. So it was complete darkness, and we were just
talking. All of a sudden, I got this terrible feeling that nothing was real; it felt like I was in a dream that I couldn't wake up from. I felt like I should be at home lying on my own bed (because it was a dream), but I WASN'T. This realization was completely earth-shattering and mind-bending. I was just freaking out in my mind, and all I could say was "oh my God." I tried to explain what I was feeling to my friend, but he didn't understand, and basically laughed at me. After awhile, I calmed down, but something still wasn't right.

I can honestly say I don't think I have ever been the same after that night. After that happened the first time, I have always, to varying degrees, felt "outside of" myself, detatched, sometimes feeling like I am not controlling my own actions, and having difficulty feeling emotions (of course, the classic description of DP). It's almost like something snapped inside my head that night. The intense derealization I had that night happened a handful of times subsequently, and each time has been no less terrifying and hellish. Thankfully, having DR to that intense level is rare for me (in fact it hasn't happened since 1999), but the DP is always with me.

Anyway, this message is long enough... I was going to get into what prompted me to post here now, but I'll save that for another message. This one ended up being more my history and background with DP/DR, so if the mods see fit, they can move it to the DP Stories forum.

I'll briefly say that recently, my DP/DR has come back to the forefront of my life as a major problem, in a slightly different way than I've had it in the past. This time, emotional deadness is a major component of it, and it is making social interaction impossible and causing me to avoid people as much as possible. I'll post more about that later.

Thanks for listening if you read this far, I just need to get some of this stuff out. I figure posting at a place with people who have felt some of the same things, and know exactly what it feels like would be helpful (god knows people who haven't experienced DP/DR will NEVER "get it").

TheAntipop
 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Hi all,

After much hesitation, mainy because of apathy, and feeling the inability to express myself properly, I have decided to attempt to post here. This may not be that coherent, but I at least want to try.

I've been living with depression, anxiety, as well as DP and DR for years. I'm 26 now, and the first time I remember feeling DP was when I was at school in the first or second grade, standing alone by a large boulder on the playground at recess. I remember watching myself from above and thinking "who am I?" and feeling like I was two people - the one watching me and the one conrolling my body. That feeling only lasted briefly. It wasn't until later in my life that I experienced something which shifted my perception permanently.

When I was about 12, I was sleeping over my friend's house who lived two houses down from me. It was about 11pm, and we were ready to go to sleep. We were in his living room in our sleeping bags, and he had just shut the lights off. So it was complete darkness, and we were just
talking. All of a sudden, I got this terrible feeling that nothing was real; it felt like I was in a dream that I couldn't wake up from. I felt like I should be at home lying on my own bed (because it was a dream), but I WASN'T. This realization was completely earth-shattering and mind-bending. I was just freaking out in my mind, and all I could say was "oh my God." I tried to explain what I was feeling to my friend, but he didn't understand, and basically laughed at me. After awhile, I calmed down, but something still wasn't right.

I can honestly say I don't think I have ever been the same after that night. After that happened the first time, I have always, to varying degrees, felt "outside of" myself, detatched, sometimes feeling like I am not controlling my own actions, and having difficulty feeling emotions (of course, the classic description of DP). It's almost like something snapped inside my head that night. The intense derealization I had that night happened a handful of times subsequently, and each time has been no less terrifying and hellish. Thankfully, having DR to that intense level is rare for me (in fact it hasn't happened since 1999), but the DP is always with me.

Anyway, this message is long enough... I was going to get into what prompted me to post here now, but I'll save that for another message. This one ended up being more my history and background with DP/DR, so if the mods see fit, they can move it to the DP Stories forum.

I'll briefly say that recently, my DP/DR has come back to the forefront of my life as a major problem, in a slightly different way than I've had it in the past. This time, emotional deadness is a major component of it, and it is making social interaction impossible and causing me to avoid people as much as possible. I'll post more about that later.

Thanks for listening if you read this far, I just need to get some of this stuff out. I figure posting at a place with people who have felt some of the same things, and know exactly what it feels like would be helpful (god knows people who haven't experienced DP/DR will NEVER "get it").

TheAntipop
 

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Hi,

I can definitely relate to the deadness. As my symptoms change and wax and wane, deadness has definitely come to the forefront this last month. I can't get myself to read or to find anything that truly interests me. I have to force myself to go to the supermarket, shower, go to job interviews, etc. I find, however, that if I become engaged and overcome the barrier by sheer force, the deadness wanes and so does the dr. Anyway, welcome.

Paolo
 

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Registered
Joined
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167 Posts
Hi,

I can definitely relate to the deadness. As my symptoms change and wax and wane, deadness has definitely come to the forefront this last month. I can't get myself to read or to find anything that truly interests me. I have to force myself to go to the supermarket, shower, go to job interviews, etc. I find, however, that if I become engaged and overcome the barrier by sheer force, the deadness wanes and so does the dr. Anyway, welcome.

Paolo
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Welcome. And I find SO much to relate to in your first post.

Isn't it amazing that when under the effects of DP, we THINK we won't sound coherent at all, when in reality we sound well above average in our communications.

Hope you find some useful ideas here, and glad you decided to join us!

Peace,
Janine
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Welcome. And I find SO much to relate to in your first post.

Isn't it amazing that when under the effects of DP, we THINK we won't sound coherent at all, when in reality we sound well above average in our communications.

Hope you find some useful ideas here, and glad you decided to join us!

Peace,
Janine
 
G

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for the welcome, all. :) (there should be a "fake smile" smilie, because I seem to be doing a lot of that lately).

Janine, I have read some of your posts, and I appreciate the thoughtfulness and wisdom you've been able to impart. Forgive me for being too apathetic to do the research, but how long have you been DP free? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to remember reading that you were able to change your thinking to not be so constantly self-analyzing, which ultimately conquered your DP.

With me, and I'm sure others, the DP seems like more than a thought process, but a constant feeling (or lack thereof) that has been with us for years and years. While there are sometimes conscious thoughts dealing with self-analysis and existence questioning, the crux of the disorder seems like a state of consciousness that, once you enter, you can never leave. It's a feeling of detachment from ourselves that it feels like we have no control over. It seems like no matter what our thought processes are, once the great shift in perception has taken place (at a young age in my case), there's no going back.

Again, sorry if you've heard this argument before, but I'm too lazy to do the research right now. I've found that apathy has been especially acute for me lately... although it's nothing new for me. There are times when I've had a really bad DP/DR experience lately where when as it is happening, I feel really screwed up and depressed, and I feel the need to tell someone about it. But after the event, as I get distance from it, the desire to talk about it completely goes away... Sometimes I feel like it's unhealthy to repress those feelings, but I'm just too apathetic to care.

Like, I had a couple of terrible experiences recently (one at a rock concert and one at my cousin's wedding rehearsal party) which I had been meaning to post about but now feel too removed from and apathetic to do so. The ongoing possibility of severe DP/DR "attacks" at school is always threatening, though, and I'm sure one of these days I will be prompted to tell you about it. I'm only taking three classes, but it's more than enough to handle mentally and emotionally.

Anyway, thanks again. Hopefully I will be feeling less apathetic one of these days. I've found a more appropriate signature (from the same band, completely different era though - Marillion is in my top 5 favorite all time bands). Is anyone here into Muse? I just started to get into them recently... it's rare for me to like a band that's so popular, but these guys just blow me away with their energy and musicianship. Absolution is a stunning piece of work.
 
G

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for the welcome, all. :) (there should be a "fake smile" smilie, because I seem to be doing a lot of that lately).

Janine, I have read some of your posts, and I appreciate the thoughtfulness and wisdom you've been able to impart. Forgive me for being too apathetic to do the research, but how long have you been DP free? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to remember reading that you were able to change your thinking to not be so constantly self-analyzing, which ultimately conquered your DP.

With me, and I'm sure others, the DP seems like more than a thought process, but a constant feeling (or lack thereof) that has been with us for years and years. While there are sometimes conscious thoughts dealing with self-analysis and existence questioning, the crux of the disorder seems like a state of consciousness that, once you enter, you can never leave. It's a feeling of detachment from ourselves that it feels like we have no control over. It seems like no matter what our thought processes are, once the great shift in perception has taken place (at a young age in my case), there's no going back.

Again, sorry if you've heard this argument before, but I'm too lazy to do the research right now. I've found that apathy has been especially acute for me lately... although it's nothing new for me. There are times when I've had a really bad DP/DR experience lately where when as it is happening, I feel really screwed up and depressed, and I feel the need to tell someone about it. But after the event, as I get distance from it, the desire to talk about it completely goes away... Sometimes I feel like it's unhealthy to repress those feelings, but I'm just too apathetic to care.

Like, I had a couple of terrible experiences recently (one at a rock concert and one at my cousin's wedding rehearsal party) which I had been meaning to post about but now feel too removed from and apathetic to do so. The ongoing possibility of severe DP/DR "attacks" at school is always threatening, though, and I'm sure one of these days I will be prompted to tell you about it. I'm only taking three classes, but it's more than enough to handle mentally and emotionally.

Anyway, thanks again. Hopefully I will be feeling less apathetic one of these days. I've found a more appropriate signature (from the same band, completely different era though - Marillion is in my top 5 favorite all time bands). Is anyone here into Muse? I just started to get into them recently... it's rare for me to like a band that's so popular, but these guys just blow me away with their energy and musicianship. Absolution is a stunning piece of work.
 

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Registered
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Welcome! Incredible how the time you got inflicted with DP/DR is so similar to mine.

Come to think about it, "welcome" might sound slightly...erm...not right. :p
 

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Welcome! Incredible how the time you got inflicted with DP/DR is so similar to mine.

Come to think about it, "welcome" might sound slightly...erm...not right. :p
 
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